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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Acceptance by future mil?

9 replies

SarahGoodwin33 · 25/08/2013 17:59

Hi all
Some of you may have read about me already but for those who haven't I am a transsexual and going through transition to female? I live full time as Sarah and have done for nearly 3 years now.
I started going out with my boyfriend several months ago (known him for nearly two years) and have got to know his family. They have all been very welcoming especially his sister who I see regularly and who does my hair!
His mum (who is very close to her son) has been on the whole very welcoming although there has been some rather embarassing conversations over the months, namely the ones about intimacy!
I know it sounds a bit over the top but him and I have been chatting about perhaps taking things further next year and tying the knot In a civil ceremony. This suits me perfectly because I am an atheist so have no desire to set foot in a church and also of course my circumstances dictate a civil ceremony.
This doesn't sit very well with his mum though who wants the big white event for his only son and I totally get that. Whilst we haven't broached the subject of our long term plans with her she is one of these people that talks about the prospect of weddings and when she does we share a sideways glance!
I want to bring up the subject of how we might do things but am scared to. Part of me thinks leave it to him but part of me thinks I would like to chat to her. We have developed a friendship and think me talking to her would be more appropriate that him doing it.
I am scared because I feel I may have stolen this dream she has of a big white wedding and all the trimmings but even if we were to do a church wedding I would no way want all the naff things that go with it! I would probably go for a shocking red dress or something!
Any thoughts or advise would be appreciated

OP posts:
JamesAndTheGiantBanana · 25/08/2013 18:06

Has she got any other kids? Have they got married?

Vivacia · 25/08/2013 18:06

Talk to her, if you get on. Discuss each others idea of your ideal ceremony but stay firm if you feel any pressure to compromise.

JamesAndTheGiantBanana · 25/08/2013 18:08

Sorry just remembered you wrote that she has a daughter, did she get married? Has the mil had a crack at the big white wedding mother of the bride stuff already?

Vivacia · 25/08/2013 18:09

Presumably she had a crack when she got married!

EaudeChl0e · 25/08/2013 18:12

I'd say the church / registry office is a very small deal to her in the circumstances. You can have a flamboyant do in a registry office.

MexicanHat · 25/08/2013 18:23

First of all congrats!!

My own Mum didn't get involved in my brother's wedding the same way she did in mine. I do think it's more of a mother/daughter thing.

And your wedding day is all about your dream - not your future MILs [smie]

technosausage · 25/08/2013 21:14

First off please don't worry about ruining her 'dream' it would be yours and your partners day not hers.
Listen to her ideas, take them on board and try and find a way to make her feel involved but don't do something your not happy with just to please someone else.

QuintessentialOldDear · 25/08/2013 21:16

Congratulations!

I am of the opinion that your mil had her own wedding, and if she didnt, tough luck that was her chance. Her only son should be worthy of THE WEDDING HE WANTS. (sorry, cant emphasize it enough).

SarahGoodwin33 · 25/08/2013 21:36

Thank you for all your comments, very helpful. Yes I think she should be happy with whatever her son wants and think I just need be tactful when I chat to her.
It's funny because people I come across who are transgendered in the main want to have that fairytale white wedding which they couldn't have when they trapped in the wrong body. I on the other hand don't want that even if I could, it's just not me.
I would however get great thrill out of going shopping for outfit with said mil as that would make me feel complete as a woman! We have had the of shopping trip but that would be more special.

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