letting a relationship drift on

[melanie58]

I would be grateful for any advice on my situation.

After my marriage broke up I had a relationship with a man which started really well, and he moved in with me. This quickly proved to be a mistake, as he was difficult to live with and became controlling. Eventually I asked him to move out.

However, we have have since met several times and seem to be in a FWB situation. We get on well when we meet (I suppose he's on his best behaviour), have a lot in common and have great sex - that was always one of the good things about our relationship, especially as I had been in a sexless marriage for many years.

I'm absolutely sure I don't want to get back with him and part of the reason I continue to see him is that I feel sorry for him - he has no close friends - and guilty about making him move out. Also I am worried that if I terminate the relationship completely I may never have sex again! (I'm 55.) But I know really that he's not a nice character, and I don't miss him when he's not around, and I feel rather as if I'm using him - though God knows he owes me, after the way he behaved when we were together - and I'm sure he enjoys the sex as much as I do.

I suspect it would be better for both of us to break off all contact. Do mumsnetters agree? Or is it ok to carry on like this?

Presumably you're not raping him?! Or vice versa? If the sex is consensual and neither of you are deceiving anyone (sudden thought, are you SURE it's exclusive - if you have any doubts at all, please prioritise your health at all times), then I can't see that there's a problem with the "mechanics" of the arrangement.

However... isn't your question really about your emotional wellbeing? If you are able to be detached enough to just "scratch an itch" as and when, then I can't see the damage. BUT the very fact you're asking suggests you're not 100% comfortable with the scenario. Don't brush your own concerns under the carpet. After all, if even YOU don't feel your concerns are worth taking seriously and valuing, why would any body else ever feel they should respect your feelings and views?

I agree it would be best, mostly because you may well then never really find someone you like if you stick with him.
But also because it's not a satisfying relationship for you. apart from the sex. It seems partly born out of guilt.

You can leave him. It's ok.

Thank you both for commenting. It really helped. It made me think harder about why I wasn't comfortable with the situation and I have called a halt to it. I feel I have regained my self-respect. I was also having to be a bit sneaky about seeing him, as my family disliked him, so now I can go back to being my usual honest self.