Lack of intimacy is killing me

[Stumbelina]

DP and I have been together 7 years. We have one DD who is 4 and I am about to give birth to another girl any day. DP has always been an emotional cold fish but there was a very strong spark between us so I told myself it would work out. I am very warm, tactile and emotional so I thought it would keep us going. Yet even a few years into our relationship I felt drawn to a colleague and had an emotional affair. A huge red flag but I fell pregnant and decided to stay with DP and work on things.

In that time we moved to a new city, had DD and went through quite a period of uncertainty and change. I was angry and tired a lot and resented leaving my friends and my old life. After 4 years I felt like we resolved quite a lot and were in a better place than we had ever been. Things felt like they were going well and an unexpected pregnancy prompted us to move back closer to friends and family which I had always wanted.

DP has always worked far from home and is currently working 90 miles away for a company that really want their pound of flesh so he i tired a lot of the time. He is also diabetic so finds this quite hard but manages it well and tries to keep healthy. He works hard to provide for us and I really do appreciate that but there is a huge hole in our relationship that breaks my heart.

In all of this my problem is that we have no intimacy between us. In the 9 months I have been pregnant we have has sex twice (once at conception and once 5 months ago). I have asked him several times if there is a problem with me being pregnant (there wasn't in my last pregnancy) but he says not. So I am at a loss now. I am increasingly hurt by his rejection of me coupled with very little in the way of cuddles and general care like letting me have lie ins at the weekend. It feels like he is only happy when left alone to pursue his job, play on his computer and take our DD out for fun day trips.

I have started to wonder if I can deal with this for another 7 years or however long it takes our DD's to grow up. We have discussed this dynamic many times, had counselling, tried to change on both sides but it always slips back into the same pattern and I think it always will. We are just fundamentally different people and I am not sure how to make it work anymore.

I'm not sure what I am looking for people to say but I just needed to get that out. He is a good man and father to our daughter but I'm not sure I can cope with more years of physical and emotional rejection like this. I am not about to leave but I am sad that I have played out this scenario in my life (I am an adult child of an alcoholic) when I should have ended it before our childrem arrived. Can anyone else relate?

I can certainly relate to having picked the wrong man in the belief he would change and being bound to him by children. Presumably if it wasn't for your Dcs you'd have split by now. It's a very tough place to be.

Is dp happy in your relationship do you think?

I don't really know purplewithred. He is the kind of man that lives in his own world really so having a partner and kids is an added bonus especially if he isn't taxed by being too emotionally involved. Don't get me wrong, he has many fine qualities and there is love in the relationship but physical contact and intimacy are limited. I can see now that I have chosen someone like my father. A good provider but not really all that concerned with connection and my emotional well being. He is happy to let me get on with things like bringing up the children and is very supportive if I want time out to pursue interests but I often have to do these things alone or with the kids rather than as a couple or a family.

He can also be quite witholding when he feels angry with me and retreats into himself physically, sexually and emotionally which I find quite hard to handle as it feels quite punishing. I know I am very critical of him at times and perhaps cause the problems. As an example I asked him to come to bed with me and have sex as a way of bringing on labour but he just fell asleep on the sofa and when he came to bed he went straight to sleep while I sat there reading. I know he was tired and probably did just fall asleep but considering I am overdue and really needed some help I thought he might try. Our lack of intimacy makes me feel so humiliated I am finding it very hard to be sexual especially as I am so uncomfortable in general.

I think that you already know that life with this man is not really what you want. If I were you I would hold off on making any life changing decisions until you have had this baby, recovered emotionally and physically from birth and got through the needy newborn stage. Life is too short to spend with a man who is not your partner in crime in all aspects if life, but it is an easy trap to fall into. Take your time.

I'm in a similar position. Married to a man who rejects me physically and emotionally. We have 3 dc and have been married for almost 10 years. Our sex life is practically non-existent - though not for lack of trying on my part. I have pretty much given up on it. And I recently started an online emotional affair. It saddens me that it has come to this as I love him and he is otherwise a great father and provider. He just stubbornly refuses to meet my physical and emotional needs. I have cried and talked until I have no more words or tears. He won't go to counselling. We live in a foreign country and I am a stay at home mum. I feel trapped. The EA has revealed to me just how desperately lonely I am and I would much rather be developing intimacy with my husband, but have run out of ideas as to what to do anymore. I guess I've just given up. I work out regularly and take good care of myself - but I could walk around naked and not get a flicker of a reaction.

Whenever I look for advice, it is pretty much always the men who aren't getting their needs met....it makes me feel worse because it seems most other men want sex all the time, yet my husband couldn't give a toss - always too tired. He'd rather go to bed with a book than either spend time with me or make love. Sorry to hijack the thread, just glad to see I am actually not the only women going through this.

