Urgent advice needed re confrontation

[gingerbreadshoes]

I already have a thread on here about dp and the trust issue I have.

Well I was left alone using his computer so I looked at the history and it says he has been visiting a site called f-buddy.

I did post in chat yesterday asking about this but I thought it was a game app he had on his phone.

How wrong I was it seems I have signed up and it appears to be a site where you can meet other people in your area. I can't find a profile for him (good sign) but I believe you are able to look at other peoples as his history was a list practically of womens profiles

How do I confront him about this? I am past caring about him knowing I looked at his history but I am upstairs not knowing what to do.

There's only one way to do it I think, just go and ask him.
Unless you think he might get violent.

No I don't think he would get violent I can just see excuses and it being me in the wrong followed by silences as he will stop talking to me.

Really I just need to double check that this isn't normal 'male' behaviour as I know he looks at porn but he said when I asked about it that he has done for years.

hmm... what excuses could there be though? Can you take the hardline? I.e, if he isn't even willing to discuss it, he might as well leave.

I imagine he will say it is harmless fun and his mates use it even though I doubt they do as he has no single ones that I know of.

I know I shouldn' look as no good ever comes of it but honestly I hate the feeling I have now.

Infact, maybe you should start there? Say, there are already trust issues in the relationship and from what you have just found you need time and space to think things through (sorry, I haven't read your other post, but just about ready to call it quits on my own dp so this may be influencing my 'advice')

Why confront tonight? Why not take a day or two to get clear in your head what you're going to say and what outcomes you want?

And BTW its NOT harmless fun and so what if he's mates use it? Thats both irrelevant and childish! If he gives you those excuses look at him calmly and levelly and say 'You need to grow up. You certainly arn't the man I thought you were.'

Yea, take the time if you can (if your sure it won't get blurted out in anger in the mean time)

Ok I am back with him and am acting normally. I will think about what I am going to say because as soon as I do he will change his password on his computer etc so I won't be able to look again.

I think I will definitely be looking at my financial options if we do split as he really isn't the man I thought he was, this one makes me feel sick.

If you can keep it all underwraps (try to disengage from him as much as poss, whilst remaining polite etc) then I would certainly keep schtum and gather as much evidence and advice (CAB, solicitors etc) before you make any move. Even if your not sure you want to leave o the back of this, its still a good idea to have your escape plan ready to be put into action then to have to deal with it all on the back of an emotional reaction.

It's too late I tried to keep it in but he was talking about a future spend if money so I started a chat about our relationship.

He tried to say he hasn't looked lately but I know different. I asked questions in such a way that he told me he had contacted and chatted toseveral women.

Won't be askibf him ti leave until I know what I should do re to money.

Hi Ginger how are things today?

Hi, thanks for asking

He is still here as we had a day out planned so we still did it.

He says he only contacts these ow when he is feeling low and unhappy as he finds this to be easier for him than to talk to me or work out why he is unhappy.

When he comes out of this he knows it was the wrong thing to do but again, instead of sorting the issue he ignores it until it happens again.

This has been going on for 3 months now without me knowing so I did say how could I ever trust him if he can do this whilst I am in the same house?

I really don't know where to go from here, he maintains that although a couple of them wanted to meet up he never did but surely if I forgive this that will be the next step as he does it as he finds it exciting.

What a load of old shit. I would dump his sorry arse now.

All sounds like a heap of excuses. Your not going to let him get away with that are you? I would chuck him to the kerb!

What bollocks.

Women on FBuddy haven't joined up to be agony aunts to some whinging stranger!

Right now I am a tad confused as I can't seem to summon up any kind of feeling or emotion which is very odd for me.

It is as though when I think about it all my brain puts up a filter and it doesn't seem to be registering what he has done.

I'm also worried that if I tell someone in rl they will underplay what he has done and make me feel as though I am being unreasonable for even thinking about asking him to leave over it.

He is sitting here as if nothing has happened which I know is my fault because I am letting him.

It doesn't matter one jot where other people's boundaries lie - his behaviour is making you unhappy, therefore it is not ok.

I can't pretend to know why your brain seems to want to filter out what he's done. All I know is he's making you unhappy and EVEN WORSE he doesn't care and has no intention of stopping. FINALLY, he nicely turned it round and made it your fault for being so difficult to talk to.

I don't know you, but I know this is a miserable relationship to exist in.

You can do better.

I have now spoken to someone in rl which has made it more real to me as I can't ignore it now.

They have offered me practical advice which has helped but is a massive step for me to take.

It is a massive step, it seems insurmountable now, but it really isn't. Its scary to confront it all, and maybe your lack of emotion is because in someways you just want it to all go away and never to have happened? But is has. And if you ignore it now, you will still end up having to deal with it at some point in the future.

I know that if I don't do something about it now it will be worse in the future as he will have got away with it again.

I am starting to feel angry and embarrased now so at least I'm feeling something.

I can't imagine being a single parent to ds though.

Its no where near as bad as you think. In fact there are many plus points! Not least of which will be being able to repair your own self-esteem.
Like I said before I haven't read your previous thread, but if your unsure you wish to split over this as opposed to trying to 'make a stand' first, have you thought about Relate counselling?

I'm not sure if Relate would work now as it was a similar thing he did before. There were no consequences then so he obviously felt he would get away with it for a second time. I have said he needs to leave for a bit because he has spent the day carrying on as if nothing has happened.

He is in bits at the moment as I think the enormity of what that means wrt ds has just hit him. But I still feel that he is only sorry that he got caught although he didn't put hardly any effort into concealing what he was doing as I found it all straight away once I had access.

I am dreading ds constantly saying his name as he is too young to understand

Its better when they're too young to understand, they seem to adapt to it quite easily :)