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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband of 3 years has had 3 year affair-devastated

27 replies

wishiwas18 · 25/08/2013 08:17

I'm new to mumsnet and wanted advice. I found out a few weeks ago that my dh has been having 3 year affair. He's left and moved in with her. Already!
I know I should be trying to come to terms with it but I'm heartbroken. We have teenagers who are coping quite well I think.The thing is we were in trouble and had talked about separating but I didn't know there was someone else. How do I get my head round this?
He seems to think because we'd discussed separation that "I need to move on". We were married over 20 years. I'm all over the place. One minute I feel quite strong and at others I'm a wreck.
Please help.

OP posts:
num3onway · 25/08/2013 08:18

How awful

I didn't want to read and run but don't have any advice except for try and be strong he clearly isn't worth your tears

Dearjackie · 25/08/2013 08:23

Didn't want to read and run either. You poor thing, I don't feel wise enough just now to offer much advice, but rest assured there will be plenty of help on here for you very soon. I know I have been helped tremendously xx

Ledkr · 25/08/2013 08:36

It's ok you will be fine.
My ex did exactly the same and I'm still here and very happy.
I'd say firstly get money and legal stuff sorted and possibly an sti check.
Emotionally you will go through stages of shock anger pity and sadness. Let this wash over you as it's all part if the process.
Try to stay well, eat, sleep and try to do some exercise, it really helps.
Try to surround yourself with good friends and make small plans for the future.
Try not to be alone too much.
Don't snoop on his FB pages or ask about him, cut yourself off from him for a bit if you can, no texts or conversations apart from about the kids/house etc.
Give yourself time to heal because every time you see him or hear about him you will feel worse.
Every day gets easier I promise.

Ledkr · 25/08/2013 08:39

My e expected me to "move on" too.
Our hurt and upset is very inconvenient for them so they just dismiss it the bastards.
You will get revenge one day when he realises you are getting on just fine by yourself. Which you will do.

MrsHoratioNelson · 25/08/2013 08:47

Shit. I am sorry to hear this.

Don't for a moment think that you are doing anything wrong by not moving on quick enough for his liking - your moving on helps him to assuage his guilt by convincing himself his affair was the right thing for all concerned because, clearly, you're not that bothered Hmm

Quite difficult to move on when you're the one least behind to pick up the pieces, I would imagine. You'll get loads of good advice and support here, stick around.

kalidanger · 25/08/2013 08:52

It doesn't seem unusual for people to leave then apparently turn into a different person. "what are you snivelling for? Get over, you wanted this, didn't you?" is presumably not what you would expect from a partner of 20 years Sad

Practically, do get onto a solicitor about divorce and finances. Don't be brushed off with assurances that you don't need to worry about that stuff. You're understandably vulnerable but it should help you feel in charge Smile

Original poster
wishiwas18 · 25/08/2013 09:05

Thanks everyone. But god of all the things I'd thought of I forgot about the sti thing! I have started the legal stuff and that has helped me feel a bit more empowered. I'm scared shitless about my financial future though.I
I always thought he was a good guy. Even when we discussed separation which was beyond awful, I asked if he'd met anyone else and he said no.
He's justified it all by saying he wanted to protect the kids until they were away at uni( our youngest has had mentak health issues). I feel as though it's been acceptable to just use me.
The other awful complication is thst OW is an old friend whose youngest was best friends with mine. He's now trying to get all the kids together in some sort of wierd step family thing.

OP posts:
somersethouse · 25/08/2013 09:06

Do you know anything about the OW? For example, did he meet her at work? Is she ridiculously young? Do you think the relationship could last when the reality of life together - the monotony - kicks in?

Many men do this and then come crawling back. Would you want him back now? Truly, I mean?

somersethouse · 25/08/2013 09:07

Sorry, posted too soon. I am really sorry OP, really sorry for your distress. As others have said, you must get to a lawyer asap.
Sending love Flowers

somersethouse · 25/08/2013 09:08

Oh God - just read she is an old friend - terrible. Sad

Original poster
wishiwas18 · 25/08/2013 09:22

He's told me that he wants to marry her.
It's as though he has no boundaries. Whenever we've had to meet( when he's picked up kids/stuff or to discuss matters) he always ends up telling me more than I can cope with. I think cos he's moved on and has had 3 years to sort out what he wants, he seems to think I should have too. He keeps saying "but we knew our marriage was in trouble" like that excuses all the lies and deceit.