Stumb and Whodhave - I am in the same position. Years and years of rejection here, emotional and physical withdrawal, no hugs or effort made with me, a good dad to dds, fell asleep on the job when we were trying to trigger labour (!). I've recently taken off my wedding ring (this broke my heart). I've asked and asked for some warmth and didn't get it. I feel trapped too - largely been a SAHM for 10 years with casual, PT work now and then, so have lost my career. Am too old to retrain I think. For the past year, I've been involved with someone else. He makes me laugh and I remember, for a short time, what emotional intimacy is. I remember once posting about this on a forum where, perhaps understandably, there were those who sleighted me. There were others who understood the heartbreak of your dh withdrawing emotional and physical intimacy, year after year. It wears you down, affects how sense of your own worth and attractiveness. Every single day, I felt I was dying a little.

Just wanted to post and say that I, too, used to be in a sexless relationship and I think that unless you've been through it yourself it is hard to comprehend just how devastating it is.

I tried everything to get my ex-DP interested but he just wouldn't make love to me! I even convinced myself at one point that sex wasn't everything and I would simply just have to do without it because I wanted to be with him. It completely demolished my self-esteem and I felt very, very lonely - and desperately unattractive.

This is a long time ago (more than 10 years) and I am a different person now in terms of my attitude towards cheating and affairs, but in my attempt to seek reassurance and validation back then I turned to another man. Why I stayed with my ex DP so long I will never know - I guess I thought I was in love with him and couldn't live without him.

Eventually I made the break and moved far, far away from him. It was extremely painful and it took me two years to get over him.

Now I look back and wish I hadn't wasted so much time in what I can now see was an abusive relationship. He didn't love me, he just said he did and for whatever reason he needed me in his life - probably as a cover for the fact he was gay and couldn't face up to it.

OP, I really do feel for you. This happened to a friend of mine also, and to my sister. It's much more common that people think.

Than people think, I meant to say....

It's heartbreaking really. I married young, so I don't know any other life. I don't want any other life. And I don't want to hurt my husband or my children. But the only way to achieve all that is to put up with never knowing what it's like to feel wanted, desired or even needed beyond maid and nanny duties.....to put up with my own pain

I suppose I could have an 'out'...in a sense. That is, if I was prepared to upset my two young dd's lives, tell them they can't do their gymnastics, guitar lessons. Tell them they are to swop between parents. Also, I don't want my dh to live in a slummy hovel. I just don't - despite his neglect of me. That would be all we could afford if we separate. But oh, the painful sadness of it all. To desperately - just for a night - to lie in someone's arms (not even for the sex - just for the sheer emotional intimacy), that is what's so sad about it all

Just had a huge row with the husband this evening. About the same old. He says that I am too feisty and strong willed for him to feel like he wants to be close to me. Before the fight - and kind of what sparked it really - I was upset because I thought I had lost a watch that was a 30th birthday gift. I was feeling gutted so asked him for a hug. He basically told me no. He was impatient and annoyed with me for being upset and refused to hug me 'because it'll turn up anyway'. I just wanted him to pat my back and say I'd find it soon. He can't even give me those few crumbs. He has basically said we need an emotional break from each other for a while. I'm wondering what he thinks this has all been if not one huge emotional break. I told him fine. He can have his emotional break. I'm done begging for scraps.

Halfahundred it's exactly that. wanting to lie in someone's arms - someone who wants you there. I feel like I'll never know what that's like again.

Diabetes often equates to erectile problems

Erectile problems don't stop you putting your arm around someone, kissing you when they leave the house or telling you they love you.

One of my closest friends got divorced for precisely those reasons: lack of sex and intimacy. She's much happier now.

Anyone still around?

I guess I've just given up. I work out regularly and take good care of myself - but I could walk around naked and not get a flicker of a reaction

This was me too whod. F'ing sad .

How are you? Hope OPs ok after her birth.

I'm good. Things have improved somewhat... DH is being the model husband and we make love a little more frequently. But to be fair, we are both pretty knackered by the end of a day at the moment anyway. Ironically things are probably better because I laid off bringing it up, because of my EA....

I have been looking for answers, a signal, a freaking miracle and found this thread. it has not been active for a while, so I'm not sure if that means your stories have changed for the better or everyone got so fed up that you moved on and forgot about this venting space... is anyone still here, in the same situation please come back and talk to me, I need answers.

I've also come across your thread, this is pretty much my life also. Hubbys is grumpy, ignorant and shows as much affection as a dead rat. Curious to know how the above relationship worked out as I don't know how much more I can take.

8 year old ZOMBIE thread.