Confused about swinging/worried about sister

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I recently found out that my sister and her boyfriend of 9 months are swingers and am trying to make sense of it at the moment. I know it isn't anything to do with me but I can't fathom why anyone would do this and kind of need it explaining in words of one syllable.

They've been at it since they got together and I'm quite worried about my sis. She has a long history of destructive behaviour and I'm really concerned about the damage she could do to herself as I don't think her self esteem/respect is high. She seems quite compulsive in spending, drinking, lying and eating etc and never seems to stop before harm comes (is in shed loads of debt, constantly is being fired from jobs, gets so drunk she soils herself and too many examples to list which I always seem to be the one to pick up the pieces of ) and I worry that the swinging is just the sexual side of her lack of control.

Obviously she is an adult and can supposedly take care of herself, though it is apparent in other areas of her life that she can't, and I probably should leave well alone, but I'm worried it'll all come crashing down and we'll be left with her in an even more fragile emotional state.

Can anyone reassure me, or not? I can't see how swinging can come from a secure emotional place and really why anyone would want to do it, especially in a fledgling relationship - wouldn't it undermine all the trust you're supposed to build?

I just don't understand what she's up to and why.

^^ What quaffle said.

Why do you think she is like this?
overweight, unwashed and poo's herself if she gets too drunk I can't imagine swinging will go down too well, has her bf mentioned her soiling herself
is she a bit incontinent generally. Like has she has any babies, I remember nearly weeing the bed once after having my second
I'm surprised she has a bf, if she poo's herself all the time.
I feel awful saying that now though,
Why kind of intervention are you planning do you think? like a plan.

I feel terrible saying this, but your sister sounds horrendous. That's not to say I don't have a degree of sympathy. I'd suggest telling your sister that you're concerned about her behaviour and that you're there to support her should SHE recognise and decide that she needs to make changes. I'd personally stick to giving practical advice (but then that's just me).

Other than that, there's not really a great deal you can do. Try not to be too judgemental, but just ensure that she understands the consequences of her actions and that people might not always be therre to help/bail her out.

Unwashed and soils herself? Well I doubt she's involved in any half decent swinging club or group. They have quite strict rules and standards, especially around alcohol and cleanliness.

But I don't see that there's anything you can do for her. You can't control other people's behaviour, you can only minimise the impact you let it have on you.

My sister is like this when she is off her medication. She is bipolar. I am in no way saying that your sister is bipolar, as obviously I wouldn't have a clue. But for my sister, the challenge seems to be remaining on the meds. After she's been on the meds for awhile, she feels "normal" and starts getting lax. As soon as she's off the meds, she's out of control - social life, sex life, stealing (from my parents), etc. She takes horrendous risks.

When she has been on her meds, she is very clear - life off meds is no fun at all, but she can't control it.

It's a shame that they can't come up with meds that you inject in the arm much like the birth control that stay there for a year or two - so those with this type of problem cannot just stop their meds thinking they're better and then spiral out of control. It's so sad and so frustrating to watch.

I would say she probably has some mental issues, what adult would choose to behave herself.
As awful as this may make me sound. I'm wondering why any man would put up with that, what does he get out of the relationship?
does he have to attend to her when she has these incidents,
He either has terrible self esteem or maybe something else.

She is horrendous, or at least her behaviour is. I think though that as other people don't behave like this there is some hope she can get some help. She's not incontinent generally, it's just that she has had accidents when she's been hammered - she also falls down and hurts herself (there has to be considerable force when she falls) and requires treatment for said injuries - as in she gets out of control drunk and the rest of us have to pick up the pieces.

I don't doubt that this all stems from MH issues. The problem is, as many of you rightly say, until she accepts that it isn't right she won't seek the help she so desperately needs. My mother sent her for counselling once but it was much the same as the ADs - she did it for a bit, didn't work at it and then proclaimed herself to be better. She often tells us what she thinks we want to hear rather than the truth which makes me think she'd do the same with a counsellor.

