Can respect and secrecy coexist in a relationship?

[Emptychairs]

I've recently had a thread on assertiveness and got some great replies. This in turn has lead me to question some of dh behaviour.
Dh is v secretive, this didn't really bother me up to now as I really need privacy myself. However I'm seeing differences in how "private" we are, for example, I have no password on my phone, but when I get a message from someone I mention it to dh as a matter of courtesy.
Dh used to pass on information to me re ex w verbal attacks on me, which of course upset me (not ow, btw) but now when he springs information on me re dsc he says keeping me constantly informed of dealings with ex w always upset me.
My finances are open, his are closed, I get a spread sheet not a look at bank statements.
Neither my PC nor iPad are password protected, his are. It took him ages to tell me the password for our server...
I know its all trivial but having decided to face my fears and become bolder I see all sorts of half arsed attempts by dh to "control" me through secrecy. I'm really starting to lose my respect for him. The most hilarious one yet: he complained that I delete the "history" on my iPad!
He cheated on his first wife (all her fault, of course ) and may still be harboring the form for having an affair. I'm not suspecting him of this btw, I think he's trying to somehow undermine me in a general way. I think its childish, but as soon as I pull him up on one thing he starts another! Is this a man thing??
Is this something to let go or ponder upon? There is no impact on our daily lives except on my feelings, that I feel he's trying to hurt...

I really, truly don't mean to be nasty when I say this, but you seem a bit paranoid - he just sounds like a naturally more private person than you are. My DH and I both act the way your DH does - we both have all our gadgets password protected and don't know each other's passwords; when we discuss finances we take each other's word for it rather than showing bank statements, etc. We don't do it to 'control' each other and neither of us has a problem with it because we trust each other. Is there maybe a deeper issue here? Do you think you'd feel the same way about his privacy if he didn't have a history of cheating?

I couldn't live like this. What's the point of hiding stuff - unless you've got stuff to hide?

Erm.....no, not a "man thing". However, for such a "private" person to be pissed off about a deleted history on your ipad seems..........odd.

I agree with Sondosia.

My DH knows my passwords for everything. I ask him to log into my emails and Facebook, too. I know none of his passwords (he works in IT and password protects everything, with randomly generated passwords which change every 6 weeks).

I don't have my own bank account; only a joint one with him (but he has various accounts of his own) and I haven't checked the bank balance in over 3 years; I just take his word for it.

If I knew he had cheated on a previous partner, I couldn't trust DH as much as I do. Like the Sondosia said, is it not possible that due to insecurities which naturally arise from having a partner with his history, and when you are not the most confident person yourself, you are being a little paranoid and reading too much into it?

Well you don't sound paranoid to me.

You sound like someone in an unequal relationship who is just waking up to the fact.

Good for you. You don't have to accept ANY unfair deals, spoken or unspoken ones.

Not a man thing! Your DH is secretive out of habit which is bad news if he has form for cheating.
DP and I have separate accounts but he would happily show me his if I asked and vice versa because we have nothing to hide.

Not sure what to advise, just keep noticing...

Jammee, the situation you describe sounds just right for me (dont like techie stuff and am happy to have dh take care of online banking etc). But it is based on mutual trust. I started off like this, then got more and more worried because of little niggling things that, yes, do make me sound paranoid!
Like the fact that although I'm a trusting soul and don't snoop or ask impertinent questions, dh will often do this himself, while over protecting his own stuff. It's just so frustrating, because he will hint at getting a bonus, then never talk about it again. I don't need his money, just his openness. It's a bit insulting really, like he doesn't trust me, or I'd swindle him or something?!? We have dc from first marriages and I always put his financial secrecy down to his wanting to share with his dc only. Fine, I can do the same. But then why snoop and imply I'm being unfair?
He does the same with me dealing with other men (aha! Proof of possible infidelity!!! Found a cigarette butt near our door...). But is very vague about women in his workplace (his affair was with married woman he'd met at a conference and last straw in bad marriage).
Is he deliberately keeping me at arms length?

Emptychairs my H was as secretive as yours and I also allowed him to do all the techy stuff eg money and computer administration . I am very open myself.

I lived to regret it, and it caused me years of paranoid misery when I finally began to seriously suspect he was up to no good, as I could get no proof and everything was online, even phone bills.

Your instincts are telling you that this doesn't feel right, or equal, in YOUR relationship. I would bet money that your instincts are serving you well, or will so in the future.

That is why I say, resist inequality. Don't tolerate it or key it creep in.

Let, not key.

I think your relationship is very unequal and it wouldn't suit me at all. It would make me respond by password protecting everything and by keeping all my finances secret, which I wouldn't want to do normally.

I don't like the fact he says it was his wife's fault that he cheated. It's your fault you delete the history on your own iPad, too. Do you really like this man?

Jammee you say, "I don't have my own bank account; only a joint one with him (but he has various accounts of his own.)"

This just doesn't sound fair! What's yours is his, what's his is his?

My ex husband and I used to have three accounts - one joint, one for each of us. However, all three were technically joint, we just didn't have cards for each other's accounts. What if something happened to your husband? You wouldn't be able to access that money. Why does he need various accounts and why don't you?

I don't think you are being paranoid about this at all.
He must have motive or an agenda for this behaviour.
He obviously had to be very secretive when having the affair, and I am assuming his wife badly stung him financially when they parted?
Regardless of the above, I think it is an insult to you, and I think you need to put your cards on the table and tell him you want an open and honest relationship.
If this is not forthcoming, I would certainly make sure I was as secretive as him, but only you can decide if you can live like that.

Mm. Just a thought: have you both made a will? If you have, is it a mirror will, where the surviving partner inherits everything? Remember that his accounts become yours on his death if he's not made provision for his DCs.

If he has a will but you don't, have you seen it?

As better qualified people than me will know, wills are a favourite tool of the controlling and secretive.

Disgrace, yes we have wills, but only I have property to pass on and I'm leaving it to ds.
This was done quite openly at a solicitors, with dh present, who also drew up a will leaving his future inheritance to his kids (his parents still alive).
I know he's angry and became even more secretive after this.

Why is he angry about this? Is it because in the future your ds will be vastly better off than his dcs in terms of the property values?

Disgrace, yes we have wills, but only I have property to pass on and I'm leaving it to ds.

I didn't think that was an option if you were married? What's mine is yours etc.

I thought that in a marriage you don't have secrets and that everything is shared.

Re dsc and inheritance, its just the other way round actually.
Their maternal gp are quite wealthy and their mum is a high earner.
Also dh parents are relatively wealthy and I felt I was being judged a bit when dh and I married, not that I'm a poor obvious good digger, but some people are a bit mean spirited materially speaking and so I set their worries at rest by saying their grandchildren would get all, I would get nothing. I could tell this worked wonders on them. So in turn I made my will out to benefit ds, my parents have both died and I owned my last residence.
Re our present abode, whoever wants to live here after our death will have to pay off the other step siblings. It's a complicated leasehold and the best we can do (surviving spouse has rights to live there til death).
All this seems fair to me, especially as it was decided in reaction to dh family and their money concerns.

Ps, yes, dh was fleeced after divorce but as he's always saying I'm so different to exw why am I not getting the benefit of the doubt?