OP posts:
num3onway · 25/08/2013 09:28

If that was how he felt three years ago he should have been honest

kalidanger · 25/08/2013 09:34

Remember you get to choose how much contact you have with him. The DC might want to see him but you do not have to, if you don't want to. There's no good reason for him having the opportunity to repeat that you should get over it.

That'll probably feel very strange to have no contact but this man is not your friend.

Thanks
somersethouse · 25/08/2013 09:35

So he has spent 3 years making up his mind on his certain scenario while you carried on blindly, trying to make it work, or at least not realising he had in his mind another option so he was probably behaving totally unreasonably and distancing himself from you the whole time.

You were fighting a losing battle and he is a shit.

somersethouse · 25/08/2013 09:37

Yes, no contact. It will be reassuring for him to see you - as of course in some way he will be missing you and to see you will make him feel better.

Well don't. Do not let him control you at all. That is the strongest thing you can do - assert yourself by not letting him get to you.

I guarantee he won't like it.

gettingeasiernow · 25/08/2013 09:38

I'm so sorry to hear this. Be very kind to yourself health wise, eating sleeping exercise etc. Read chumplady.com - it's quite refreshing and comforting to know you are not alone, your reactions are all normal and although there are big life changes afoot, the future will be brighter once you get through it all (but bunker down, it may take a while). Stay practical too wrt finances. Keep posting. Unfortunately many here understand the utter devastation you are feeling but at least there is someone around always to listen and you'll get great advice.

kalidanger · 25/08/2013 09:42

Yep yep! The habit you both have of chatting about life together.... Fuck that!

He sounds like the type to be utterly delusional
dare to give you a hard time about being mean to him Hmm I hope someone else has some strategies and phrases to counteract that?

kalidanger · 25/08/2013 09:42

And dare*

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 25/08/2013 09:59

Yeah, he's doing the classic re-writing of events to suit his outlook. The way he is trying to create a new sort of step family... All part of the re invention. he eases his conscience by doing this.

the Awful side effect is to turn into someone that you can no longer recognise. Your long time husband is now a stranger.

I completely agree with the cutting contact as these chats are doing nothing but hurt you and are helping him affirm his version of things in his own head.

Have you changed the locks? I do hope so, because he needs to understand the rules of your game now. This is not his home.

And I agree with keeping yourself healthy and allow/accept the emotions you will feel as being totally normal (anger/sadness/grief/strength/relief...all natural). Surround yourself with supportive friends and family who you can could on.

You are not alone, many of us have been through similar and this will get better Smile

kalidanger · 25/08/2013 10:19

OP Hope our responses don't seem too overwhelming Smile You don't have to have any contact with us either! Wink but I hope there's some useful thoughts here for you Thanks

LilyBossom · 25/08/2013 10:32

I agree with all of the above. Do not let him into your house - this is your sanctuary now and one is he is no longer part of.

You are no longer there for him to talk to, you are not his counsel or his friend, sadly you cannot trust him with anything now. There is no need for him to know anything about you whatsoever now. Your life and future is private and he has no right to know anything about it.

The man you thought was your best friend has vanished, he is no longer on your side. So sorry, this sounds so harsh and horrid, but this is my experience. You need to protect yourself and your future and cut him out of it totally. It is flipping grim, it is a very long, turbulent rollercoaster ride you are on. Look after yourself and reach out to friends for help and support. You will find the strength and you will be ok - I promise.

Original poster
wishiwas18 · 25/08/2013 10:46

I'm new to mn and have been reading other threads and you can't believe how all your comments are helping.
You're right. I need to distance myself. Like some saddo I still miss him and keep thinking he'll realise his mistake and want me back? Intellectually I don't want him but we'd been together 24 yrs and it's like half my life has turned out to be a waste of time.
I'm so glad I did this. It made me want to cry thinking complete strangers would bother to reply. I feel so bad sometimes. In a very dark place. Thanks all.

OP posts:
Ledkr · 25/08/2013 10:53

That all faded eventually. It really does.
I think you need to not see him for a bit. How fucking date he speak about his life with her to you.
Highly inappropriate and only done by an arse.
If you give yourself a break from knowing anything about them it will give you a chance to clear your mind of thinking about them all the time (cos you do don't you?)
Don't give this berk any opportunity to rub your nose on it just to make himself feel better.

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 25/08/2013 11:03

Hi there,

No, your life has not been a waste of time at all. If nothing else, you have created your wonderful children. And there will be good memories you can keep too...you are just in the process of re-organising them.

24 years is a long old time and I can see how it must feel like ripping a part of yourself out. But that man does not exist any more (Lily is right... It's harsh but true). Be kind to yourself, none of this is your fault.