Women who leave their children

[sandyballs]

Not being judgemental here, just curious to have a MN perspective.

My brother has recently left his wife and two young children and moved in with a woman he describes as his soul mate. She is also married, has four children under 10, the youngest is 3, and she has left them with her husband to live with my brother.

I just find it incredibly hard to get my head round the fact that she has left her babies. I know my brother has done exactly the same but it just seems worse for a mum to do that than a dad.

My brother gave her the option of bringing them - it wasn't a "them or me" situation, he was willing to take them all on but she chose to leave them and now only sees them once a week.

I'm trying hard to get to know her because she has become so important to my brother and is obviously coming to lots of family gatherings, and I'm trying very hard not to judge her as I don't know what her marriage was like or how unhappy she was and I don't feel I know her well enough to probe just yet, but the thought of leaving my DDs and just seeing them once a week is horrific.

Has anyone here had any experience of this.
By the way, her mum left her when she was tiny - so wouldn't that make you think that she would try so hard not to put her kids throught he same thing. I'm very confused!

Jasper - well I didn't want to go into why my Mum left but it looks like have just done it. My dm had a breakdown and really could not cope.

Susanmt - you sound exactly how I was before/during treatment. You have about zero confidence in yourself. It's funny cause it takes something so unrelated, and very much later on in life, for the hurt and pain to hit you. Somehow throughout our early years we just learn to cope. You will get better but it is by no means quick and easy. You are just so lucky that you have your dh. At the time I had my wonderful dad and he wanted to help but I would not take it - I shut everyone out until I was nearly killing myself. But I'm still here - stronger than ever.

jasper - I liked that post. Think it's so hard to judge a situation from the outside. We just don't seem to be as surprised at men who leave in the way we are when a woman does.

Tinker, my dh's father walked out on him when he was 13. Since we had our children neither dh or I can understand how he could do this. I can't understand how a parent can walk away from their kids. To devorce another adult is one thing, but to walk away from your children is quite another.

hmb - I agree with you, I can't understand how either parent could walk away but we (society) seem to be far more shocked when a woman does it. If a female friend meets someone who has kids from a previous relationship we don't seem to have teh same angst about meeting him (the new boyfriend) as we would if the sexes were reversed.

Jasper, I do feel for your friend, even though my own mum did the same for different reasons.
I know a woman whose husband said he would kill her if she took the children. So she had to leave them with him. It's a terrible situation and I suppose people just have to do the best they can. I wouldn't leave, even if threatened with death, but I can understand why she was frightened into it.

Strangley enough, DS1 (4) was watching a cartoon about some separating parents and cried at the thought of leaving his daddy. He said he would rather stay with DH while I left and took ds2! How ironic is that? One of his reasons was that DH plays with them while I'm busy doing work (laundry, cooking etc), so be warned.

my eldest boy is like that droile, the other day he said " i love you mommy" so i said "do you? how much?" and he held up a couple of fingers and said "two" then he said " i love daddy" so i said again " how much?" and he said "three" so i said "oh does that mean you love daddy more than me?"
and he said " yeah because he lets me jump of the sofa and be power ranger"
interesting how children prioritise things in thier life!!!!

tiredemma

OK...here goes...My maternal grandmother left her children. She killed herself at the age of 24.

It obviously damaged my mother a hell of a lot. I think it was one of the reasons she wasn't very good at being a mother or giving her daughters a sense of self-worth. Because I adore my daughters, I really do...but in bleak moments I feel, quite seriously, that they would be better off without me. I mean that. They deserve better than me.

It's not normal to feel like that, is it?

Hmm, well it shows that children would rather have a parent who spends some time with them than have clean dishes. Which I suppose is obvious if we think about it but it's so, so unfair that very often men get the former while women carry out the chores.

MI, I'm positive they wouldn't. hugs.

We watched Italian Job (I'd never seen it before) and the following documentaries last night. In the documentaries it was saying that the producer (Peter someone - sorry forgotten his name) was left in a kids home at about the age of 10 because his parents split up and neither parent wanted him. I was almost in tears - I just can't get my head around not wanting your own children, let alone both parents not wanting them.

The other thing which made me think, is that Noel Coward took interest in this withdrawn and upset kid and became his godfather. These days if a grown man took interest in a ten year old, wouldn't most people think the worst of them? What a shame to think that kids might miss out on that sort of role model these days due to society's paranoia

Sorry, have veered off topic somewhat.

Motherinferior - your children really wouldn't be better off without you. hugs from me too.

My story is slightly different but here goes...
My mom and dad divorced when i was 11 and my brothers were 9 and 16. They had had a trial seperation before but decided to try again (big mistake). I decided as soon as i was told that i wanted to live with my dad. I didn't tell anyone for ages though as i thought i wouldn't be allowed too. Eventually, during an argument with my mom, i told her what i wanted. Underdstandably she wasn't happy and told me that i couldn't.
My eldest brother had also decided to stay with my dad, and my younger brother said that he wanted to stay with us. My mom and Dad fought a long hard battle over us, and i had to fight off peoples critisicm of my desicion. My dad by the way cried when i told him my desicion. We went to family mediation (or something similar) and every time i told them that i wanted to live with my dad they ignored me. It started to effect me very much, and i wrote to the childrens legal centre asking them for advice. I was told i could write to the judge, but he probably wouldn't listen or i could get my own soliciter. I did just that and after recieving a letter from my soliciter my mom admitted defeat and moved out. Our relationship was very strained for a while, but now we live opposite each other and get on very well.
I have told my mom that i am grateful for her leaving as i couldn't of coped with the whole situation for much longer. I don't regret my desicion though. For me, living with my dad was the best thing. Since i've had kids of my own, i've realised just hoe terrible it must of been for my mom and hope that it never happems to me, but if it did, i would have to respect my childrens wishes.

Nutcracker, it is stories like yours that show why we mustn't judge someone until we know all te facts. I hope Sandyballs can get some real understanding of her brothers girlfriend first, it only happened recently, so it could be temporary perhaps

Thank you for all your replies. It has certainly made me look at the situation from different angles, if you see what I mean. Thanks for all being so honest and sharing your own experiences.

I spoke to my brother over the weekend and asked him if his girlfriend missed her children. He replied that she did but she believed her husband to be the better parent - apparently he is doing an excellent job raising them on his own, far better than she believes she could have done.

I'll never understand it and it will always cloud my relationship with her but then we don't have to be the best of friends do we, just because she is with my brother. As long as we are getting along on a superficial level at family "dos", then that is enough for me.

My brother is happier than I have ever seen him in my life so perhaps I should be grateful for that. A part of me worries that he is going to get his heart broken when the "honeymoon" period wears off and she returns to her children. Another part of me wants that to happen so they have their mother back. All very confusing!