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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Creating and curing an alcoholic.

24 replies

Imnew · 24/08/2013 20:09

This is really sad but.....

I had an arranged marriage with an abusive alcoholic, life was awful had 2 dc and I left. For years he has been battling with alcohol and I never believed he would stop. By years I mean 10 constant years of alcohol abuse, trouble with police, driving bans, fights, domestic violence. Now ex has found a woman online from abroad and she's moved in with him and he's actually stopped drinking altogether.

How has she managed to do this to him?

I feel I have failed the marriage and our dc, he said straight out to me I always drank because of you! And my ex mil said to me this new woman is an angel to them because she has saved his life and I never managed to stop him drinking. Such a kick in the teeth.

Do alcoholics really stop so easily? He has refrained for about 4 months so far. Which is unheard of for him.

OP posts:

EllaFitzgerald · 24/08/2013 20:12

She hasn't cured him at all. He's just on his best behaviour. He will go back to his old ways and probably sooner rather than later.

Bowlersarm · 24/08/2013 20:14

Maybe it's maturity? He has just got to a time in his life when he's said "enough is enough", and it may be irrelevant whether it is with you in his life, or not.

HopeClearwater · 24/08/2013 20:16

What Ella Fitzgerald said. Do not blame yourself. Well done on leaving that situation with your dc. Ignore the ex-MIL. Yes it will feel like a kick in the teeth. But it is not you. It never was.

Original poster

Imnew · 24/08/2013 20:21

Thanks for the messages, I feel a bit sad that I'm the one who is alone and he's got the house, new partner etc.

I've got the kids though!

OP posts:

EllaFitzgerald · 24/08/2013 20:26

He's in a relationship because he's behaving himself, and he's got the house at the moment, but will he manage to keep it when he's on his own, drinking too much to be able to work and he hasn't got you picking up the pieces for him anymore?

Think of this as an opportunity. You've got your children and you've got a fresh start away from him.

Original poster

Imnew · 24/08/2013 20:38

I'm thinking really nasty thoughts at the moment for him.

I'm positive about my future and the kids but I guess I don't want the blame.

OP posts:

appletarts · 24/08/2013 20:53

Oh he'll beat her up and get pissed don't you worry about it. Poor woman. Keep getting on with your life and let him keep ruining his.

appletarts · 24/08/2013 20:55

Oh and btw, mil has to blame you otherwise she has to blame herself and with denial being the biggest love of all alcoholics she can't do that. Oh and go and get half that house.

Original poster

Imnew · 24/08/2013 21:00

I'm sure eventually he will begin drinking again. And I know it's not my fault too but it's hard. Everyone thinking oh maybe it was her because he's happy with new gf. Mil has always given me a hard time not even bothered about her.

OP posts:

coffeeinbed · 24/08/2013 21:04

It's nothing to do with you, it's nothing to do with her.
An alcoholic will stop when they are ready.
You are unreasonable to take it personally.
Let it go.

Walkacrossthesand · 24/08/2013 21:07

Besides, didn't you say the marriage was arranged? So it's not as if you 'got your hooks into him' and did him harm - rather, you should be the one that's annoyed with these ex PILs for contributing such a bad husband to the marriage arrangement!

Original poster

Imnew · 24/08/2013 21:11

Thanks walkacross. In our culture it is very common for people to get their sons married in order to sort them out. They think once marriage and responsibilities crop up then these men will change. But that rarely happens.

OP posts:

appletarts · 24/08/2013 21:14

Look up codependency

Original poster

Imnew · 24/08/2013 21:18

I'm not sure what you mean appletarts.
Are you saying as a wife I probably contributed to the drinking problem?

OP posts:

Walkacrossthesand · 24/08/2013 21:37

Ah, Imnew, I see - you were supposed to put him on the straight and narrow, but it took 10 years, 2DCs and being booted out by his long-suffering wife to do that. My sympathies lie with you - it must have been a tough 10 years, and particularly galling now to see another woman 'enjoying' (perhaps) the alcohol-free partner that you would have so loved to have. Not your fault, though - as someone said up thread, an alcoholic stops drinking when they are ready, and no-one outside can make that time happen. I hope for his sake he stays off the booze, but if he does it won't be because his new woman is wonderful - just because he's dealt with/outgrown his addiction. You hold your head high, gal!

RockinD · 25/08/2013 14:01

I know how you feel. I went through ten years of hell with my XP - as you say, abuse, violence, trouble with the police, interaction with psychiatric services and never following it through. I did everything I could (co-dependent) to help him stop drinking and nothing worked.

Sixteen years on, he appears to have stopped. He is now seven weeks sober, the longest I have ever known him go without a drink in 27 years. I look at our children and I wonder why he could not have done this earlier, so that we could be a family, and it hurts me.

