How do you end it when things "aren't that bad?"

[SoThisIsHowYouNameChange]

I'm pretty miserable in my marriage. Husband is a nice man who loves me. I'm just not happy. I'm not attracted to him and not interested in him, generally. I wouldn't mind being roommates/friends with him, but that's not how it works, is it?

We have children and we're not rolling in money. In fact, money is a bit tight.

I feel really trapped. Like, I think of my life slipping away and how I can't escape and I want to scream. However, I don't see how I can ever leave. Sometimes I fantasize about him dying. Not that I wish any harm on him or anything like that. I just wish he'd be gone out of my life. I am sure that if he actually died, I'd feel terrible and would miss him and would ache for our children. So, I don't actually wish he'd die. I just sort of daydream about being free.

We can't afford to get divorced. And, I don't think I could look my inlaws in the eye. I rely on them quite a lot for child care (I work) and I feel guilty about not loving their son as I should.

Anyway, my point isn't to complain about my marriage. I already know that most people would advise me to leave. Either in terms of "life is too short to be unhappy" or "your poor husband deserves better than being married to someone who sort of wishes he'd die."

My point is: how do people end a marriage when they're very unhappy, don't really think they'll feel differently, but don't have a really acute situation like abuse that would make leaving abruptly make sense?

Oh Darling, I really feel for u.
Sometimes people outgrow their marriage, sometimes people just start to feel cosy in their marriage. It happens. No need to feel guilty. Does your husband feel the same?
How old r your children?

You might find that a lot of people wouldn't necessarily advise you to leave but would suggest that you stay and try to make things better. Life with children, work and financial stress is really really tough and maybe you are just completely worn out by the stress of it all. Trust me the grass is not greener on the other side. Is there any chance you could try to re-kindle the feelings you had for your DH? Obviously only you know if you want to try again. To answer your question about how to end a marriage you tell your husband you want a divorce, get a solicitor and sort out finances and access to DCs.

How did your love fade?

Did the passion gradually subside or was it never really there?

You either rekindle your love or leave. You leave because you will eventually make him unhappy too, and two unhappy parents is a lot worse than one.

You set yourself free and because he is good, nice man, you are doing right by him by not living a lie. I have been in the opposite situation where my partner didnt really love me but kept a pretence up. Ok there was another woman involved but he kept on telling me he loved me and we had a future when really he didnt feel that way. That hurt more than him being with this woman.

Don't deceive yourself or him, do the right thing for all of you. But do, remember once you go, you must not turn baxk or be bitter if he goes on to find lasting love and you remain unsettled.

Being married isn't all roses, and there are times, especially with working hours, finances and small children, you can sometimes lose sight of what created your family in the first place, your romance, your love for one another. It's so easy to turn onto mum and dad and lose sight of being a couple.

Is it possible for grandparents to have your children for a weekend so that you both spend time alone together? To sort out your feelings, to stay or to go.

Marriage is traditionally for better or for worse but your resentment will increase if you don't do something now.

Best wishes at making what is a very difficult choice. Xxx

It's really really hard to do. But it is possible. Is there anyone else involved? If not, read Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay by Mira Kirshenbaum to get an idea of what your radar is doing.

That sounds like the perfect book for me. I mean, based on the title.

There is nobody else involved. I sometimes think of cheating. I have had one-off sex a couple of times in the past, and felt really ashamed of myself. I can't imagine a full-blown affair.

I met someone at a music festival. It felt platonic/non-flirty at the time, but since then I've been sort of obsessed with him. I know this is just me trying to escape into fantasy.

I have no illusions of meeting someone else and being "rescued" from my situation.

There is a useful chapter at the back of that book about what you actually say. As you already know, I'm sure, you need to detach from any pursuing of this festival guy so you can see clearly what's going on in your home. It's the easy route that, to get some excitement and self-worth elsewhere. It will just be a waste of time and contribute to paralysis. You can do that in the future if you want if you leave.

Yes. The festival guy is now a source of anguish to me. At the time, it was very positive. We just hung out and drank beer and watched bands. I think coming back to my normal life made me more painfully aware of how unhappy I am and Festival Guy is some sort of connection to the carefree weekend.

