Can't seem to make this work

[Triedbutfailed]

Long sorry, and I have nc'd for this.

I discovered my DH having a major flirt nearly 2 years ago, (at a night out I couldn't attend) and until then I really (stupidly) believed he only had eyes for me. We have always had a good sex life (and that has mostly continued) and so I was devastated as he and this woman had apparently drunkenly flirted openly and sexually for 4 hours and in front of many of our friends (I had just had a baby 5 months previously). I know many people in marriages flirt but we never have, I adored my DH and we'd been together 7 yrs and married only two.

He then, after much questioning from me, admitted that he had a porn habit, and on trips away he had been to lap dancing clubs (I asked years ago that he stopped doing this as I hated that he had been in the past) and he later admitted he had used a massage parlour once during our time together (hand relief 'only' apparently!) which was a throwback to his 'previous life and friends' who all used them 'once or twice a year'.
The prostitute incident was about 5 years ago, and the lap dancing clubs much more recent.

I was naturally horrified by the drip feeding of this information over about 8 months, but with a baby to bf and very little sleep I was just existing like a zombie in between arguments and sadness.

Because I loved my DH so much and he begged forgiveness (and threatened suicide) I have tried to make this work, but even though he has given me all his passwords, changed his life dramatically (never goes out except to work and never goes away without me) and has totally cut out porn (we now share a computer and I have access to his phone anytime) and we've had councilling together (disaster) and apart (more successful, I can't forget what he did and I can't stop throwing it back at him and arguing about it all.

It is almost as raw today as the day I found out, and even though DH is so different and has worked so hard to prove himself over the last 2 years, so much has been destroyed. It isn't so much the trust anymore, because after two years I can see he is open and honest about everything, and is desperate to make this work, and loves me so obviously and so much, but I have no respect for him anymore and can be really awful to him.

I hate the person I have become, I hate the person I see in the mirror everyday, my confidence is low and I hate how angry I am with him all the time. Unbelievably, I still love my husband, and don't want to be away from him, but he thinks I hate him because of my utter lack of respect for him. The arguments are destroying us daily.

I am feeling desperate now as I feel time is running out for us, we have argued tonight and DH has gone out in the car after I told him I felt a separation might help. DH is 46 and says I am his world and without me his life is not worth living. He is talking about suicide again regularly as he says he is too old to start again.

Does anyone please have some advice, or a happy ending story from their own experience or are we just on the slippery slope to break up?

Sorry for rambling, I am just not thinking clearly.

Is he always this manipulative? He is threatening suicide because he acted like a total bastard and you can't get past that?!

Personally, I'd tell him to either do it or shut up about it, because you wont allow him to manipulate you like that.

He's 46 not 86 and frankly, you don't have to stay with him just because he feels 'too old to start again' FFS. You are not a bloody fall-back.

I think you have torn yourself in two trying to get over this, but you can't. I don't think you have any choice but to separate if you want to be happy.

You have tried harder to forgive and forget than most women would have - but it seems like you can't. How much longer are you prepared to keep putting yourself through this for.

I can guarantee you will like yourself a lot more once you aren't with him.

Thank you Chipping for the hug, it is breaking my heart as he is the only man I have ever loved, and I still love him so much but no matter how hard I try I can't get past what he has done.

I am afraid you are right. It feels awful to realise it's coming to an end.

It is true what they say, 'Love is not enough'.

You have to have trust & respect as well and sometimes when they are gone, they are gone for good.

Can you try to get some sleep?

Yes, and it's the respect for him that I can't seem to get back.

I'll try to sleep and see what tomorrow brings. That seems to have been the story of my life these last two years. Thank you again for taking the time to respond.

I hope you managed to get some sleep.

I honestly think you have tried everything and given it everything you possibly could, sometimes you just have to accept that love isn't enough and that he destroyed the trust - don't shoulder any of the blame for this, that lies squarely on his shoulders.

If he threatens suicide again - I'd do as I said before - tell him to either do it or shut up about it, but that you will not be manipulated by him saying it.

It's not easy to leave someone you love, but you need to look forward and see a life where you can be happy instead of miserable.

Sometimes when something is broken it is not possible to put it back together without the joins being painfully obvious. Some things cannot be fixed. I think that's where you're at. I'm sorry.

Your H may have learned from this and changed, and good for him. He will be a better person for this regardless of what happens to his relationship with you. However, in your relationship it can't undo the damage done by his earlier behaviour.

He may be threatening suicide in a misguided attempt to make you believe him when he says he's changed for good. He may feel that you don't believe he's really serious. I can sort of understand that although it's still awful behaviour on his part. If he understands that you know he can't do anything more but he chooses to continue with the suicide threat, then I'd say he hasn't actually changed as much as he'd like you to believe.

What an arsehole. Perhaps he should be suicidal because he has hurt you, not because he's too old to try again?
Fucksake. (him, not you)
I'm interested that counselling together was a "disaster". If you can't do counselling together, how can you do marriage together?
I'd say either call it a day, or if you want to try again, go back to the counselling until it ISN'T a disaster.
But sometimes, this is the consequence. It is just broken.
Not everything can be fixed.
Especially if he's throwing around grand statements about suicide which aren't actually about apologising or changing or supporting YOU.

Thanks for your replies, you all seem to be saying the same things, which in my head I'm thinking too. Sometimes we have a few good days and I start to think we stand a chance, but then I get a trigger (seems to be anything related to anything I've mentioned in the OP) and it tips me into sadness or anger.

I have spoken to him today about the suicidal thoughts and he says they come because he can't cope with the guilt of how sad he has made me. He has told me he won't act on them and that he won't mention them anymore as I get so much more stressed when he does.

I do find him crying to himself sometimes when he thinks he's alone. We are both sad, that's why I wanted to see if there are ever any happy ending stories from miserable situations like this. He knows he's messed up and things will never be the same, but I was hoping for ideas on how to get past the pain and make our marriage work. Maybe no-one ever does and I'm asking the impossible.

The marriage guidance that was a disaster cabrinha was because of the councellors unbelievably. One (male councellor), our first try, told my DH that I was not fulfilling his needs and that's why he went elsewhere ( we had sex until a day before our baby was born) despite my DH telling him that the sex wasn't missing in our marriage. The second (male again) told me that prostitution is just something some men do and that some prostitutes enjoy their work etc etc (not what I wanted to hear - I was trying to get DH to understand that very often (not always I know) the girls are stuck in terrible lives with drug problems etc to get him to see that he was effectively not helping their situation, or his, or mine) - I walked out of that session in tears.

The third was female and had the same blasé attitude towards prostitutes, when I really needed someone to be as shocked as I was.
Even DH was surprised at the attitudes to some of the things he had done whilst with me. I know they are not there to make him feel awful about this stuff but he ended up feeling fine about it whilst I was left thinking there was something wrong with me for not being a bit more relaxed in my attitude. It seemed they wanted to work so hard to make sure DH didn't feel guilty, that they totally forgot that I was utterly traumatised.

We finally settled for councelling on our own, and he learned considerably more about himself and what has motivated and driven his selfish attitude to life, and I found someone who heard and understood my pain, without making me feel bad for feeling it. I would like to try the councelling together one last time, but I just think it might be too painful.

Thank you again for your replies, I am taking everything on board and will carefully consider all the replies over again before making a decision on what to do.

I think you need to find a good couples counsellor. If you both found your individual ones great then ask both of them for some recommendations.

Perhaps you need to grieve together for what has been lost and find a way to work together on a fresh future together.

I think I will go back to my counsellor and see if she will recommend anyone. Thanks RandomMess.

I wish you the very best for the future.

Thank you.