Really want to just give up!

[Soditall]

We have 5 children that we love dearly and we do everything for.We have 3 sons 17,15 and 11 and 2 daughters 10 and 5.Our 11 year old is asd and our 5 year old is asd,and has problems with her bowels,legs,feet and eyes bless her.

I became disabled after having our youngest due to problems caused by the hospital whilst I was in labor,that's why our little girl is so ill as well.

Life has just become so difficult.

Our 11 year old and 5 year old despite they're conditions and health problems are so much easier to look after than they're siblings that have nothing wrong with them!

Every single day my poor DH and myself dread getting up in the morning,we're both now depressed because of the behavior of our 17,15 and 10 year old.

It doesn't matter what we do for them it's never good enough!

They've been out to so many places over the holidays,we've taken them to the cinema,out for meals,on holiday,the seaside,bowling,4 different theme parks,day at the New Forest,visits to Nan and Grandad,swimming 3 times,to 3 different parks.

On the rare days we don't go out we spend time playing in the garden with them water fights,we watch movies,have nice lunches,play on the wii with them,do face painting for the younger one's,play board games ect.

We give the older one's money so they can go into town together so they can meet friends and have some space away from us and the little one's.

They've always come first for us and we've always taught them right from wrong and there has always been clear consequences for any wrong doing.

Our 17 year old has messed up his exams and school,despite being really intelligent,he's just so god damn lazy!We tried everything with him,we talked to him,offered incentives,took things of him when that didn't work,spoke to the school.

He swore he'd do everything to get an apprentachip and he's done nothing!Despite our numerous attempts to help and nagging him.

Our 15 year old is always flying of the handle at everyone apart from his littlest sister and our 10 Year old is a nightmare,you'd swear she was already a teenager.She gets physical with everyone,swears all the time(she hasn't learned this from us)refuses to go to bed without an argument.

I'm at a loss as to what to do?

You poor things. Didn't want to read and run.

Could it be that this summer a whole lot of things have come together? The constant stress of having you and the little one ill, waiting for exam results, the awfulnesses of going into year 6 and then secondary school, and the stresses of asd have just done stuff with everybody's head, as well as puberty.

I don't have experience of large families, but could you do something like have a family conference, where everyone says what they are feeling, a positive for every negative, and you agree a code of behaviour, adults as well as children ? You all sign it and put it up on the fridge and you all police it ?

If you did it at the same time as a bbq, it might be not too ponderous.

Thanks for replying.

We have tried the conferences before,it worked for a couple of days.I could try it again.

No it's not just now life has been like this for a few years now and I'm at a loss as what to do for them or with them anymore.

I've tried to get our 10 year old daughter help with her behavior,I've tried the school,camhs and ever the dreaded SS no one has helped us.

We're seen as low priority as the children are not in danger,they're well looked after,so we've just been left to cope with it all.

Sorry OP, it seems like you are going through a lot right now. At least you have the support of your DH in this.

From the list of activities and time you give to the kids, it just seems that they are ungrateful and take you for granted.

It also seems that they seem to be very angry. Why not trying talking to them about it. It might be coming through in their behaviour.

As for your 17 year old, you seem to have done almost everything in trying to get him moving forward. Sometimes the best lesson learnt is the hard way. He is almost an adult and if nothing seems to be getting through to him now, he needs to find out for himself how tough it is out there.

You seem to be doing a great job! Don't give up.

You certainly have your hands full there... it occurs to me how much you do for them. Could it be that you are doing too much? They sound very 'entitled'. Do they have to do anything for the money you "give" them?

My 9yr old ds gets £3 a week but ONLY if he has done music practice daily without being nagged and kept his room tidy. I also expect him to help sort laundry, help with the grocery shop, empty the dishwasher, make a sandwich etc just as part and parcel of family life. At 17 I'll be expecting him to earn his own spending money!

As you have discovered from SS, you do not have to provide all these lovely things. "Good enough" is the phrase that is often used. I wonder what would happen if the treats stopped coming so readily and you linked them to jobs eg "we'd like to have a bbq this weekend but it can only happen if x mows the lawn, y does that washload on sat morning and z comes with me to buy the food"?

Had to reply as you sound so completely down. Only have 3 DC - 18, 16 and 14. As I have put on here before, DS1 (18) did at one time not work at school very much. I said he could leave school if he wanted, but that he would then have to give us housekeeping money. He was shocked. I said we would support him in education, but not once he had left school. He knuckled down much more after that (not as much as I would have liked, but much more than previously).

I agree with a PP. I think you do far too much for them. They are just taking you for granted and what they get. I would stop doing so much. Perhaps try another family conference. Because of our financial situation, unfortunately, we cannot give our DC pocket money. They have all had to work to get any money, from 13, doing paper rounds, etc. They are very appreciative for anything we buy for them. I do believe it sounds as if yours have been given everything as you obviously want to do your very best for them. Sometimes saying no and not doing as much is, in the long run, much better for them. Good luck.

Thank you to everyone that replied.

I couldn't awnser sooner we've been away for a couple of days.

I think your all right they are all acting entitled and it has to stop.
I know most of that is my fault,I had a terrible childhood so I have gone in completely the opposite dirrection with the way I parent.
It worked fine when they were younger but since they've got older our two oldest sons and our oldest daughter have become horrendous in the way they behave and the way they treat us.

We have tried getting them to help around the house before but they messed up so much I got frustrated so my Dh would just take over.But he's going to have to learn not to take over so we can make it work.

Because of the support from this thread I'm going to have another conference today with everyone and things are going to change because we just can't carry on like this anymore because it feels like were living in a battle ground rather than living in a loving home with a loving family.

Do come back with how it went.

