my life feels like its over

[joasia1]

Not sure where to start. I have been with my husband for 18 years and we have 4 children together. He has always been a selfish man and worked away from home during the week then spending time doing what he wanted at weekends rather than spending it with the children. In April this year I found out he had been having an affair with someone who is almost 17 years younger than me and him, he is 44. He admitted it which was a shock as I am sure he has cheated on me before but could never prove it. I literally fell apart, I threw him out and within a week he was back saying it was finished with her and that he wanted to be a family.
I actually found out that he was still seeing her until the middle of May, then it was over. Only to discover that she was still emailing, texting and phoning him constantly begging him not to leave her. She even wrote that she would put up with anything as long as he still say her.
I then discovered in the middle of June that he had started up his affair with her once again. But each time I questioned him he denied it. I have proof it is still going on but he won't admit it. What has happened in these last 3 months has been despicable and evil what he and her have put me through and its still not over. He started to work weekends and he hasn't been here for nearly 6 weeks but I know he is seeing her she is practically living with him in Wiltshire. I am up north with the children and therefore have no opportunity to catch him that's why it is so easy for them.
It makes me sick to think he is lying to me and our children that everything is fine whilst he is having a relationship with this slapper who knew from the beginning that he was married with 4 children and my youngest is disabled.
I only think he hasn't made the break because of the financial hardship it would cost him, its cheaper for him if we stay married and he almost doesn't endure any guilt.
I feel totally powerless as he parades round another city with his young girlfriend whilst I am trapped in a 2 bedroom house with very little money and all the responsibility. I am trying to sort things out but have no money to divorce him, he keeps getting payday loans in my name and will then give me money to pay the mortgage and the bills. But if I don't agree to the payday loans then he says he wont give me any money. I have applied for tax credits but have heard nothing. All the time he is taking that slapper out for meals and buying her stuff.
I feel so desperate and lonely, I do not have any close family nearby I have friends but I still feel so alone.

Horrible when you wake up early with your stomach churning. Wanted you to know you're not on your own. What a horrible, horrible man.

Poor you. I would go to a solicitor or CAB. You need to start divorce proceedings.

Thank you for listening, I suppose I am ranting to myself. But he has continued this farce rather than just leaving. He has done some awful things he has even factime ( on the ipad) our son whilst she has been whispering to you in the background so that our son has asked him who is that in the background. He has even phoned me whilst she has been doing sexual acts to him. It has been pure evil. I used to be a strong independent woman before I had my last child who is disabled I had a well paid job but 2 years ago I had to give it up to look after him because of how much time he spent in hospital. I now earn a pittance and feel completely trapped in this situation. I have been to the CAB but hey couldn't help me. I have started counselling but struggle to go as I have no one to look after the children. I wonder how I will cope, but the mad thing is I have been a single parent for most of our marriage. But no I have all the financial worries aswell, I know he won't provide we should have a house which is big enough for us but he has always spent his money on himself. I am having a particularly bad night, I wake up with images of them together laughing at me.

You need to start divorce proceedings. You have to be strong and refuse to sign any loan applications, cancel any rolling agreement with the lenders directly. Open your own bank account and keep child benefit etc separate.

Thus man is emotionally and financially abusing you. I suggest next time he returns to the family home he finds his bags on the doorstep.

How old are your children op? It is hard but you know you would be better off without him. You could get rented accommodation & benefits until you are in a position to sort something. I know it's hard but you need to get rid of a man who has no respect for you or your children.

Could women's aid give you any advice?

I know that I have been emotionally and financially abused for years and I should feel relieved but I just feel incredibly devastated. I suppose because I have suffered like this for years I think that it is normal. I know I have to get through this and I know what to do. But when I wake up in the middle of the night I just feel so desperate. I know all my children support me and me them, my oldest is now 15 she is a godsend but he has treated her awfully over the years he tells her he hates her and that he loves the others anyone would think he wasn't hers but they are all his. He has cheated on everyone he has ever been with. He has a daughter from before me who is now 20 she has a baby of her own and it is his christening today. We are going to it but he says he can't make it and I know this is because he is down there with her. I feel gutted for her, but she doesn't expect anything from him as he never gave her mother a penny. The sad thing is when we first met he had nothing he was living in a hostel and I had a well paid job, car etc. Now he has all those things and I have nothing apart from the responsibility of bringing up four children alone.

Enough is enough. You are miserable and feeling increasingly desperate. This is not acceptable in any way, for whatever reason. I completely understand how powerless you feel but I suspect your "rescue" is closer than you realise now. You absolutely CAN do something about this.

Start by making a list of practical things to be changed. Perhaps starting with getting your child benefit paid in to a new account in your name only? Don't tell him, just take little steps to regain your independence. Can you recruit a RL friend to be your "coach"? Once I'd decided to get out, I ended up enlisting 4 separate people to text, email etc to just gently keep nudging me along the path.

There's no rush to get to some sort of dramatic conclusion but PLEASE make yesterday the last day of your life where you allow yourself to feel so miserable without taking any steps to start moving towards something better.

