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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Sex issues - I don't know how to be sexy anymore

19 replies

Headred · 27/08/2013 11:52

Wondered if anyone could offer any advice as I don't feel I can talk to anyone in RL

Mine and DH sex life has never been great. We are very mis matched with our drives, something dh is getting better at accepting, not that I necessary think he should have to.

The problem is when we do it its is always the same place, same moves. I feel it is entirely my fault as Dh does try to initial things but i get embarrassed and default back to what we know.

I just don't know how to be sexy and open up to him.

Any advice would be appreciated

OP posts:

MoaningMingeWhingesAgain · 27/08/2013 11:57

It's Tuesday morning you know

I think sticking to the same thing is very common, we pretty much do. Because it's very nice

My theory - it's sometimes harder to be a bit more adventurous with someone you've been with a long time because you know them so well. But hopefully if it goes a bit wonky you can just laugh and say whoops.

The sex bit can be easy, it's the intimacy bit that can be tricky IMHO - the being able to laugh it off, being able to say 'Ooh in this book they just did XYZ shall we have a go?'

Vivacia · 27/08/2013 12:01

Where else does your partner try to initiate sex?

What "other moves" would you be open to trying? Not saying you need to post them here, obviously, but it might help to consider them?

CoffeeandScones · 27/08/2013 12:06

I liked the idea of him 'initialling' things

Inner Thigh = IT?

Give him a pot of melted chocolate and a piper bag and let him go crazy

Vivacia · 27/08/2013 12:07

And, having read your title, I think feeling sexy is a habit. You need to be thinking of sex. You know, like when you were young and before you had other things to fill your thoughts. Otherwise, how can you suddenly switch the feelings on at 11pm?

What kind of things help you to get in touch with your physical, sensual side? Preparing and eating nice food? Relaxing in a hot bath? Reading erotic fiction?

Original poster

Headred · 27/08/2013 12:09

Tried to get it posted before everyone sat down for lunch

It is really hard I feel more so self conscious with him when he is the last person I should feel that way with.

In fairness I think he has given up trying to initiate it else where as my response has always been...no the children, neighbours, milkman, next doors cat. I know it's my fault it has gone stale

OP posts:

Vivacia · 27/08/2013 12:12

It's not your fault, it has to be mutually agreeable. If he wants to have sex on the sofa, can you agree to close the curtains and lock the door? Explain that you need to feel safe in order to relax and enjoy yourself?

Original poster

Headred · 27/08/2013 12:12

Think you are right Vivacia. I do believe its a state of mind just not sure how to get there.

I think that's the point I don't ever feel like that. I don't even know my own physical self.

OP posts:

inneedofrain · 27/08/2013 12:16

Do you know what you like?

What I would consider roll play that puts you in charge then you can take things at your own pace!

I know that if I'm not "turned on" I really struggle to not feel embarrassed so what I would suggest if you have similar issue is try foreplay first then move onto something else

Also what about some sexy new undies bye a nice silky robe to go over then then you can start with the robe tied and it will be a bit of a surprise for dh and by the time the robe is off hopefully you'll feel more comfortable

inneedofrain · 27/08/2013 12:17

Just as a point don't do something your not comfortable with or you will resent it!

Vivacia · 27/08/2013 12:20

I think that's the point I don't ever feel like that. I don't even know my own physical self.

This is key. I think you need to spend time thinking about yourself in a sexual way. For example, think about what fragrances you like. Plan to go to the shops and buy yourself some moisturising oil/butter/lotion. Buy it and then spend time using it on your body in what ever way feels comfortable.

This all requires time and peace, so ask your husband for his support in occupying the kids.

Original poster

Headred · 27/08/2013 12:21

I think all the above will need to be done with a large glass of vino

OP posts:

SayCoolNowSayWhip · 27/08/2013 12:21

Headred I could have written your post and responses.

Are you able to talk to your DH about it?

I know what you feel about being embarrassed. I rarely feel sexy, and DH trying to be sexy just makes me feel awkward and is even less of a turn on.

Sorry, not very helpful! Just wanted to let you know you're not alone

CleverWittyUsername · 27/08/2013 12:33

A large glass (or 2 - or 3) will probably be good. Lowers your inhibitions. Can you watch or read something erotic to get yourself in the mood?

Original poster

Headred · 27/08/2013 13:32

That's good to hear Saycool...in a funny sort of way.

Maybe reading could help the mood I hunk I would be unable at this stage to watch anything with dh

OP posts:

Vivacia · 27/08/2013 14:35

I don't think it's necessary, or even wise, to get drunk or watch porn to prepare to have sex. It may work for some, but is not for everyone.

Tilpil · 27/08/2013 14:59

Try a romance book that works for me sometimes as I want the closeness that's in the book if that makes sense but mills and boon are good ones as some aren't overly sexual but are quite romantic etc? Other than that send naughty texts though out the day sly touches snatched kisses all work you get the idea get him to spend a couple of days winding you up and teasing and then when the time comes you won't care you will just want him

HeffalumpTheFlump · 27/08/2013 15:19

When I have felt like this because of various stressors or ill health, the only thing that has got us back on track is restarting the physical contact in a no pressure way. Kissing and cuddling without the pressure of it having to lead to sex has brought us back close together and then it seems things lead on naturally from there. I find myself interested again, and thinking about sex more and wanting more of that closeness. We talk and laugh more and it just starts to feel easy again. Then once we have restarted the fire it's about not letting it fizzle again. Keeping up that intimacy stops the distance between us from opening up again.

I find it then becomes easier to be open to new things, you don't feel silly as you are more comfortable with each other again. I really feel its just being out of practice that causes the problems. Jumping straight back in just causes anxiety for me, so giving myself time to become more comfortable again is a must.

If you can have a conversation with your dh explaining that you realise things have gone a bit off track and you want to get that closeness back, and ask for a time of no pressure, I'm sure he will be open to it. At the end of the day, I'm sure he wants the same thing you do.

Good luck :)

Original poster

Headred · 27/08/2013 15:26

Thank you so much for all of your advice and ideas. I think it is more of 'life just gets in the way' type of thing than any real reason. Intimacy definitely suffers I as I fear a cuddle will then lead to more or having to turn down dh.

Hellalump I agree it is worth having that conversation as I know it is becoming a real issue for him.

Phew it's good to talk.

OP posts:

BOF · 28/08/2013 00:12

This is a very illuminating talk, well worth a listen.

Flip