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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

some advice please

29 replies

ayalil · 25/08/2013 00:35

Hi everyone I have recently namechanged, if you do recognise me/know who it is please don't say!
Also please be gentle with me
I need some advice, am pg, 6 weeks. The dad is someone who I am not with and who is not a nice person at all.
I know that I could most definitely cope on my own but I have had it pointed out to me (rightly) that I will then have a link/tie to this horrible man forever.
I just want to know opinions/experiences as I am in two completely different minds about this and really struggling.

OP posts:
Original poster
ayalil · 25/08/2013 09:11

Bump

OP posts:
Hissy · 25/08/2013 09:32

I think you need to explain the circumstances of how you became pg a little more.

He's not come back anywhere near you, has he? What are thé police etc saying to you now.

What kind of advice do you want on this thread? Or do you just need support?

Hissy · 25/08/2013 09:33

I mean explain so that others can see what kind of situation are are in... and then they can understand how you may need help.

Original poster
ayalil · 25/08/2013 09:38

Sorry I was finding it hard to write it in a way that would make sense
It was a forced pregnancy, and he has been arrested
I just want to know opinions I think
Xx

OP posts:
WeGotTheKrunk · 25/08/2013 10:24

Are you trying to decide whether or not to go on with the pregnancy OP? (Apologies if I've got the wrong end of the stick).

If so, it sounds like a really tough decision. Ultimately one only you can make.

Have you got anyone you can talk to in RL? Talking to someone outside the situation (eg a Marie Stopes counsellor) might help you to make sense of it all. A good counsellor wouldn't push you one way or the other, just help you come to your own decision.

I'd suggest trying to get access to a counselling service (there might be a SARS service near you - phone counselling for survivors of rape & sexual violence) in the next few days. 6 weeks isn't that far along but you've obviously got a lot to contend with, and I think actually speaking to someone in RL would help.

Thanks
Original poster
ayalil · 25/08/2013 10:30

Hi, thank you for your reply
I am trying to decide.
I will try to find some counselling, I am seeing a SARC counsellor this week so will try to talk to them there.
I am just all over the place, I don't want to regret anything and haven't got the first clue about how I will feel afterwards either way,
Thank you for replying xxx

OP posts:
WeGotTheKrunk · 25/08/2013 10:36

It sounds like a really tough one. You've obviously got a lot to think about - and a big decision to make while you're under all that stress. I do feel for you.

Have you got something to do today, so you're not thinking about it all day? Could you spend time with friends or find something to keep you busy?

Original poster
ayalil · 25/08/2013 10:37

Not really I haven't got any proper friends I would want to go and see and I am waiting to hear from the hospital about my dad (he was admitted last night)
I will clean I think Smile

OP posts:
WeGotTheKrunk · 25/08/2013 10:43

Your Dad's in hospital too?! Blimey you have got a lot on your mind haven't you!

Good luck with your cleaning today, I'll be thinking of you. Thanks

Original poster
ayalil · 25/08/2013 10:47

Thank you lovely, yes I'm his carer so just waiting really xxx

OP posts:
paperlantern · 25/08/2013 11:11

in addition to the counselling can I recommend talking to a solicitor?

Maybe they can't do anything But if it's serious enough for an arrest I wonder if you can do something about preventing access before the baby is born. not that I.m suggesting you phrase it that way, just putting in place measures to ensure baby's wellbeing and that you know he'll never meet

Original poster
ayalil · 25/08/2013 11:13

paperlantern I'm not sure how I would do that?
I don't know if I really understand sorry I'm feeling very stupid x

OP posts:
Mojavewonderer · 25/08/2013 11:46

It's a decision only you can make and you most definitely need to speak to someone who can help you make the right choice for you. GP is your first port of call and they will be able to get you all the support you need.
Good luck and I wish you the best.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 25/08/2013 11:51

ayalil you are not stupid Smile

StupidMistakes · 25/08/2013 11:52

I don't know what to say but just sending you (((hugs))) be gentle with yourself and take your time. Also look at all possibilities. It's not necessarily a case of keep the baby n be their mum or abortion, you could chose to adopt it. That depends on how you feel about it. Whether that's something you might consider or not. (please no one else shoot me)

Original poster
ayalil · 25/08/2013 11:56

Thank you all for your replies, it means so much to know how supportive people are.
I know that ultimately only I can make this decision but I think I would like some opinions as in how other people have felt/might feel in this situation as I don't even know what to think let alone how I will feel iyswim.
It is true and I will be speaking to the SARC counsellor, I am jus feeling very isolated at the moment xx

OP posts:
paperlantern · 25/08/2013 12:01

get your free half hour with a solicitor now and explain your situation. a good solicitor will go through "what if this happens/o do this what will most likely happen.

there's what is case law surrounding abusive exs and restricting or limiting access. I don't know whether this applies to you.

I just think in your case this might be important information in making your decision

Original poster
ayalil · 25/08/2013 12:03

thank you paperlanterns that makes sense i think.
Will speak to the sarc people about finding a solicitor

OP posts:
paperlantern · 25/08/2013 12:05

for example for a drug dealing ex yoid be more than happy to promote supervised access if he submits to week drugs tests and they are clean.

I think nowadays it is hard to get a no contact order, but a lot of shit dads fall ne the wayside because they fail to complete court order conditions

Original poster
ayalil · 25/08/2013 12:07

I think he is going to have a long sentence, and so if I did have the baby he wouldn't necessarily know/be able to see the baby
But i don't want him around at all so could do that as a precaution?

OP posts:
paperlantern · 25/08/2013 12:14

please don't think that the decision is a selfish one either. I didn't know exh was a shit until after both of mine were born. if I'd known the emotional damage he causes my dd regularly through contact, well. I didn't have that information at the point when a decision was relevant. he has less access than he was originally awarded because he failed to comply with court ordered conditions.

not pushing any options but if you knew you could mitigate the contact your child has with ex it might make the decision easier.

paperlantern · 25/08/2013 12:14

yes definitely talk to a solicitor.

paperlantern · 25/08/2013 12:17

in fact even if you dont do anything legally now(ypu may well not bother or strengthen your case if you wait for the conviction), I think the information you gain will be important in helping you decide about

Original poster
ayalil · 25/08/2013 12:23

Yes thank you what you've said does make a lot of sense.
I hope your dc's are ok xxx

OP posts:
colafrosties · 25/08/2013 15:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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