Would relate be able to help with this?

[SuperConfused]

DP and I are struggling with the fact that I want children and he doesn't think he does.

I knew this when we got together (we had been friends first) but suggested we stick a pin in it till I turned 30 as either one of us might have changed our minds by then. We were both ambivalent, but I leaned more towards yes and he leaned more towards no. As it is (4 years later) I am now 100% certain I want children, and he still feels unsure. We are however completely convinced we want to be together.

He is currently in a temporary position in work (which will hopefully lead to a side-way move to a field he's more interested in), and I'm hoping to get a slightly more senior job before having children, so realistically I wouldn't even want to start ttc for another three years.

But I feel like if we are going to ultimately break up over this, then I need to know sooner rather than later. I can't imagine every being with anyone else, but I also can't picture a life with him without children where I didn't end up torn apart with anger and resentment.

At the moment he feels fatherhood seems like a lot of sacrifices with the only pay-off being that he would get to stay with me, and that that isn't a good enough reason to bring a child into the world. He doesn't feel any pull towards it, though he is a great uncle and better with children than I am, but makes the usual jokes about getting to hand them back. On paper, I realise it seems very straightforward, but everyone I know who knows us both has said to me if I wait he'll change his mind, and knowing him for the last ten years I'm inclined to agree. But I also know you should believe what people tell you about themselves.

Which is why I'm wondering about counselling. We never fight, even about this, but even though we can talk calmly I do feel we go in circles. I would hope an external person could help us (largely him) identify what the main issues are and see if there are ways around them. But I've heard mixed things about relate, and I know this isn't a typical thing people would go for counselling about, so I thought I'd ask if people had any experience of this and would recommend them for it.

It sounds like you aren't in a big hurry so you've got some time to do some soul searching about what you really want out of life. If having a child is a 100% definite thing for you - you need to lay this out for him. If he says he is 100% against children then you will have to choose - him or a baby.

No one can really tell you what to do on this as there is no straightforward answer. You may find a therapist can help you as you can sit there and discuss your feelings with the help of a moderator - the therapist can also ask engaging questions and get you both thinking about things you may not have considered before.

Don't put too much time pressure on yourself but at the same time don't waste your time with someone who wants different things out of life.

Personally, I'd always choose baby. But then I've known since my early 20s that I definitely wanted to become a mum. I can't wait for my little boy to arrive this December. I know people who don't have children can have fulfilling and exciting lives - but to me the whole reason we are put on this earth is to procreate and it is an experience that as women we are so lucky to get to go through - so I think we should take advantage of this. But, if you choose no baby - just consider you are helping with the overpopulation issue.

I hope this helps - even a little.

Think it could be discussed at couples counselling, but make sure you like your therapist. Relate I didn't like at all, you'll have an initial consult then might get a different therpaist. you pay whay you can afford, there is a sliding scale. a private therapist was much better, but they are quite rare and possibly more expensive.

I didn't particularly want children, wasn't a driver for me, but once I did nothing can compare. It is hard but joyful too. Hope you manage to sort things out.

Relate explore relationship issues so it's likely something they would explore in something.

Though, is it something he wants to resolve? You also say you want counselling to see if it could change his opinion, what if he doesn't want to change his opinion?

I think banking on him changing his mind is risky, because what if in 10 years he feels the same?

I think if you want to stay with him without the chance of trying for a family, it would be healthy for you to explore your own feelings in counselling and making that a joint purpose of going.

Thanks for the views. He is very keen to sort this out too, but it feels like we're at a bit of an impasse so I suppose I'd like someone to help us explore our views, and if I'm honest, particularly his views - I am pretty 100% on having children at this point, he's more 80/20 against, with that '20' being mostly driven by the fact that we'd have a nice life together. Some of the reasons he gives - being worried about having to give up his career, worried he wouldn't be as good at it as his parents were, concerned about how we'd manage housework as we're both quite messy with just the two of us - seem to me like issues we should be able to work through, and things we can get past. Then there are others that aren't. I suppose I'd like someone to help us separate out the 'fixable' issues so they aren't clouding either of our thinking and see what's possible.

At the moment, I think I'm seizing on all the small issues, thinking 'that's not enough of a reason, we can think of a way around that' and not fully understanding the bigger ones, (and possibly getting false hope) and he's letting the smaller ones cloud into the bigger ones and it just seems like all there is are reasons not to.

I think I will start looking into counsellors in the area, not just the relate ones, and see what options we have.

It sounds like both your positions are pretty clear, you essentially want him to change his mind. At present he has exactly what he wants, you without kids, so the onus is on you to make the decision. If you want kids then you need to be pursuing a relationship with someone who does.

"I would hope an external person could help us (largely him) identify what the main issues are and see if there are ways around them"

He has given reasons, valid ones at that, you just won't accept them because they are obstacles to what you want.

Neither of you are at fault for holding the positions that you do but you are incompatible on a fundamental issue.