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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why did she say this?

57 replies

pickledbeetroot · 26/08/2013 22:05

When I was 11 years old my mother turned to me and said

"You are not and never will be as beautiful as me."

It was completely out of the blue. I don't know how to stop thinking about it.

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 26/08/2013 23:22

My own view, pickled is that drunken ramblings do not represent 'in vino veritas' etc. From sadly extensive experience, I've come to believe that booze just scrambles the brain and turns it in on itself.

Nothing to do with the person you are or were, therefore. Although I'd also consider cutting or severely limiting contact with her. And going for counselling if you can.

Original poster
pickledbeetroot · 26/08/2013 23:24

I have days where I know I deserve more and want to desperately show her that, Ebear. Then other days I feel so worthless. I'm constantly up and down and so confused. I have thought about counselling but I just feel like I am an idiot to feel like this and they'd probably roll their eyes at me!!

Thanks yamyoid I will search for it!

OP posts:
EBearhug · 26/08/2013 23:28

I really don't think they would roll your eyes at you (and shouldn't be counselling in the first place if they did.) They will be quite used to dealing with this sort of thing. You're not an idiot at all.

Original poster
pickledbeetroot · 26/08/2013 23:29

cozie do you really think cutting contact would help? I have thought about it a lot and have little 'daydreams' of how happy life could be, but then I think about relocating my family and I start doubting the whole thing. I live in a small town, I would have to move away if I was to not see her. Then images pop into my head of her crying to me when I was a child because she was so upset and depressed. And I feel like a cruel hearted bitch.

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 26/08/2013 23:33

There's the option of severely limiting as well. What would happen if you stayed where you were and stopped initiating all contact with her? How would your family react as well?

Original poster
pickledbeetroot · 26/08/2013 23:36

Ebear I think I would clam up and feel like a burden. Do counsellors 'get the conversation going'? Sorry I have no clue when it comes to things like this, I feel like a burden when I go to see the doctor when I'm ill! I don't like attention, it's a relief to be able to say some of my feelings on here Smile

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 26/08/2013 23:36

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1834279-But-We-Took-You-To-Stately-Homes-Survivors-of-Dysfunctional-Families

The Stately Homes thread is a saviour of many of us with dysfunctional/toxic parents. I havent posted but I read it as it helps me to realise that I was not the problem, despite my mothers assertions.

"Stately Homes" refers to the fact that if you confront a toxic parent they will deny that they were anything less than the perfect parent to you because they did the outwardly nice family things such as days out to stately homes. They dont see that they words hurt us and destroyed our self confidence.

Just reading that thread(s) and knowing that you werent the villain or the bitch or the slut or the competition is so helpful. Just realising that the problem was in her head and not in you takes her power away.

Bogeyface · 26/08/2013 23:38

Then images pop into my head of her crying to me when I was a child because she was so upset and depressed.

So she put the burder of her "depression" onto you too? No counsellor would roll their eyes at you, they really wouldnt. You have been brainwashed, you really have. I think counselling would be a very good idea.

Bogeyface · 26/08/2013 23:38

burden

Original poster
pickledbeetroot · 26/08/2013 23:43

cozie it wouldn't work, they'd make me feel stupid and I would believe I was being stupid. They would say I was being 'a bit dramatic'

They love my DSs so much. I can't trust them with them though. DS1 went to theirs for the day and was recently potty trained, they put a nappy on him so they didnt have to bother taking him to the loo. He came back home and the nappy was dry. Poor DS had held his wee in all day Sad Their incompetence to do the simplest things amazes me.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 26/08/2013 23:44

They risked your childs health for their convenience, that is child abuse and that alone is good enough reason to cut them off.

Original poster
pickledbeetroot · 26/08/2013 23:47

Thanks for the post and link bogey, the thread sounds like it could help me a lot.

A classic line of my mothers is "what are you talking about? We had a brilliant time, I took you to...". So the thread sounds perfect really!

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 26/08/2013 23:51

Right. Then I think you do have to consider cutting contact. I'd go for counselling first though or you're going to be consumed by guilt.

But don't let your DCs go to their house by themselves again. That would be a line in the sand for me.

Bogeyface · 26/08/2013 23:51

My mother always goes on about our holidays. She forgets that even they werent the childhood idyll she thinks they were. She forgets the time that her and my dad made my sister and I (sister was 4 at the time) stand in the corner of our hotel room for so long that my sister wet herself as she was too frightened to ask to go to the toilet. I cry remembering that.

How could you do that to a child?

Original poster
pickledbeetroot · 26/08/2013 23:56

It's very daunting bogey because as dysfunctional as it is they are they only family I have Sad

I don't really have any close friends, DP tries to help. He doesn't quite get how I put on a happy face around them and can actually be on a high after seeing them. Then the memories come flooding back in and I get very down, he tries his best to understand. He has had words with them many times and has also suggested counselling.

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 27/08/2013 00:01

Sorry pickled but in my book, it's better to have no birth family than a family that's screwing you up and over. And in any case, you have your own close family now - your DH and DCs. Don't let the past be visited on them.

Original poster
pickledbeetroot · 27/08/2013 00:04

bogey Sad I'm so sorry that happened to you and your sister. I have no idea how anyone could do that to a child, I just cannot begin to comprehend.

My mum makes holidays out to be idyllic as well. She sent me, age 7, and my drunk father out to get some more wine at 11.30pm. In the middle of Spain. I was told to "look after him and not to let him chat to people for too long". I was so bloody scared, the streets were packed. When we, eventually, got back I was sent straight back to bed (having been woken up) and I cried all night and wet myself too. I was ignored. I was scared stiff.

OP posts:
Original poster
pickledbeetroot · 27/08/2013 00:06

cozie your posts are stating facts to me that deep down I already know and that I need to remember. I need to sort my life out before it starts affecting theirs.

Oh god I'm going to bloody cry. But in a good realisation kind of way Smile

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 27/08/2013 00:09

And yet she was the perfect mother Hmm

You need to talk about this with someone unconnected who can help you deal with what you went through. My sister doesnt remember many of things I do as she was younger, but she is now in therapy and quite distant from my parents as she has only now realised how abusive our childhood was. She was the "good one" (believe it or not) who learnt to cope by being everything they wanted. I was the "fuck you" child. I get on far better with them now because I barely had any contact through my thirties when I said "enough", and they respect me far more than they did. They actually seek me out for my thoughts and opinions, help me out without strings attached and are very respectful of my choices because throughout my life I have never ever bent to their will. Eventually, that paid off, but it was a long and painful journey.

Original poster
pickledbeetroot · 27/08/2013 00:19

bogey what you went through and how you have come out the other side is amazing. I wish you and your sister all the best.

I'll look into counselling tomorrow. Hopefully then I can start to plan my happy future Smile

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 27/08/2013 00:23

Best of luck.

Bogeyface · 27/08/2013 00:23

Thank you, I wish you all the best too :)

Even saying to yourself "Enough is enough" can be very empowering, your "voice" has changed throughout this thread alone.

Keep the faith :)

AlfalfaMum · 27/08/2013 00:28

It says more about her than it does about you. You know that.

My mum used to say cruel things when I was growing up, she never complimented me, she'd say I was fat and spotty (when I wasn't especially either); and when in my early teens I said the classic "I hate you!", she said she hated me too Hmm

QueenofWhispers · 27/08/2013 00:56

My mother said this to me too. i must have been around 11 too, I had just started my period (I think it was my second or third of my first period).

She's actually my step mother, but she's raised me since I was two so she's the only mother I have ever known. When she said it though, I just figured, okay you can be as pretty as you want, I'll always have a better personality.

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