It's so tough to watch and pick up the pieces. I always say I won't do it again but couldn't just leave her - particularly because of the upset/difficulty it would cause my parents. That said, maybe I should because I'm protecting them as much as I'm protecting her and they have more of a chance of pushing her into changing than I do.

As for the boyfriend - I think he gets to control her. I won't pretend to like him one bit, but he is honestly one of the dullest, most awful people I have met. DH usually gets along with everyone and even he can't stand him. His personal hygiene is also lacking, he doesn't work (and seemingly has little intention to), has a history of drug and alcohol abuse and is really not what one would call a catch, so I think that he's not out of her league iyswim - they're both a bit damaged/dreadful.

I would say control too op, even the most un-catch ever would without control issues either become a recluse or rely on prostitutes or whatever.

Maybe she needs to get away from him first,

It's very tough to watch. My sister is currently in jail, stemming from theft of over £50K from my parents' bank account. At least now she is getting her meds regularly.

Stop fussing about the swinging - it's irrelevant (apart from the fact that, as others have said, very few swinging clubs will be happy to have a couple of incontinent, unwashed drunks as regular guests). Your sister needs proper medical help, but unfortunately you cannot force her to seek it unless her behaviour actually involves breaking the law or she is acting in a way that makes her a danger to herself or other people.

But you do come across as a bit stiff-necked and judgemental. Why do you want to know about other people who enjoy swinging? Why do you feel the need to go on about it not being part of a healthy relationship (most swingers are a lot more mentally healthy than your poor sister sounds)?How do you think that's going to help your clearly very troubled sister?

Because, SGB, I was worried I was being judgmental and tarring is as her bad behaviour when in fact it's something that many people do in healthy relationships - I'm not going on about it, I'm trying to understand it as something functional rather than being judgmental about it. I hardly think I'm banging on about it. On this instance it's the behaviour that has brought her troubled lifestyle to the surface again, so I have been a little distracted by it.

I can't see it as being something I would do, so was trying to understand from others viewpoints - hardly being stiff-necked and judgmental, and it's barely been mentioned, aside from by others, since the start of the thread.

How do you think having a go at me for not understanding something is going to help me help my clearly very troubled sister?

You talk about picking up the pieces and 'helping' her... Out of debt, getting her out of trouble, mopping up her emotional crises, collecting her when she's so drunk she has injured herself or been incontinent, but you're not helping, you're enabling her.

There are no consequences to any of her dreadful behaviour because mum, dad and big sis always bail her out.

Perhaps it will take her waking up with a stinking hangover and a broken limb, somewhere that she doesn't know how she got there, covered in her own shit, to realise she needs proper professional help.

Until then I suggest you disengage.

^ yes,perhaps you hear a lot of people saying things like 'waking up in a puddle of my own vomit/shit made me realize'.

Now it sounds as though you are trying to claim that this unfortunate woman, who is morbidly obese and has a drink problem and massive debts, would be OK if she hadn't taken to swinging. She's clearly not OK at all and hasn't been for a long time - but it's not your fault qand not your responsibility.

There really isn't anything you can do to help her until she accepts she needs help. I can imagine that it's upsetting to see someone so out of control and unhappy, but it's probably best that you disengage.

That's not what I'm trying to say at all. What I was trying to say is that I don't understand it's appeal and am minded to think its part of her bad behaviour but wondered if I was being unfair. It's not something I can see as healthy but I wonder whether that's because the only person I know of doing it (emphasis on the knowing about) generally isn't healthy. I was trying to get some perspective on it, but you're right that its largely irrelevant, it's just the issue at the forefront this time.

whonicked you're spot on. I need to stop enabling and hope that this is the time I'm able to not get involved in the drama and leave her to clear up her own shit. It's hard not to wade right in though, as I'm a bit of a fixer/meddler. But it is the only way anything will change - and if it doesn't it has for me as I'm not dealing with it anymore.

I didn't get that impression from the OP , I got the point as its just another thing to add to the pile.

I would have thought that swinging would be a worrying sign in this particular context as she does not seem like a woman able to take care of herself or take normal sensible safety precautions. That isn't being judgmental in general, is it?