Does it matter that my friend is flaky?

[LemonDrizzled]

I have a lovely funny friend who has been a huge support throughout my marriage breakdown and afterwards. She is single after a difficult marriage. Since then she has had an on/off relationship with a commitment-phobe who lives overseas and gets very upset over him. She has also dated some emotionally unavailable men and seems to avoid the nice healthy ones in case she hurts them.

Now I have noticed she treats me the same way as the men treat her. She arranges things with me then lets me down at the last minute. I invite her to do stuff, she says yes, then has a work/family crisis and calls to say she is not coming.

I thought this through a year or so back and decided that because she is funny, witty, kind and good to have around I would accept her unreliability. But recently I have been a bit firmer and saying I would rather not plan to see her if she can't be sure she is free. She is a bit miffed with me. I think she is also a bit jealous I now have a lovely kind DP who is totally reliable.

We had a heart to heart after she came home from seeing her on/off bloke in tears and she has started some counselling over her own emotional unavailability. I think this is hard for her.

What should I do? Protect myself by insisting she treats me with consideration, or cut her some slack? I am getting fed up of being taken for granted and put second to a manufactured excuse. But she can be very good company and cherishes our friendship as do I. Help!

I have a friend who always cancels but always wants to make a plan - she will even text me to arrange a time to call, but never actually does it. I don't care that we don't see each other but can't stand blocking out time in advance. So I just tell her to keep it spontaneous. We still never see each other but at least I don't get annoyed about it.

Tbh I very often cancel these days too. Life is complicated (3 kids, self-employed) and I seem to be ill a lot. My friends are very good about it but I have drawn back from making many arrangements because I can't stand letting people down.

The older I get the less tolerance I have for flakiness. However sometimes life does get in the way of the best intentions so I wouldn't be too quick to write someone off.

I think I'd only attend/invite her to things that other people are going to too, so you don't block out time for nothing.

If she tries to make an arrangement for just the two of you I think I'd remind her that she has cancelled the last x times so you're not prepared to block out time for her. If she pleads you could give her one last chance then that's it.

The most aggravating bit is that we have a shared hobby and I have to pick a "team" for the activity. She chooses the day she wants to take part, I give her a place on the team which means leaving out someone else, then she is a "no show" and we are short handed.
At present she has dropped herself from the team rather than let us all down again, but turns up looking forlorn because she was free after all and there isn't a space for her. It is so frustrating! Why can't she just make a plan and stick to it!

I think I am getting less tolerant too Lizza but then I think I am being mean when my life is going so well and she is struggling. I will try to do some spontaneous things with her I think.

Hmmm, difficult call. I have a friend like that whose company I enjoy (like a house on fire) but she would often bail at the last minute. It is difficult for me because as a ft working parent I can only arrange to meet her on the few days I work from home but if she cancels, I would have 'lost' that day when I could be doing something else.

I think the impromptu meet is the way forward, if I was going to see her. My days at home and emotional equilibrium are at too precious to waste on her, at the expense of the friendship.

Having said that, I hardly ever see her now.

It sounds to me as if she's running out of the ability to cope with stress - and even close family and super friends can count as stressful because they'll likely require certain things of you or your behaviour. (In other words, anything which makes demands on you - so what you do is book events (because you like the idea or the person) and then not go to them with some excuse because you can't bear the thought of it, the closer it gets.)

Or you manage to go to them but then leave early with a sigh of relief as you get in the taxi - does she ever do that? Leave early from something, I mean.

I don't know how you can help, really - apart form not getting annoyed and maintaining contact through nice chatty no-obigation emails or messages which don't seek meet ups at the moment but keep in touch generally.

Has she talked about this counselling? And - forgive me - but are you sure she's really going?

Well we all have our problems and faults and they manifest in different ways for different people.

Sounds like she is having a hard time just now and this is how it is manifesting. As with any relationship we have things we are willing to put up with and things not. e.g. some people would put up with flaky but not put up with self-pitying fb statuses some people the other way round.

I suppose I'd say cut her some slack as in accept that her problems are manifesting in being flaky but also have boundaries in the sense that you don't rely on her and if that means she turns up but is forlorn then that's how it is. Hopefully she'll resolve her problems.

My inclination, if she's really going to counselling about it, would be to be forgiving, as she is wanting to improve - it's not like she's saying, "I don't know what you're making a fuss about," which I'd be a lot less tolerant of, if she can't see it from the point of view of other people. And also, everybody does have crises from time to time, and it's harsh to punish people for something they really have no control over.

But I think it's also okay to be firm, and not allow yourself to be messed around too much. Is it possible to meet her in places you'd be going to anyway, and have things to do if she doesn't show? Not just the shared hobby, where you have to be in teams, but something like, "We're going to the village fayre on Saturday, arriving around 2pm. We could meet up for tea and a slice of cake (or a pint.) Let me know if you're interested, and then text me when you arrive." (Could be something totally different from a fayre.) That way, if she doesn't turn up, you still have stuff to look round and will probably see other people you know, too.

That's really helpful thanks. I agree she is extra stressed and if she is actually turning up to her counselling (and not cancelling at the last minute) then she will be finding it a challenge. I will be more patient.

Funnily enough eBear today is the Village Fayre so I will do exactly as you suggest this evening! Do I know you??

I'm not aware of any village fayres round here, it was just a random example that came to mind. As if I'd admit it anyway!

This post has helped me and will hopefully make me feel more tolerant at the moment. I have a friend who is in a very stressful situation who is very flakey about arrangments, often cancels, often withdraws. To date I have tried to be really tolerant, but recently I am struggling as it was not the way I was brought up, hence I was brought up to be reliable, let people know if I cant make it etc even when the going gets tough, which is something I do manage to do. Thanks again for the help, I will try and be a more sympathetic friend.

I have been really flakey over the last year. Work stress / pressure and issues at home. I would hope that anyone who was genuinely my friend would understand as I do try to explain.