DH says he cannot cope with my negativity

[ChangeyChangerson]

Regular NC'er here.

He says I am never positive, i never have a good word to say about anyone or anything.

We have three children, the eldest is 5. We have a huge business project on the go at the moment which is placing a lot of pressure on us both. We have been rowing a lot the last few days. I feel he takes everything I say as criticism and he says as much, but I feel a lot of that is how he feels about himself at the moment, i dont want to go into too much detail incase I out myself but the work project is enormous (both self employed) and money is tight because we are putting everything into starting another branch of our existing business.

The children are hard work, the eldest is full of attitude and whinges constantly, the youngest are twins who are two and he feels he has to act like a baby to get attention, despite always getting his fair share of individual attention, he is a very high maintenance child and needs constant stimulation, he cannot play alone for a second, therefore if I am ever doing anything else he plays up, whinges, or does something naughty to get my attention. Unfortunately I am not very good at ignoring the behaviour, meaning he gets exactly what he wants, which is attention, albeit negative.
I probably am a bit overwhelmed, it is hard to take all three anywhere that isnt soft play, for example, somewhere they are all fenced in, the younger two are runners, and they egg each other on, they just run off in all directions so it is horrifically stressful keeping a check on them all.
We have had a massive row this evening over a meal i am cooking for PIL's tomorrow night (I asked for his advice over what I should make, FIL has allergies and MIL and DH have sensitive stomachs) it has escalated into he cannot live with me and my negativity. DS1 and I went food shopping before and he was misbehaving, I came back upset saying I feel like I am doing a really crap job bringing our children up, I am not doing enough with them, because I cannot deal with all three and their different needs (outside the house) and he has just thrown back perhaps DS1 is so whingey and negative because he learns from me! Talk about kicking me when i am down!

I dont know what I am asking, I suppose I just wanted to get it out :(

^^wow, reading back, that is pretty negative :)

Oh dear, it all sounds really really tough!

Would you say your dh is a generally a more positive and upbeat person than you?

I always found my mum very negative, what worked for us was we had half an hour a day where we just hung out and didn't worry about anything else. This way we knew that if we had anything important to say we would definitely have the opportunity to. This stopped me from continually moaning at my mum.

Regarding taking your children out, how do your twins behave with reins?

That sounds like tough going, I had a very stressful outing today with one two year old runner so I can only imagine how much you it is to manage three.

With regard to you being negative, I can't say whether you are or not but it certainly sounds like you have enough on your plate to deserve a bit of a whinge to your oh at times.

I'd give yourself a break to be honest, sounds like you have enough to be coping with without having to be an endlessly cheerful stepford wife on top of everything else!

Thanks all, mintyy i think he is quite a negative person, although he would deny that, his Dad is very cynical and i think that is probably a better word for DH tbh than negative, we have always joked that we are a great couple because i live with me head in the clouds and he is very serious.

xalyyss we have those little life back packs and proper reins and as soon as they know you have hold of them they drop to the floor screaming :(

skippy that was my thought, i have had a horrid week with DS1's behaviour and I am tired (its also that time of the month!) and I dont feel i can talk to DH, i feel like instead of just listening and cuddling me, he wants to provide a solution to the problem, he starts pointing out what the problem is and how I should be dealing with it... Which pisses me off!

When they are all in great moods they are just the most beautiful little people, they laugh til their heads nearly fall off! But it is so rare the last few weeks that all of them are in a good mood at the same time!

The twins can't really talk much so cry a lot out of frustration dont we all
Its the first time ever he has said anything like this, it has hit me hard, perhaps I am completely negative but I dont know how not to be at the moment, I am not really enjoying my childrens company because we either stay at home, where I know they are safe and we all get bored and cranky, or we go out and I chase myself ragged!

Eurgh, i need an early night but DH and I are sat in different rooms and I hate going to bed on an argument, I just haven't got the energy for an all night scrutiny of my state of mind and his expectations... :(

without wishing to hurt you or make you paranoid, are you sure you're getting the full picture here? Sometimes criticism of who we are and what we do that's so all-encompassing can be a psychological tactic to explain and justify a hidden betrayal of some other kind going on (not just adultery, could be financial or familial).