It's a sad, weird thing. I don't have any friends where I live and I don't go out at all socially to make any. So, this festival was an amazing few days of meeting lovely people who share my interest in a particular genre/subculture. And this man and I just really hit it off. No "chemistry" really... just a sort of "Oh, you've heard of that obscure band, too??" Also, I used to write for an underground music magazine and he remembered my column. There was also this weird nostalgia thing at the festival where I saw a lot of bands that I'd seen when I was in my late teens. And one of the main acts was someone I used to know, many years ago and miles away. I'd left all of that scene behind and forgotten about it and something about this just opened up all the old memories. And then I met this really funny, friendly man who was sort of there, too.

I wish I could just be friends with him. If he lived in my town I suppose I could. Or maybe I'd screw it up by putting all my lonely, needy baggage on it.

The feelings regarding my marriage predated the festival, but the festival - and meeting this person - have made the dull ache a more acute pain for the moment.

I think you need to be aware that the experience you describe is warming and exciting but fleeting. It is extremely common in all relationships, even good ones. You are already sounding very wise in that you can see this and all the reasons behind it. But the emotional relevance you are pouring into it is actually a refuge and a bit damaging. You are feeling a profound link with something that makes you feel good about yourself and that strikes at an idea of who you used to be and you 'real self'. This could be anything or anyone, a new job offer, an old boyfriend, a loss of weight. If it was appropriate you would be able to address and refind all these parts of yourself in different ways. This one man is not even close to being the answer. You know that already from how you've framed it. What you're in danger of doing is heading down an easier path of obsessing and taking sustenance from something your DH is excluded from to support and encourage your emotional distance. I'm not saying I think your marriage is great or that you should even stay in it. But that's where you need to turn your attention and your emotional truth and energy right now. You are only distracting, not acting.

Yes, I think you got it exactly.

I have never felt passion for my husband. I married him because he's a good, steady man I could count on. I wanted to be married and have a family and I despaired of actually finding someone I could have a healthy but romantic/passionate relationship with. I'm not good at that sort of thing.

I just thought I should put that stuff behind me and focus on good things in life. But, the truth is, I'm not good at that, either.

I don't really think that I'll be happier if I leave in the sense of being able to find some sort of soul mate and living happily ever after. I just don't really like being married and I'm not at all interested in my husband as a person.

I feel very cold saying that.

My life has improved in the past few months now that my children are old enough that I've been able to get back to work. It was much, much worse.

SundaySimmons has said it better than I ever could.

If/Before you leave, make sure you will have no regrets. No result is going to be perfect, and there will be some very difficult times ahead. You will need at least to have an anchor of certainty that you have done the right thing for yourself.

OP... Just want to say, perhaps if only for this moment try and give the best of you to your DH. You are blaming him for your own unhappiness.

Having one of sex with other people was having an affair

this festival guy IS an emotional affair (defined by the energy you are spending thinking about him although - even by omission in your original post).

Would it be so wild to have DH involved in the gigs/music side of things, to be yourself in front of him - I suspect you 'changed' yourself to fit into this new perfect family/mum role.
And that was probably just cheating yourself in the long run.

So for the next 2 months, just be you. take them to concerts, take up writing for underground magazines whatever just be yourself.
Then if you discover that he is the drag you've labelled him as, then you have your answer.

People come up with such sweeping - 'i never really loved him' statements when actually it's more I don't love this person i am around x or y.

and are you leaving the DC too. where do they fit in this cool other life? will you look at them one day and say they are another reason you have missed out on life?

You do sound quite stuck and distraught, as if you feel hemmed in and without choices.

To say you feel really trapped, can't escape, want to scream, and can't see how you can ever leave suggest a much stronger undercurrent of emotion than falling out of love.

It also seems sad that you haven't made friends in your area, because it sounds as if you enjoy being around people, and have really missed this.

You sound starved of friendly attention to be honest ? platonic or otherwise. It's as if the festival has brought some part of you alive, or woken it up? So perhaps take time to look at what's going in your life, and what you feel needs to change.

Neither stifling everything nor throwing it all in are good options, so take your time, and get some support if you need it.

I didn't change anything for my husband. He's not interested in what I like/used to like or perhaps finds them a bit threatening in some way. I don't hide what music I like but there's no way I'd want to drag him to a gig. Not only would he not want to go, he would find my enthusiasm strange or embarrassing.

When I say that I never loved him passionately, I mean it. I was fully conscious of that when I married him. I just thought that such a thing was a stupid foundation for a marriage - since passion had only ever brought me grief - and that I could be happy and will myself to love him in a more general way. I have said in this thread that he's a good man, but he's also a pretty miserable person. Very pessimistic and lethargic. And, he lives far away, only coming home for the occasional weekend. I'd like more help with the household and children, but I don't miss his company.

