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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

WWYD critical father and new baby (long)

43 replies

ParisianTrialByFire · 26/08/2013 09:20

My father is constantly criticising me, and it's stretching my temper to breaking point.

Background, he wasn't around much when I was young, parents divorced when I was 12 and he was almost completely absent. The time we did spend together was filled with nasty comments about mum and how she was raising us (she isn't any better, but that's another thread!) Have only tried to have a proper relationship with him since having DS (now 3).

Nothing I do is good enough for him. My choice in career, the fact I haven't got one yet (currently studying), my standards of housework, how I parent...everything I do, he has a comment. I've tried shrugging it off, but I have to deal with it every time I see him. He has no respect for my wishes when DS stays with him, but the time off is all that's keeping me sane right now.

He even chose the nursery for DS, without consulting me, then got angry when I put him into a different one. It's as if he thinks I'm not capable of making these decisions for myself. He is no more qualified to choose than me, since mum was primary carer, so it's just him treating me like a child.

And now he's had another child (stepmother's first). I'm happy for them, if a little concerned about the age gap. I've bitten my tongue rather than ask why they did it. But the criticism has just escalated since she was born, as if somehow having this baby gives him the right to tear me down. He hasn't even given me a chance to meet my baby sister.

I just don't know what to do anymore. Have already gone NC with mum, I don't really want to do the same with dad, but my patience is pretty much gone.

OP posts:

LemonBreeland · 26/08/2013 18:29

I was also trying to be kind with the needing help thing.

My dh works 6 days a week and has done for the past 6 years. I have 3 dc and work part time and run the house and never get a night off or break. I'm not saying this to play a bigger martyr, but honestly I can manage looking after my own dc so you can too. Your Dad is not a good person for your ds to be around. Long term he will be toxic to him too.

MissStrawberry · 26/08/2013 18:33

Your child being with someone who doesn't make his mother feel like shit is not worth one night a months rest. Is it?

Portofino · 26/08/2013 18:34

Of course you can find a babysitter if you try. I moved to a foreign country and managed fine. As for your dad, just tell him to piss off. Though how you manage not see your sister when your son stays at their house once a month is beyond me.

MissStrawberry · 26/08/2013 18:34

I assume your son hasn't been for his usual sleep over if you haven't seen your half sister yet?

ivykaty44 · 26/08/2013 18:41

I would sit him down with out the children around and say up front that his comments are upsetting you greatly and you want him to know that this is the effect as he may not realise how hurtful the comments are and this will hopefully give him a chance to stop it. Then let hims know this is not negotiable - they are hurtful to you and they must stop in your company.

Viviennemary · 26/08/2013 18:42

You are quite disapproving of your father's decisions. And he is disapproving of yours. So you can tell him straight to keep his opinions to himself as you're not interested, you can ignore him and hope things improve or you can see a lot less of him. Can't think of any other options.

Andro · 26/08/2013 18:44

OP, I think some people are being a bit harsh about your reaction to your half sister; having a half sibling over 20 years younger than you and 3 years younger than your own child must very strange, I'm not surprised you've have a bit of a 'what on earth' reaction to it.

As for your father, set some boundaries. Accept that grandparents spoil their grandchildren and, calmly but firmly state that you find his constant criticism of yourself inappropriate. Doe he do this in front of your DS? If so, inform him that you don't consider it right for your DS to hear these things. Be honest with yourself about the effect your upbringing has had on you, seek some professional help if you need it.

Original poster

ParisianTrialByFire · 26/08/2013 19:02

LemonBreeland I applaud your ability to do what I can't, but please don't make it sound as if I don't take care of my son. I'm doing the best I can.

Portofino the fact that you managed doesn't mean I can. I appreciate what you're trying to say, but I have honestly tried everything I could at the time. Like I said, when he starts nursery it will be easier.

exexpat I don't have a problem with the fact they had a child, I'm happy for them, I just think it's a bit weird. Clearly I'm wrong, but if I can't say what I think anonymously on here, when can I say it?

