There's so much information to this. It will be very long as I feel a rant coming on. I totally understand if this gets no replies because of its length. I just need to vent.
I'm sick to death of feeling crappy because of my mum. For as long as I can remember, she's been this way.
She moved here to be with my dad over 20 years ago, leaving all her family and friends behind (10 hours drive away). She had my eldest brother when they were both in their early 20's, and my youngest brother over ten years ago. There are seven of us altogether. My parents are now in their late 40's. All of us have grown up and left home except my youngest brother who is still just a preteen.
My parents are always arguing. Over the silliest of things. E.g. my dad visiting his parents. My mum wants him to have nothing to do with them because she doesn't like them. She also fell out with me and my sister when we went to visit our grandparents last Christmas.
(The reason she fell out with my dad's family is incredibly silly. It was almost 5 years ago).
My mum has had a few part time jobs here and there, started a college course, but she always packed them in after a few weeks. And her reason would always be the same. Because we didn't tidy up enough, and she couldn't cope with having all the housework to do when she came home each day. The house was never quiet enough for her to study. She felt that we were too young to be in after school clubs etc. Basically, always blaming us.
And now that we're all grown up, except my youngest brother who is a preteen, she seems to not know what to do with herself. All she's ever known is being a 'mum' and now she's at a loss.
Since I was about 10, I can remember encouraging her to go out and try and socialise to make friends. She has attempted this, but never sticks to it. As well as the jobs and studying, she has joined a gym, fitness classes, voluntary work etc, but she always makes some excuse, blaming my dad or my siblings and I as to why she needs to pack it in.
The latest was because my eldest brother relies on her for childcare 2 days a week, so this is why she couldn't go to a lunchtime sign language course. My brother assured her he could find alternative childcare, but she got huffy with him and said things like "Don't bother. Don't try and make me feel guilty. You're always moaning how expensive childcare is" etc etc.
When I got offered a full time job a few years ago, i told my mum i was planning on placing then 3yo dd with a childminder. My mum made me feel horrendous. She said that the cm would be a stranger, might not care for dd properly. She told me that she would watch dd for me instead.
So i took her up on her offer. After a week, my mum started moaning at me that it had been a tough day, dd was beginning to forget who I was, she - my mum - felt like she couldn't organise anything anymore because her life revolved around looking after my dd etc etc.
So I packed it in and thankfully found a part time job that i could do from home.
My mum states that parents shouldn't go out in the evening when they have young children. She always stayed in when we were little and is now only getting a social life. Unfortunately, she is my only available babysitter. Once a year, i try to have a night out on my birthday. I am filled with dread whenever i have to ask her to watch dd. She always says yes, but it's the looks and the tone of her voice that makes me feel guilty.
She constantly talks about my eldest brother and his fiancee behind their backs. "They go out at least three times a month (Sil's mum minds my nephews), and they both work full time. Those children won't know who their parents are."
Last night, I was supposed to have been going out for a friend's birthday. I hadn't expected to be able to go, but my mum assured me she would watch dd. So i got all dressed up and waited for my mum to show up. She didn't. I text her asking what was going on, and she replied that she had gone out to the pub instead. She deserves a social life etc etc.
I was shocked. My mum never goes to the pub! I called my dad. He told me that she'd stormed out last night because he had told her that he had a business meeting. he had invited her along when she voiced her annoyance with him for going out, but she said no. If he wanted her there, he would have asked right away etc. So she just stormed out wearing my sister's clothes. WTF!
She is forever criticising my dad. but he treats her like a queen. Always taking her away on surprise weekend breaks, taking her out to lunch, taking her on holidays, buying her new clothes and jewellery etc. And as he is self employed, he pretty much has other people running the business for him. So they get to spend a lot of time together as well.
But she still moans that he doesn't do enough for her. he doesn't take her out enough. She hates being stuck in every Sat night. She repeatedly says that she will just go to a bar and get other men to buy heer drinks since my dad doesn't bother (it would appear last night she followed this threat through for once).
She is always 'leaving' my dad. About 5 times in the last year. "He went to visit your gran again." "He went to the pub with his friend."
Each time i tell her how happy i am becaucase they are terrible together. I help her find a flat to view. I help her with relevent phone numbers for JSA etc. Then the next day they are back together.
So a few months ago she 'left' him again. This time I refused to care. I told heer I wouldn't be helping her because it's a waste of my time as she never follows it through. She was back with him that same night.
On my birthday last year, she sent me a text "Can me and your brother come and live with you?" I was having a meal with friends at my home, celebrating my birthday and i get hit with that. it made me feel like crap.
This year i am starting a full time uni course. My mum again offered to have dd as she doesn't want dd going to a breakfast and after school club. I said no chance. I can't risk her flaking out on me re childcare. I'd rather have something stable in place. She said 'fine, it's up to you.' But the looks and tone of voice again made me feel like crap. Every time i see her, she says to dd 'wouldn't you rather come to granny's instead of an after school club?'
I have tried telling her how she makes me feel. My sister has too. For my brothers, they seem to not notice her little passive agressive remarks.
But my mum just screams at me for talking to her like crap, she'll start crying then my dad will chime in with 'don't talk to my wife like that!' then my mum will start biotching about me to my siiblings. And they'll all fall out with me for upsetting dear old mum.
My ddused to go down there for dinner once a week (i would just ddrop her off as i can't bear being around my mum for that long) but i've recently stopped this. My mum and dad are fighting way too much. yesterday, i was taking sdd to a birthday party. I met my dad outside the venue. He was on his way back to his car after visiting a supermarket. he was calling my mum 'a crazy cow' to me (this was because they were fighting about the business meeting dinner). See, the thing is, even when they're arguing/feel out, he will still drive her places. Such as to the shops. They just won't talk to each other.
I don't want my dd around that atmosphere anymore. i told my mum that, and she fell out with me. She said that i was being horrible cutting dd off from her family etc.
I just don't know how to get through to heer. She is miserable. She has nothing to do during the day. but she won't make an effort to change this. She'll now only try things if my dad will.
The other day, she said to him "Oh i quite fancy this cross stitching class."
My dad said, "Very good. I can drive you there each week if you want to try it out?"
My mum flipped. "WAit, you aren't going to try it with me? You expect me to do it alone? You know what, don't fucking bother. I need to accept that I can't do things I want to, unless you want to do them as well."
WTF!!!
I am so sick of her making me feel guilty and responsible for her. I don't want to cut her out. I want her to change.