I do wish I had friends where I lived. Like I said, when I met this man at the festival, I felt very keen to spend time with him but I didn't think of him in a sexual light. I just wanted to talk more to this person who "got" me. It's funny - I saw on his twitter feed that he tweeted around the time we first started talking that indicated he'd had a similar reaction. Like, "Wow... a woman just quoted such-and-such!" I don't think he's thinking of me as a possible sexual partner, although I don't think he'd have turned me down at the festival. It's just that I only started thinking about him in that way after coming home. I am not sure why. I guess I can't imagine any other basis for a relationship... or maybe I just want him to fill all the other empty spaces in me, too.

Another thing about my husband: he's very obese and getting bigger all the time. To the point where he's always outgrowing his clothes and it's hard for him to find things to fit in normal shops. I am very not attracted to him. He was big when we married, but now I can't stand it. And, there's a horrible dynamic when we do have sex. He sort of... pushes my buttons. I guess because he senses my feelings. I've told him that I can't have sex with him anymore, and I feel really awful about that. I know it must be terrible for him. I wish I could somehow fix that, but the thought of doing it again fills me with dread.

There's always this dynamic of him sulking and sort of passive-aggressively saying or doing little things and it makes it harder for me to be nice.

I second the recommendation to read the Mira Kirschenbaum book - it really helped me enormously.

Unfortunately, I do think that it is pretty near impossible to make something right that was never right. Many people recuperate marriages tired out by children and responsibilities, but where there is nothing to go back to that made it a real connection in the first place, I can't see it. Your DH must have some instinct for what you feel - which could easily be leading to his weight gain etc - at some level he must feel pretty crap.

I really feel for you by the way, because I have had to leave (pre kids) relationships where I felt like this, and where I had never felt right. The guilt is crippling, and it is horribly confusing, and a horrible thing to feel responsible for. But until I got together with my OH I never knew how you were supposed to feel - I think it is easy to get to the point where you sort of don't understand what it is appropriate to compromise on.

OP.. now this does make more sense. It's near impossible when your first post seemed to say - he's perfect but he's just not exciting enough - hence all the advise in the numerous responses.

This is a wholly different situation...

To surmise

Against column

1. he is not a wonderful partner
2. he can't relate to anything you enjoy and would belittle it
3. he lives away from home (what is that about) and only gives you the odd weekend
4. he is not attentive
5. he manipulates sex to get a kick out of it
6. he is little to no help with the DC

and i'm sure you could add more

For column

1. His family help with the children

When you put it like that... what are you actually getting from this relationship other than child care.

time to have an honest and frank conversation. I believe every one deserves to at least be told what is wrong and then having done this gauge his response then make a decision as to what you want to happen and what he wants and if the two are far apart then live separate lives.

Good luck

I doubt you'll get past the "stinky" question in the Kirschenbaum book.

Definitely worth a read for you I think OP.

I really don't like the sound of the horrible dynamic when we do have sex. He sort of... pushes my buttons ...

and sulking and sort of passive-aggressively saying or doing little things

doesn't sound good to me, either. So while you described him as nice, these behaviours don't sound pleasant to deal with.

You're also in an unusual situation in that he doesn't live with you. OK, that is expected in certain types of work. But it means you're bearing a larger role in child/household care, and you're missing adult company, except at work, if I've understood correctly.

If he finds your interests strange and casts a dampener when he does see you, there isn't much left there to enhance your life.

I work alone, self employed. I may be able to go to things when school starts. And, he may be back home with us very soon. His job is up in the air. I'm torn between wanting him home and sort of dreading it.

I don't think we can afford to separate, financially. I don't earn enough to support a household, although I can maybe improve that somewhat. But, the chances are very good that he'll be losing his job in the next couple of weeks. No fault of his own.

Even if money weren't an issue, telling him that I want to leave would be horrible. And facing his parents... They're the only family I have in this country.

Personally I don't think the conversation you are about to have is
"honey i want to leave" talk

I think it's a matter of addressing the issues you have highlighted first, then seeing if he sees your perspective or not.

once this is established the "in that case - I'm leaving" conversation can naturally begin. best way to say it is: "How best do you believe we can solve this."

he may surprise you and agree in many ways.

That's an excellent point. Something for me to mull over. Thank you.