OP posts:

ConflictDodger · 26/08/2013 19:20

I'm not sure why people are giving the OP a kicking about needing a break. Needing a break is totally understandable, especially when you're studying and working. But the thing is OP in your situation I honestly would ask around for a babysitter, rather than let your sorry excuse for a father crush your self-esteem. It is hard when you have no family in the area who you can rely on - do you have any friends with kids who you could swap child-minding favours with?

breatheslowly · 26/08/2013 19:21

Ask if any of the nursery staff will babysit - we found that lots of them will.

It isn't "a bit off" to have a child 3 years after having a GC. It must be sad for you that he intends to be a parent to your sister, and he wasn't for you. But it isn't really any of your business that he has had a child quite late.

LemonBreeland · 26/08/2013 19:29

I wasn't making it sound like you weren't taking care of your son. I was simply saying that the one night a month off is not worth all the crap it comes with.

pumpkinsweetie · 26/08/2013 19:36

I agree with midwife, do not rely on him for a break as you are leading yourself up to more heartbreak.
I would also recommend having a look at the stately homes thread, as it sounds as though you have toxic parents

yellowutka · 26/08/2013 20:03

The op is working from home and looking after ds, in other words, working without the benefit of childcare while she does so. Is it really that hard to concede that she might need a break?

Hissy · 26/08/2013 20:14

What pisses me right off is that your dad has proved he's a shit dad.

He's nasty, foul tempered and has an over developed sense of entitlement to lecture you on something he knows Fuck all about; being a parent.

You're caving in to let him have your son because HE wants him. What about your child's welfare? Why is your son the guinea pig?

But someone like your dad is not trustworthy, not at all.

Don't ever place your child in situations they can't get out of, when you know people are substandard.

Your son is 3, if you are struggling to study while you have no childcare, take a break from studying until you can make it work.

Or find a CM and get some breaks with someone with a proven track record.

Many parents work 12 hour days 6 days a week. Still means he has 1 day to help you, the one he wants to marry, care for, be a family with.

Please be responsible about where you place your son. He can't tell you what he's had happen to him.

Your dad has no respect for women, much less you as a woman OR a parent. You think he'd stop himself where a little baby is concerned?

Hissy · 26/08/2013 20:20

I'm not angry with you OP, I feel for your boy. I've seen what shit GP can do to a child to get at their parent(s)

I've also seen shit dad's all day manhandling their toddlers, then blaming them for stopping, or telling newborns to 'shut up'

My own mother has put my son through discomfort for her own benefit.

smearedinfood · 26/08/2013 20:58

The best advice given to me was that "no one will fight your corner as well as you can". I think OP's self esteem has taken a battering from shit parents and she may find it difficult to trust and make new friends, hence the finding new baby sitters..

I do agree with conflict dodger about finding a new baby sitter.

I too have just one parent that I have contact with and you do have to ignore half the crap that comes out of their mouth, you have to do this for your own self preservation.

Think of it this way, you've learned to live without them for so long that it's probably more in their interests to keep you onside.

zippey · 27/08/2013 07:52

I also agree that asking for a break is a good thing. We all need one, apart from the super parents on here! OP is at uni, working, looking after home and taking care of her child.

However I also agree to be wary of this person looking after your child. He can't be awful to you but nice to your child. You come as a package. If he behaved well to you but was nasty to your child you wouldn't accept it.

Is give him a chance to mend his ways, but also look for babysitters, if you can afford it. Put an ad out. Doesn't need to be all day, a few afternoons a month?

themidwife · 28/08/2013 08:05

Of course we all need a break but take it when you have other child are such as the 15 hours a week free nursery care or when your partner is home so you can go out. Or get a babysitter. Do not rely on anyone who you then feel obligated to so they can't treat you like shit. Remember, he didn't do so well as a parent did he?

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