Is the 'breakdown' after the food shop a common thing? If it is, then you might be too negative. If it's more a last straw thing, I'd chalk it up to being stressed.

Don't get me wrong, the arguments seem to fit with your general stress and overwhelmed situation, but it would be great if you could support each other rather than feel attacked. Honestly, would other people describe you this way? How fair do you think it is? I wouldn't have brought up betrayal except for your quote of him saying, 'can't live with you or your negativity'. That's a pretty big, scary thing to say and sounds like it's trying to demonise you or lay blame at your door for potentially big rejection on his part.

Tessa one thing That does always come up is his mother. He has a very close relationship with her and they have always spoken at least once a day, I do find this extremely odd, I speak to my Mum once a week and we are also extremely close, I just wouldnt have anything to say to her everyday! However, I dont have a problem with it.

His mum has done and said a few things over the years which have caused problems but we get on very well and have a good relationship. My only objection is how much she wants to know about our lives, she knows every last detail (apart from personal relationship things, more the mundane what we have done today and what we are doing every day type thing)

The problem is he always jumps to her defense, this is why we have fallen out tonight, I asked for advice about what to make because I know both MIL and DH have sensitive stomachs, i asked if the meal I was thinking of making would be ok as I know MIL has a weird stomach. The word weird has been taken as a criticism and I am so bloody negative... Apparently!
I absolutely wasnt calling her weird, I was asking for advice!
Oh god, I am ranting now! Sorry!

Sue I think it was the last straw tbh, i have just had a testing couple of days with DS1 and I was frustrated because I dont feel i am dealing with him in the right way.

I'm not sure tessa, i really dont know if people would describe me as that, i really only know of one person I could trust to tell me the truth, I may ask her!

He sounds like a dick...

Sorry I couldn't be more constructive!

nitrox!

Good idea to ask her, and ask her to be honest. I find that relationship with his mother odd too, for what it's worth. Wonder how much of an impact it's had on your relationship and his view of women generally. Clearly there's a trigger there and your perceived criticism of her has sparked something that is ever-present as a stress. It sounds like your lives are a bit full and hectic and you are overloaded. How do you de-stress?

Yes I agree tessa, i think it is a source of tension, i often hear her words come out of his mouth, I know a lot of it is he is her son, so obviously has her way with words and mannerisms etc, but i often think 'i wonder if you have spoken to her about this first'
I don't really de-stress, i have put on well over a stone since stopping bf 12 months ago and am feeling a little insecure about that but I cannot motivate myself to do anything about it, which makes me think perhaps he is right to some extent. I wish i could run or cycle or something, but I just dont enjoy it. I do enjoy yoga, but i like to do it on my wiifit and i always have three 'helpers'
I think I may look into a yoga class locally, i think that would be a good start.
I am off to bed now, thank you all for your advice. I will check back in the morning :)

How does he cope with your DCs? Does he handle them better, or is that "your job"? Does he pull his weight with them and with running the house?

I think that you need to give yourself a break! Bringing up little ones is such hard work and you sound exasperated which is making you feel negative.

I am struggling with my 3 DC (5, 2 and months) too and hating staying in with them and hating going out. It's easy to get bogged down with it all and become negative but I just think you have to remember that tomorrow is another day and start all over again.

The end of the summer holidays is nearly upon us (where did 5 wks go?) and at least our older ones will be out of our hair which will make it easier. My DC1 always behaves better at home when she's at school so I'm looking forward to the lovely fresh start of September.

I think your DH will have made the negative comment without even thinking it through and has probably forgotten about it while you're dwelling on it. Don't be too hard on yourself!

Hello OP

I was wondering if your DH is an only child?

Regarding your MIL and her stomach, perhaps in future you could speak to her direct about menus and leave your DH out of that loop?