DH had a pretty restricted childhood and was a virtuous child. So he has tried to give Ds a much less restricted one.

Ds who is a LO is therefore spoilt and lazy. And it's mainly our fault, but a fault on the right side , I wouldn't have wanted to repeat DH's childhood, and he is surrounded by love. Don't beat yourself up.

It will come right in the end. Teenage years are hell. We are all living them.

Well we went away for a couple of days,our anniversary and we took the children away to Alton Towers for two days.My husband likes the mad rides I can't go on anything but the little rides with our youngest one because of having damaged nerves in my neck and spine.So not exactly a treat for me or DH.

The journey there was brilliant,no arguing which is a miracle for our family,10 year old DD normally sits in the back with her 11 year old brother and she always starts on him.So this time she sat in the middle and our oldest sat in the back so no fighting.

There were a few little moans whilst we were away but nothing awful.

The journey back was horrendous,second oldest started moaning about where he was sitting in the car so oldest joined in as well.
I ended up sitting in the middle of the car in the middle seat.couldn't stretch out so ended up crippled over and crying in agony by the time we got back.And not so DD had a full on physical fight with her disabled brothercould of slapped hernone of us was pleased with her.
So half way back we had to pull over and swap the seating about again.

Since we've been back oldest daughter has started on her father and me so ended up getting her self 3 days with no puddings and supper and 11 early nights.She was that bad and all over having a time out because she had done something wrong.

She has been doing the early bedtimes and no supper and puddings without causing world war 3 which is a miracle in it's self and the boys have been slightly better at home and the oldest has actually been to the job center and has an appointment on Monday morning with some people that are going to try and help him get the apprenticeship he want's.

I've realized that I need to start getting them to help around the house,my health is just getting worse and my DH can't do it all on his own and they are a part of this family so they need to start acting like it.

Gosh, well survived. You poor thing, with that level of pain as well.. But it sounds as though despite the dire journey back it was an occasion you can all look back on.

No supper? Hope she eats breakfast...

Well done to oldest.

Keep on praising the good, honestly. Tell them you are really proud of them for the journey up. Tell him you appreciate the courage and effort going to the job centre. Say it privately and in front of the rest. My Ds thinks I'm.always getting at him. If only he knew.. but although he has to do some tasks, actually remindong him with please and thank you helps. I expect you do all this but I just used to be cross that he didn't remember and I have had to change.

It's tough. But you can do it. But give yourself you and DH time too.

And if you give them a rota you can tell them.you are skilling them for grown up life. And noone is allowed to complain about the expertise with shock the task is done. If they do, they will take over next time.

Yes she gets breakfast and lunch and dinner and she can snack on fruit all through the day,it's just they normally all have 4 meals a day.

I always praise,that's what annoys my DH so much he says they have nothing to rebel against or complain about and yet they still do.

Have you tried giving them more responsibility and trust - in the sense of tasks that may make them stretch themselves? Mine are much younger but this tends to work for me when I remember to do it!

Sodit, I think it's both a phase and a habit.

You could be radical, the two of you, and have an adults moan day? It might be funny and make them think?

Or you could go on strike save for your two with SN?
Announce it well in advance, having done the praise thing?

But a/c something we were reading here, the teenage brain actually changes and the complete self obsession is part of that.

So part of it is just hang on in there.

I'm going to be a little harsher than other posters and say you need to stop all these treats immediately.

They earn a treat, be it a day out or a trip or whatever.

They sit in the car where they are told.

Op, for your own sake, you need to lay down the law. None of them are babies and you can't put up with them behaving like that.

I know it's hard and I only have two not five, but get tough. And mean it.

There seems to be some light at the end of the tunnel.

Oldest Ds has got of his backside and gone into town to get help looking for an apprenticeship/job.He went in a few days ago and then had to go back this Monday,he got himself up and into town and was there early for the appointment which is a big improvement.He's now had help with his CV and has been put onto a contact list so he should soon be employed.

Second oldest has been nowhere near as whingey and has started helping out a bit round the house and oldest daughter has been in nowhere near as much trouble.

I have had a few really bad health days and nearly ended up in hospital so maybe at long last they've realised how awful they're behaviour has been.

Sodit, good and keep up the momentum.

Pretty much concur with previous observations. Will add - Seven people under one roof is never going to be a breeze. Frustration spreads like mold,, the more of it there is the faster it escalates. Worth remembering, teenagers dont have the tools/experience to identify complex (domestic) problems, nor the means to express that angst in ways other than the ones you're experiencing - lashing out at their nearest and dearest.

In your list of their behaviours there's no mention of police visits or anti-social behaviour outside the home/car. Their grades may not be great but they're not in trouble for fighting or mugging other kids for phones and dinner money.

There are no clues beyond understandable domestic frustrations and your acknowledgement that you spoil them so I have two suggestions.

1 - Call a family meeting for a weeks' time and have the teens and eldest D that at that meeting you want them to bring two lists. "Three things I like about living here." and "Three things about living here that piss me off." You and DH do it too (leading by example). Chances are you'll surprise yourselves and each other - and the introspection required for the lists is never a bad thing. You might not get their best/honest answers right away but any issues identified is a positive step.

2 - Eradicate/reduce pocket-money/gifts and introduce chore-based earnings. You'll have to figure out a budget with DH, but examples - tidy room all week £3, washing car, cutting lawn £2, dishes, laundry £1, etc. You can also have deductions - minus 50p for tantrums, £1 for assaults on siblings. To encourage them you could put the once-a-week chores on bits of paper, folded, put in a bowl, drawn and put into an envelope. On payday, you open the envelope and reveal the chore that earned a tenner.

Expect teething problems with either of the above but if you can all commit to weekly paydays and monthly meetings I'm willing to bet you'll soon come to enjoy them.