Access advice please.

[Redoubtable]

I'm a serial namechanger (to dodge online stalking by ex).

It's a long and complex situation.
I dont want to dripfeed but the backstory would take forever.

STBXH left some time ago and continues his verbal, emotional and financial abuse from his new home.

I've tried everything to maintain some semblance of civility between us (mediation) but continue to bear the brunt of his bad temper.

Yesterday, he was due to take children (8,10) for the afternoon as usual(informal arrangement as he has bullied me out of using courts/solicitors until recently).

Arrived and immediately started talking at one of them about how he wont take them at their next access time, because of something that Mummy did.
I refused to be cowed and disagreed with him. In the face of escalating verbal abuse, namecalling and intimidating body language, I asked the children to go inside, then I locked the door.
Both children very, very upset as they wanted to go out with him for the afternoon (Disney dad, huge indulgence and spoiling, no discipline while they're with him, teeth/hair/clothes neglected).

I have previously rung him, cajoled him, bent over backwards to ensure that they spend time with him...while he changes times as it suits him, takes them and palms them off with his parents/girlfriend.

Its always the same- I never know what mood will greet me at the door when he collects them and he uses them to carry messages about any changes to access (I regularly have them telling me he cant see them on X day as he's 'busy').

My question is: what would you have done in the situation? Distraught children, begging me to change my mind.
Was I wrong to refuse to send them off with him as if it's ok for him to arrive and behave like this?

Bump
Could really do with advice please.
I'm afraid to think of the damage this does to our children. He will kick off over the smallest thing at collection time, always in front of them.

It's escalating at the moment, as I've finally had the sense (and strength) to go to a Solicitor to start the formal separation/divorce procedure. I think he would like things to continue as they are where he can control how much he gives me (SAHM).

Didn't want to read and run, although I'm not sure my advice counts as I've not been in this situation.

But, for the record, I don't think what you did was wrong. It can't have been pleasant seeing your children upset, but think of the long game here. It won't kill them - sometimes we have to be disappointed in life, so don't let the mantra of always promoting access with a NRP sway you. He's behaving like an arse, and for the greater benefit of future relations, you did what you had to do.

Hope it works and he realises he needs to be civil at handover time in future. Also hope you're feeling a bit better now and that you've had a nice evening with the DCs.

Can you get someone else to do the handover?

I put DD's stuff outside the door ready and when XH stops outside I say bye to DD and she goes out. I never see him. (No issues like yours, I just dont want to see him).

Also, you could get a solicitors letter asking for no discussions other than by email or via solicitor.

You don't have to put up with this. Your children are old enough to go out to him on their own - don't put yourself in the 'firing' line. He knows that he is getting a reaction from you and this is what feeds these mens egos.

Do not engage - it will take the wind right out of his sails.

Thank you for the replies.

clam this has been going on for a few years now. When we seperated, I believed what he had drilled into me- that it was all my fault and that I was utterly unreasonable and unliveable with. I've had a long time of standing up to him. It hasn't worked and I have no reason to hope that he will change anytime.

skye we moved to live in his town and I have no family here. I was isolated from the few friends I did have. I let this happen, but it has left me with little support (not whining...am working on re-building my networks, but it not the sort of thing you can ask a newish friend to do).
I've been saying for about a year that I dont want anything verbal, that it must be by email ... but now he's saying he has no time for that (terribly busy being important). I may ask solicitor to do exactly that.

lacked thanks, I often do send children out on their own, but he will often ask them something (manipulative) that they have to check with me and then, bam, he's part of a conversation which he will choose to twist whatever way his mood dictates.

When I write it out like this, it sounds awful, doesnt it. I havent faced it as I have been scared of his temper. (not physical so I wouldnt have anything to contact police with). I've been scared of standing up to him, knowing that he would get worse, especially if I dared involve a solicitor.

Waffling now sorry. The reason I posted was my concern for DC.
It is awful to hear them sobbing in their rooms because Dad has driven away after Mum has had another row with him. I feel guilty

Disengage, disengage, disengage.

Get your solicitor to send him a letter outlining his unacceptable behaviour at the last handover and therefore future handovers will no longer take place at your home. Handovers will take place at a contact centre and while this is arranged, they will happen at the local police station. There are no other options, his refusal will result in him not seeing his kids. After handover, go out for the day so he's not tempted to follow you home. It's unlikely that you'll ever successfully co-parent with this dick so for your own sanity, don't try. Children understand the concept of different rules with separated parents.
The confused messages that Disney dad is sending can be countered by communicating very clearly to your children what your expectations and boundaries are and the consequences of overstepping those boundaries, repeat and follow through.

Let the Solicitor take over communicating and when you must communicate with this fuckwit keep it short, simple and on paper (for court purposes, it is going to come in handy having his ridiculousness and your sainthood on paper).

If you haven't had counselling, I would seriously recommend that you do and if possible for your kids as well. You need support and a place where your voice and theirs are heard.

His behaviour is unacceptable and you have done nothing, NOTHING, to warrant this behaviour. He is an angry troubled man and you and your kids are just the external target for his unresolved internal issues.

Disengage, disengage, disengage and breathe.

His behaviour has upset your children. I know its hard but you must stand up and they must see you stand up against bullies and in this case the bully is their father. This will hopefully help them not be future victims of bullying and abuse because their kick ass mum wasn't.

Isetan. Thanks for the advice
I sound very weak above
In fact I've done a lot of what you've advised; intensive counselling for me, therapy for kids.
I still struggle to believe he's utterly unreasonable and a bully. (I feel guilty picking such a bad father for them)
I think it's a turning point though... He's not doing that to us again.

How dare he put anyone especially his children through that.
How do you explain that to children?

Isetan gives good advice.

If/when you move on from a contact centre, try to minimize direct handovers. School can be a good way, if there are overnights - dad picks them up from school and drops them off the next day, so you don't see each other. Failing that, I make sure handovers are in a public place - exH has an incentive to keep himself within certain limits, as he's very conscious of how he comes across in public.

Never, ever engage. If he says anything to you, either ignore or say "This is not the time and place" and then ignore. Never let your ex see he's getting to you - look bored. He only has the power that you give him.

Do NOT cajole him to have them in future. Your efforts need to go into your relationship with them, not his. If he cancels, try to do something nice with them instead.

I know what you mean about feeling guilt about picking such a bad father - I'm so sorry I landed with my dd with such a selfish and manipulative parent. She always wants to please daddy, and I tremble in case she looks for a future partner like him. I try not to badmouth him, but I do say non-person-specific things to dd eg. that if people go around making others feel bad, then it's normal that those others don't like to spend time around them.

I don't think you sound weak. I think you're doing your utmost to be reasonable, but being reasonable with unreasonable people just doesn't work. I keep forgetting that lesson myself, until the next incident comes along to remind me.

Thank you all for your advice above.

I lost my bearings for a day or two as he knocked me off course.
I do try to detach from what he does, I dont respond to what he says....and have done for a long time. I had thought that he would eventually get the message and look for another target but it seems not.

I've always told my children that they can ring their dad any time they want, but this has become a way for him to be 'wonder dad' as he arranges to see them on these calls.

I should limit this shouldn't I? They aren't old enough to know what is a good time (in relation to everything else going on) and he simply can't or wont consider what might suit them or me in his rush to score points.

Any advice on what to say when they ask 'may I ring dad?'

"why don;t we make a picture/card/cake/ for him and put it in the post box?"...works for my youngest 2 (6 and 8)