on-off marriage:anyone else like this?

[strangelife]

We have been married for 12 years and are not young - 52. Have DD of 10. For the last 4 years our marriage has been rocky, my fault I feel as I keep wanting divorce then it gets better. Sometimes DD hears us argue, often sees our detachment. Other times she sees us having a laugh and being fond. It really is a 50-50 split. DH is kind, sensible, good dad, v clever, works v hard, sees that as his role. He's often a bit boring, so am I probably in domestic mode. My best times are when I go out with friends, meeting new people. When DH and I socialise as a couple it falls flat. He is not jealous, happy for me to have my fun, even said I could have an EMA if I want to be free and it doesn't break up the family. (Doesn't want one himself) Permission sort of takes the fun away (not that I had any intentions, I just like flirting). Why do I keep wanting to leave? Why can't I be happy with what I've got? It drives me nuts to be like a rollercoaster, could it be midlife crisis or hormones? I work p/t and am quite financially dependent on DH. He says if we do split he'll try to get himself a new mortgage from scratch so I can have our home. Why I am so up and down about the marriage when he is so good to me and DD? Telling myself to grow up and get on with the life we have does not help. Sometimes I feel so sad and ungrateful, get v depressed, as if I am bad for not loving him enough.

Its because you want the romance back
marriage and day to day life is generally not very exciting - going out with friends is - always new fresh topics of conversation etc
sounds like you just need some spark back
try new things together :)

Thank you Maddy for not being judgemental, so many people on MN have real problems I feel like quite a lightweight with this - but restlessness in marriage must be v common. I used to have a lot of adventure in my life before DD. Been getting it back by going out a lot, activity weekends etc but on my own whilst DH happy to be with DD. I meet a lot of nice men but DH is my best friend and anchor. Sometimes I'm v distant and dismissive of him then so sad that he deserves better - that's when I tell him we should split.

You hot and cold approach constitutes of emotional abuse.

You have knocked his confidence to the extent he says he is fine with you sleeping with other people just to make you happy.

It sounds like your husband has got to the 'whatever' stage and has put a protective armour around himself to cope with your endless need for drama, validation and strokes from other men. If you're like this at 52, I wouldn't hold out much hope of change, but a good therapist who specialises in narcissism might do the trick.

You sound incredibly selfish. You should set your husband free so that he can find someone else who will appreciate him.

I'm not sure that calling someone selfish, narcissistic and emotionally abusive is likely to help. I think people are more diplomatic in RL but online they can be as unkind as they like because there is no comeback. It could be that a couple of my RL friends think what you have said but wouldn't say it like that because we know each other as a whole, including the good bits, whereas MN people only know what I'm describing which is the worst aspects of character. Daddychips I often think myself what you are saying. It makes me feel like killing myself. Leavenheath would probably say that is my endless need for drama. Leavenheath I am starting counselling next week and have been reading about narcissism. Arsenal I hate to see DH looking sad and unconfident, I wish we could get back to how we were when we married, we were everything to each other. Thank goodness Maddie was kind or I'd start feeling like I'd been internet bullied.