Or perhaps he could cook! We cook for own relatives if that makes sense? The other will help, but the one whose family
is involved has the responsibility.

How do you eat an elephant? - one bite at a time.

Untangle this problem and fix what you can fix, one step at a time.

1. children. What is it about their whining that grates you so? Why do you give in (and reward it)? What makes you feel guilty and afraid?

If you change your thinking to a problem, the problem can change. So if they start whining, whining is not an expression of deep emotional pain, nor does it show they are neglected. Whining is a tone of voice and you can choose to understand that it is a way of getting you to respond. And then calmly ignore it

Secondly: if he starts escalating the behaviour to get your attention, warn him very calmly, looking clearly in his eye, that if he does it he will be put in his room.

Then, put him in his room and the whole Nanny Frost thing. Simples.

Although, tbh it sounds like you have too much on your plate. How can you work and look after 3 children??? I couldn't. How about employing 2 teenagers 15 or so to take them for an hour or three?

1. shopping with children. The absolute best advice I can give is to always have a list so you stay in control.

Then what you do is tell S5 that you want him to help you. In the vegetable section: 'I want you to go and get me one big red apple'. Who cares whether you want it or not. Thank him hugely, and then send him on the next task. 'Two carrots'. Whilst he is doing that you can get all you fruit and veg. Keep asking him to get stuff, making sure he can reach it, and stuff you need, and PRAISE HIM. They do actually get quite handy at it, it is a cognitive exercise for him at the same time, and it takes ALL the sweat out of shopping.

good luck with the project...

I think you need some help either with the business or with the children and home.

Could you employ a student or au pair for a few hours each week, to help with either or both, eg by doing online shopping, making calls to your suppliers, running business errands, cooking family suppers to reheat when you need them,entertaining the children at key times etc
When I had a lot of littlies at home, I used to take a neighbours teenage out with me to help, I used to pay pocket money rates for this kind of help since she was not in sole charge, just an extra pair of eyes and hands to control the hordes.

Are your children playing up more to get attention because you are both focusing on your business?

Bproud has some good suggestions, because it sounds to me like you're trying to be all things to all men and it's falling apart a bit.

(Why are you cooking tomorrow with all this other stuff on your plate?)

Not much help but I'm not surprised that you sometimes feel negative. I have two children of similar ages to yours, my oldest has a lot of attitude at the moment and
my youngest is a runner/hard work, and I currently struggle taking them anywhere and get home feeling exhausted and fed up. That's just with two and you have three, so please don't feel that you're doing a crap job, I'm sure that you're not doing any worse and probably better than others in a similar situation!

OP - ONLINE FOOD SHOPPING! Solves it for me! Do it regularly on a Sunday night or something. Try and get into the habit and it will save you major hassle/tantrums at the checkout aisle.

Then if you need to get the odd milk/fruit/ bread, you can put in practise the discplining etc but without the pressure of having to do a major food shop.

Secondly, can you get some practical help? Like a babysitter? Just to give you a couple of hours a week to yourself so that you can have a rest/go to gym/ take a bath!

DON'T be making dinner for your inlaws. Now is not the time, you are not being selfish. Try asking your inlaws to look after all 3 (to ALLOW you to make dinner - if they think it is unreasonable!!) If you do want to host a dinner, ask them to bring or even pay a contribution (like a takeaway/ fishn chips night/ anything to make it easier for you. You'll feel more relaxed and you'll be damn more better company too!

Lastly, think about rephrasing your comments i.e. rather than 'I want you to take the bins out to 'Would you mind....'. Try not to begin with I want / I think I I I.....and always ask your DH's opinion on what he thinks could be done to improve for next time. Say you really value his opinion and that you want to work things out.

Don't even think you can do it all and be a bit stronger in delegating (followed by reasons why). You'll feel a lot better for it and your attitude will be a lot more positive. If that doesn't work, seriously think about a professional/neutral mediator. It's times like NOW you both need to act before it's too late (counselling because of seperation). View it like an MOT on your relationship ;)

Good luck OP. x