Sorry to post...but I'm just not sure how to get through today (possible triggers)

[LollyPop87]

I'm sorry to post - I'm sure their are people in worse situations, but I just need some help and advice.

I've posted before about my exP being emotionally and sexually abusive. I am with a wonderful partner now, and things are great.

But I suffer from flashbacks, anxiety, and self-esteem issues as a result. I am on the waiting list of counselling (should be about a month from now) and am getting weekly support meetings whilst I wait, which are helpful, but also bring everything to the forefront of my mind.

I've been doing ok, and have felt really happy and pleased. But two nights ok, I had a nightmare about the sexual abuse. This has happened before.

Its just made me feel anxious and sick. I know it was only a dream, but the emotions from it feel very real.

Yesterday I felt quite anxious, but was able to get on with my day.

Today, my stomach is in knots, I just want to go back to bed and hide. I keep thinking about the nightmare I had, and running it over in my head. I can't seem to stop myself.

I have to pull myself together. I have important things to do. I have visitors later (I'm being really vague so that I'm not outed, but it's not in any way something that could be cancelled, nor would I want to).

I have about an hour to pull myself together and put on a happy front, but need to do some important things for work in the meantime (I'm not at work atm, it's some work that I do from home.

I will tell my dp, which will help, but I won't be able to speak to him alone till tonight.

What can I do to put on a happy front till tonight whilst I feel like this?

Thank you so much if you'd read all of this.

There* Sorry, my heads not quite with it today.

I hope someone with sense comes along soon, but in the meantime I'm here to hold your hand.

I find it helps when I'm anxious and bed to do things it helps to write a short realistic list of what I will do and then just do them. The anxiety often evaporates whilst I'm mindlessly doing the tasks.

It will pass.

Thank you so much for the hand holding and advice.

I feel like I just cannot focus on anything. My mind is just full of thoughts and images and I don't know how to get rid of them.

I wish I could just move on from it all. I have tried so hard to. I used to try just ignoring it, but that didn't work, it just made it worse as it meant I was stopping myself from seeking help and talking to anyone about it.

There's been a two week gap between my last support appointment and the one I've got soon, I'm not sure if that's why I'm struggling at the moment. I do find the appointments help so much, because the give me the chance to just talk and get it all off my chest.

Sorry to go on. It helps to write it all down like I'm doing now.

Lolly because you are waiting for the counselling it will be always at the back of your mind and because you are trying to get on with life it comes out in your subconscious in dream form. In a way this is a good thing, because your mind is trying to process what happened to you.

Something I found helpful ( different type of abuse) was to write stuff down, but also to burn what I wrote - watching it go up in flames was very cathartic and it meant I really could write absolutely anything without fear that anyone else would read it .

Go back to the counselling service and tell them the need for counselling is urgent, ask them to get you in earlier, or for a cancellation and ring your support worker to see if that can be brought forward as well. You can ring Samaritans if you need to just talk to someone.

To get through today put on some happy or peaceful music and have a dance or close your eyes and breath deeply, whichever suits your personality (or mood) best if you have DC at home get them to join in with you - it may lead to some giggles which will make you feel better.

You are doing really well! Keep on keeping on.

Thank you so much for your reply Bproud. I do find writing things down so helpful, so I will try that. I think I will mention to by support worker that I am struggling, and I'll ask how long the waiting list should be from now.

I've just felt so anxious today. Normally the anxiety passes at some point, but it just hasn't, and my stomach has been in knots all day.

My dp knows that I don't feel myself because I've been so quiet, and he has probably guessed why. He's very supportive so I'm looking forward to being able to speak to him in private later on.

I just want to feel myself. Hopefully I will tomorrow.

Thanks again for the replies.

Can you ask your support person about grounding? In the mean time google. Grounding is very helpful when you are triggered by the past, not just nightmares, but when you are feeling it's all too close to now, panicky and such.

Grounding techniques include: wrapping your arms around yourself tight, putting both feet on the floor. Breathing through it. Having comforting items nearby can help too. I find soft things incredibly helpful, also I wear stretchy bead bracelets, I touch or hold when triggered.

Have you tried journaling? Writing down your feelings can help a lot, particularly once you start counselling, you can go back over your week before sessions and bring up anything reocurring, or particularly pressing.

Long term mindfulness is helpful, I'm no good at mindfulness meditation yet (i have ptsd and in the midst of therapy) but I try hard to practice mindfulness. It's repeatedly drawing attention to whatever you are doing, right down to the way food tastes and feels, the way something feels in your hand. Like right now, typing, the way the keys feel on my fingers. It forces your focus in the here and now.

Be very gentle with yourself, take good care of your basic needs now.. food, sleep when you can, rest. Do anything you can to feel better between your meetings and while you do go through counselling. It's hard, it really is, but it does get better.

Thinking of you.