However, the other side of me is not convinced he can keep this up. If it is his time then great - he may yet salvage something from his life (he's 60 now). It was not his time when he was with me. Simple as that. I have to let it go.

Be glad that your XH is sober. If he can stay that way he may be a better father but, as others have said, it may not yet be his time. Only time will tell.

Mintyy · 25/08/2013 14:06

I am so sorry you feel this way op!

You were in no way whatsoever to blame for his alcoholism. Really.

I hope your ex has sorted himself out and that he now stays sober forever, but if he does it will be down to him and him alone.

Your mother in law is just ignorant, unfortunately.

Be happy that you have the children, that you don't need to be in a relationship with him any more and ... let it go!

calmingtea · 25/08/2013 16:58

You did not cause his drinking and you could not have cured it. The only person that can stop an alcoholic drinking is themselves. Great if he has stopped, but... imo it is not ever that easy and it is very easy for cross addiction (so replacing drinking with perhaps something else). Just ignore your exMIL, she is being ridiculous and be relieved that you are not around to watch his life implode if and when it does. And anyway, you says he has stopped? Alcoholics are very good at hiding it, and can go without for periods of time if they are motivated. Just not worth worrying about.

Original poster

Imnew · 27/08/2013 10:04

Thanks..

Although I do know deep down I'm not to blame its hard to see that he has 'stopped' for another woman. My focus is now on getting on with life and my DC.

OP posts:

Nellymay · 27/08/2013 10:15

i met and fell in love with a man who had a serious alcohol problem and had moderated his drinking when i met him - i subsequently found out he'd been in hospital and because of his drinking and was on a reduction programme -i thought, great he's `"over" his drinking - BUT it wasn't long into our relation ship til it came back with a vengeance. What i'm saying is that it doesn't go away and its nobody's fault but his.
I (stupidly) went onto marry him and it eventually killed him - even though his cancer was directly related to alcohol and smoking - he carried on drinking.
You may not think it now - but it will come back! you're well out of it!!

Lweji · 27/08/2013 10:37

It is possible that he felt miserable with an arranged marriage. If that is the case it's not your fault, but his for agreeing to it and/or his parents for forcing him.

He's now probably living on the adrenaline and endomorphines of being in love.

It's likely that they will wear out and he'll be back.

Or she has made it very clear that she won't tolerate it and leave.

It's possible to recover, but he has to want it. It's just apparent that he didn't want to before, but he may well go back if the grass turns out not to be so green.

I bet he was already abusing before meeting you.

JustinBsMum · 27/08/2013 11:20

What you don't get on these threads is reformed alcis explaining that they did it because of this or that and now they have sorted themselves/ realised their failings/ turned over a new leaf or whatever they will never drink again - because in the end I don't think they know why they are on a self-destruct path of drinking themselves to death.

So, he might have stopped drinking, he probably hasn't. It's not your problem, OP.

Original poster

Imnew · 27/08/2013 20:52

Thanks nellymay, I am so upset with him today for other reasons concerning our children and can't help wishing life teaches him a lesson or two being very cocky and patronising to me and just a plain b***d.
My ex has too been on reduction programme and been in rehab twice at the priory. He has also been prescribed a drug to help him control the drinking and offered counselling through NHs and beenaa too, nothing worked whilst with me.

Lweji, we were both happy with the arrangement, well as happy as you can be without really spending any time with a person. We used to meet for lunch or a trip to cinema every few weeks after being introduced, then straight marriage. I don't think he was unhappy with the marriage but more that he was already abusing alcohol and had lost all his friends due to it and had no respect from any family members, he was kind of the family joke. I do believe we were a bad match though in hindsight.

Justinbsmum, I know it's not my problem anymore but sometimes on a low day it gets to me and I feel like I've failed my children, most of the time I dont feel like that though.

OP posts:

TartinaTiara · 27/08/2013 22:59

OP, you didn't turn him into an alcoholic. The OW hasn't stopped him from being an alcoholic. He could only stop drinking when he decided to and, sad to say, that's often when the drinking starts to affect something that matters to the drinker. That might have happened, it might not, but in either case, it's his failing, not yours.

It's very hard, I know, but you have to move on and to accept that he's no longer your concern. It's painful to see him acting like a reasonable human being, and knowing that neither you nor your children get the benefit of that. It's galling to see him acting like the good guy, getting all the credit for giving up drinking, and being able to draw a line under his old life whilst you deal with the fallout from his previous behaviour.

You've been let down very badly by him and by his family, but you can come out of this. You can start to have a new life without him, and it'll be a better life for you and for your children. It'll be a bit shit for a while, but it will get better. I know you can do this, because you've coped with being married for ten years to an abusive drunk. From experience, I can tell you that nothing in your life from now on will be as hard as that. You've done your time, now enjoy your freedom.

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