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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

advice on how to deal with mum --or not--

6 replies

wispa31 · 25/08/2013 13:29

right ladies. would love some advice about my dm. this might be a bit long so apologies in advance.

right, so currently 38+4 wks pg. moved 70 miles away (just over an hour away from my folks) to move in with my dp. reasons i moved to him being that he is s/employed and business established there and that he already has a mortgage on a house which is currently being worked on though almost ready to move in, which will be start of this week coming.) also, the city i live in i would never want to raise children in. too much silly nonsense re protestants/catholics that i have absolutely no time for!

as house is not ready to move in i have been staying with my dp at his parents house the last 4-5 wks. dm has gotten rather sniffy about it, to the point my own best friend had to jump to my defence when she wanted to kick off.

she has convinced herself that this now a competition about who will get to see the new gc the mostest and be bestest granny and that she will never get to see her gc. this is total nonsense, of course we will be visiting them and them us! (i have already tried to have a convo about it with her) she is basically jealous that im staying at his parents and not with her. ive tried to explain that at this stage of pg i cant be too far from dp or the hospital im booked in to give birth and that im not staying there because i prefer his parents over her as she thinks.
i had to speak to her about it as she refused to come up for me to do her hair (im a trained hairdresser, ive done her hair ever since i trained up) to his parents house because she didnt feel comfortable around his mum (who went out of her way to make them welcome the one time they visited months back, including making them dinner!) i fear its because they are a catholic family (we are not) and my folks dont 'do religion as its all nonsense' etc etc. this meant i had to get dp to take me last sunday to mums when we should have been out at house getting cleaning/painting etc done. i have already explained to mum i wouldnt be drving down on my own at this stage as im getting too tired and its very uncomfortable in the car for long periods and for reasons above.
she has made it clear that she doesnt want to get to know his parents and as ive said i think its because of their religious beliefs (early on in pg when mum asked if we would be moving in together now she fell out with me when i said yes thats our intention, told me that she wouldnt appreciate it if i raise the child a catholic!?!?! WTAF?? i have no time for bigotry and narrow-mindedness from anyone and still cant belive she said it being as her best and oldest friend is catholic as is my bff!
now, me and dp have been talking and have decided that the baby will be christened, im already freaking out about my folks, as i really think my mum will refuse to go, which will look really bad and i dont want this to interfere in my relationship with dp, i would never forgive my mum if it did. wtf do i do? sorry its so long and muddled, theres more i could say but ive rambled on long enough!

OP posts:
Chottie · 25/08/2013 14:34

Congratulations on your new expected arrival :)

I really think your mother needs to get a grip. This is your baby and you and your DP will be the parents and will make all the decisions for him / her. Basically I think your DM needs to just suck it up. You have asked her to visit, your DP's mother has been welcoming what more does she want?

It's not about who is the 'best gran', surely the more people your child has in his / her life to love him / her the better?

I realise it is difficult, please take a step back. I would tell your mother about the christening, say you would love her to be there too. If she says she is not coming, say you are sorry to hear this and hope she will come. However whether or not she is there, the christening will be going ahead and you would like her to be part of a special family occasion.

BTW - how old is your mother?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 25/08/2013 15:00

Weddings and pfbs can bring out the worst in parents so focus on you and baby and dp.

Love expands as a family expands it doesn't get spooned out in decreasing quantities. Tbh if your DM chooses to interpret this important time of your life as some kind of warped contest with dp's family, that is her business. Any religious dimension is a red herring. The main thorn in her flesh is the dawning realisation she cannot make you dance to her tune.

Maybe she will mellow when you are living under your own roof?

Whatever happens you can only adjust your reactions to her behaviour. When you have your newborn in your arms any antics will fade into the background. Christening, Christmas, future get-togethers, just take one step at a time.

Anniegetyourgun · 25/08/2013 18:01

You had to drive 70 miles in order to do her a favour (free hairdressing) as she refused to travel to you? That's beyond the call of duty, that is.

wispa31 · 25/08/2013 19:41

thanks for replies ladies :) really thought it was me BU!!

re the travelling to her, yes majorly fucked off that i ended up being manipulated into doing what suited her and will not be happening again, i made it clear to mum once there the reasons why i hadnt been to visit since moving/will not be before baby arrives. even dp who is a really family man even said to me surely she cant expect you to drive down there by yourself at this stage??

dm has always done this, anytime ive told her i was moving out (ive moved out and been home again a few times over the years) she has always fallen out with me and not spoken for days, so fucking childish its unreal. shes 62 going on 6!! actually, dealing with a 6 yr old would be so much easier!

when i spoke to her last week about it she even complained that she wasnt getting to buy the cot for us!! i had to remind her that she had already been kind enough to buy a changing table, moses basket and bouncy chair and other bits n bobs! also had to remind her that when she had me her and dad were in germany, in england for my db birth and we lived in germany til i was 9 yrs old before coming back home, and they didnt come home regularly for visits, i can remember 2 summer hols out of all that time away that we had visited family. we are an hr away so will be visiting alot more than that, if i havent got fed up and cut her off by then

i plan on chatting to her about christening, as it will be happening, and telling her that while my folks may not always like/agree with choices i make in MY LIFE, nor would i expect them to, i do expect them as my folks to support me and put aside their own opinions/feelings for 1 day and be there. dp doesnt know about any of this, dont really know what to say to him as i said, wouldnt want it causing any bother between us.

we had been talking about christmas and we will be staying at our own place, i will not be going down home though we thought about asking my folks to us as db has already told us he will not be coming over to stay this year but i think thats out the window now as his family would be around too and last thing i want is any awkwardness/huffing if dm cant get over herself.

OP posts:
wispa31 · 25/08/2013 19:44

annie - yep. ridiculous. my best friend said to me that i shouldnt have bothered running after her and to let her stew.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 25/08/2013 19:47

I would practice bright and breezey tones with her at all times and ignore her whinging!

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