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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Why am I so rubbish at making the big R work?

3 replies

julezboo · 17/06/2006 18:50

First off Im gonna say sorry for this turning into a ramble, cos I know it will!

Bit of history, I have a little boy from a previous relationship, which ended 4 years ago. I met a horrid man and had a hard time for 2 years finally got the courage to end it. A few months later I met my now DP. He was living back at home when i met him, lived 200 miles away from me and it got so hard to try and keep our R going so he moved in a few months later. We have been together for a year almost. We have been through alot, we had a mc in dec, Jan and Mar. He also quit smoking at christmas and is in a job he hates.

OK the problem. I have just recently found out I am pregnant again, facing a long 9 months of hospital visits, injections and poss early delivery as well as coping with a 4 year old. DP lands on me this morning that he wants to move back home, he says hes in a mess and has a lot of issues he needs to deal with and its not fair to stay. We have been having a few teething problems in the past few months, wbut most of our arguments/ disputes stem from his Job, Like for exampe this morning we went to asda to buy fathers day card to post them off, this was around half 9, 10am, He didnt start work till 1/4 past 12, after we had met my brother, he had an hour left. So i thought after listening to him whinge all morning about having to go to his crappy job in this nice weather, it would be nice if we spent half an hour in the park and he could go to work from there. But after moaning he was gonna be stuck indoors all day while it was nice outside, he said he just wanted to chill and watch tv inside till he had to go to work.

Ok fair enough! But then when i said to ds to get his shoes on we were going out dp looked shocked that i wasnt sitting in with him! Turned into a row and he told me "i cant live with this crap anymore your making me unahppy" Hormonal me ends up shouting some stuff, not very nice but not overly nasty, just the truth and i got my brother and my ds and we went out. He stormed out shortly after and took off for work.

Instead of going to work he bought fags, came home and rung me saying we need to talk. We have spent the day discussing what is gonna happen, where he will live, how I will pay for my car on my own (his car that he give me) and would i let him see this baby once its born. So in my mind, hes ending it, my defenses go up but inside Im falling apart. I need to be storng and fight for my baby, I have a funny blood type, I go to hospital on monday to learn how to inject myself everyday, as well as coping with sickness, tiredness, my emotions about the pregnancy he lands this on me, I spoke to my friend who said that if she was in that position her dp's stuff would be on the doorstep and she would tell him she never wanted to see him again.

I dont want to lose dp, Ive emailed a councillor in our area, i personally think hes depressed, he has no get and go. He worries about minor things and turns them huge. I am at my wits end, I dont want to harm my baby or even lose it because of all the stress thats going on here. He doesnt even seem pleased I am pregnant What else can I do. He says he wants time alone, yet when i try to give him it he moans hes lonely and doesnt want me to go out and leave him. I really dont know what else to do, my friend says hes being an idiot (she is also good friends with him, known both the same amount of time but says right now she is ashamed to know him! I know its harsh, I want him to love me and our baby, but it feels like any day now Im gonna become a single pregnant mum of a 4 year old :(

OP posts:
CarmenH · 17/06/2006 20:18

Oh dear julezboo. Not sure if I can offer any advice but do have lots of sympathy. Your dp sounds a bit confused right now, agree he may well be depressed.

Was this pregnancy planned? What about the m/cs? Could it be that he is still grieving for those? Or that he is worried that this preg will end in m/c too?

How has he managed to make friends where you live? Does he still get to see his family regularly? How old are you both?

Sorry, I'm not trying to be nosy but just to think of reasons why he might be behaving like this. It sounds like a lot has happened to you both in a relatively short time since you started your relationship. It doesn't sound like you've had much time to just be a couple without any other stresses iyswim. I wonder if it's all just got a bit much for him? I'm not trying to excuse his poor behaviour, just wondering, as I'm sure you must be, WHY is he thinking of leaving?

Hope you have plenty of rl friends to help you out. I'm sure someone else will be along here soon to offer you some better help. x

Turquoise · 17/06/2006 20:25

It sounds as if you've got to deal with a lot without much support from him. Do you think he would go for counselling if you can arrange it?

When you say he was living 'at home' before he moved in with you, do you mean with his parents?

Is there any possibility of him changing jobs?

julezboo · 17/06/2006 22:06

thanks T and C

we didnt plan this pregnancy but we both didnt do much to prevent it either so it kinda was. I am 24, he is 25, he was living at home with his mum when he met me, he had been out of a bad relationship for a year or so. We are together all the time when he is home, he doesnt like to be without me. I have begged him to get a new job after aasking him for months. He hasnt really made the effort to make friends up here. Last weekend he had the opputunity to go see his friends down south on his own, I told him i would stay at home while he went and i honestly didnt mind. But he told me if i didnt go then he wouldnt either. I just feel like i cant do right for doing wrong if you know what I mean.

I have managed to book him an appointment with a councillor for Tuesday, I hope he sticks it out, we wont be sharing a bed tonight, I am hurting too much and I think it will make us both realise what a good thing we have got? Not sure If im doing the right thing or not though. I have tried everything else. I told him two days ago that if i had the money i would probably be at my dads this weekend away from it all, its getting us both down and i need all my fight to keep this baby alive. I feel drained both physically and emotionally. Thanks for your replies x x x

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