Am thinking Women's Aid as well. He's not just cheating on you: he is emotionally and financially abusive, and he's using his relation to your children to get to you.

Ask Women's Aid to recommend a lawyer to you. As you say he is likely to make it difficult for you to get divorced. I don't know if this applies to divorce as well, but when there is domestic abuse involved you still have the right to legal aid. At least that would help with sorting out contact with the children. Get in touch with Women's Aid and take it from there. And in case you say "it's not that serious" --> yes, it is. He is very cruel to you and your children.

Hugs.

Payday loans that you haven't signed for is fraud? Please seek help from cab/women's refuge/friends/family

My children are 15, 13, 10 and my little boy is 8 but he has severe brittle bone. He has metal rods in his legs and he is sue to have them re-rodded later this year. He will be in hospital for a least a week and then in cast for 3 months. My mother is elderly 87 and my sister has just lost her husband at xmas so neither of them can help me with anything. In fact my sister's solution was to put my kids in care to give me a break and my mother says that I should give 2 of the children to him to look after. Both of these suggestions filled me with disgust, I would not put my children through anything more, they are already suffering. So you see I don't have any support. I have a very good friend and she listens but she has problems of her own.

Great advice from YvyB.

You are not alone. Don't go today, it's not your responsibility.

Well done for vocalising the problem - it helps start the ball rolling when you see it in black and white.

Hugs and strength to you

Thank you all of you for taking the time to reply. I know I need to stop feeling sorry for myself. I am trying to do things one day at a time and will take on board everything you have said. I will update you on how I get on and hopefully over the months you will see that I am in a better place.

You need to regain some power. What do you want to do? You don't need proof he is cheating to split up.

Hey! Stop feeling guilty, op! You don't owe us anything! The only person you owe anything whatsoever to is yourself and you can take whatever timescale you need. You've taken the first step already by posting on here.

To look after your children, esp your youngest, takes a MASSIVE amount of inner strength, so you know you've got that already once the time is right (sounds silly, but lots of people have to step off the cliff without knowing from experience that they can manage adversity and survive. You know you can.).

You are answerable to no-one. It's your life and the only person you have to be reconciled with is yourself. The rest of us will just be excitedly cheering you on as and when!

He calls me paranoid and mental and that it is all in my head. Even when he has come home with scratches on his back, her phone number on his phone the evidence is endless. I need to confront him face to face for him to know it is over I have told him 3 times that I want a divorce. He comes back maybe one day over every 2 weeks on the premise he is seeing the kids, but tries to convince me that nothing is going on with him and her. I don't listen anymore but he still says things to hurt me to get a reaction. If I could run away and not tell him where I was I would, because I would feel free of him then. He knows I have been to a solicitor, I have taken the key off him to our house. I have been taking small steps, but because I have only 400 a month and no other income to support me and children he thinks he can manipulate me. I applied for tax credits but still haven't heard anything. I feel if I knew I could be financially independent from him I would feel in a better place.

You could be financially independent if you formally separated. You would probably be eligible for housing benefit, 25% council tax reduction, council tax benefit and tax credits. He would also have to pay child support and the CSA can enforce this. But you need to make it formal that you are now on your own. Taking his key is a good step.

I understand the emotional need to "have it out" with him but you don't need to. You have enough to divorce on grounds of unreasonable behaviour. The proceedings can be seved on him at work if necessary.

I have been given a letter from the free half hour I got at the solicitors which I have to take to my GP to get signed which states that I have suffered and still suffering domestic abuse, she says then I will hopefully get legal aid to divorce him. However, at present I can't get the time of work and when I am not at work I have the children. I am trying to see if my friend can look after whilst I get an appointment but she is only just back from hols yesterday.
I know he will do everything in his power not to pay me maintenance so I will have to go through the CSA and see if they can take it direct from his wages. However, whilst that gets sorted out I am not sure how I survive with the 4 children on 400 a month.
He has already admitted to me he had an affair with her as she did, yes I spoke with her on the phone once when she told me that she loved him desperately and that they needed to be together. She has a screw loose as she doesn't know him, he told her initially that he only had 2 kids and that we lived in a big 4 bedroom detached house. I told her this was untrue but she obviously believes all his lies. He has not had an affair he is still having one. I am not sure he will admit to it, in a court of law so I may have to go down the unreasonable behaviour path.

Your DH is sick and no regard for his children's welfare. As others have said you are being incredibly courageous.

The sooner that the OW can have your DH full time the better

I am so sorry that you are going through this.

This is a good site to let you know what benefits you can get.

www.turn2us.org.uk/benefits_search.aspx#

Click on Start Benefits Calculator.

I used the site when my husband left. I am sure you will find that you have much more than £400 a month to survive on.

Hello joasia 1

Please could you check to see if your son is entitled to disability living allowance? There are different gradings for it but it sounds like you must be entitled to something there. Not only that but you should also get a carers allowance? It is worth checking up on.

Hugs to you sweetheart, you will get through this.