DP has just told me that it is not the Quantity of what I do but the Quality. I'm spitting feathers.

[drosophila]

As I mentioned on another thread DP does school run and nursery run as he works from home. Every morning at work I get a panicky call asking where this is or what shall I put on the baby. Sometimes it can be very abrupt.

Today the same thing happens and I have had enough so we had an argument where I argue that I am doing huge amounts domestically and he wants me to do more cos it would make his mornings easier. Breakdown of what I do:
All the cooking (separate meals for kids due to allergies)
Most of the cleaning
All the homework
Arranging tradesmen
all the shopping (most on line)
Put baby to bed
Work three days a week (leave house at 06.30 get home at 18.30)
Take DS to Tennis

He puts DS to bed (usually too late as he gets caught up watching football or something)
Some domestics chores
Works 5 days at home
Does school run and nursery run when I work although I pick DD from Nursery.
Cooks meals for himself about 3 days a week.

Anyway you get the gist. I knew he wanted me to do more the night before so that the morning runs smoothly for him. He wants me to lay out the clothes, make sure the kitchen is clean before I go to bed and tell him what she should wear. I tell him that I think I do enough and he should get more organised -get up earlier etc. He then said I'm not disputing the quanity of what you do but perhaps it's a qualitative issue. Please give me strength and tell me how to get through to him that I am at the end of my tether.

He is late for school most mornings and twice lost track of time and forgot to pick DS up from school. He was only 10mins late but DS was very upset about it.

stay strong and keep insisting that he gets up earlier. what your child wears in the morning is not down to you if you're not there.

perhaps you could organise uninteruptable meetings first thing in the morning at work?

or go away on holiday for a week.

he'll get the hang of it then.

could you afford some outside help on the days you work like a cleaner or a local granny/mother's help to do pick ups?

Don't know really. Friends of mine at work say that they have similar issues and have to leave everything out for their DP/DH just to be sure that everything runs smoothly. I thinks what upsets me os that not only does he not appreciate what I do he wants me to do more.

I'm off now to open bottle of wime and will probably find him with his head stuck in the TV and DS running around.

if you can't afford help, I would tell him to take a leaf out of his own book and he can get out what the baby wears the night before and sort out their book bags while you cook tea.

If we have 'chores' to do in the evening, then we try and get them done so that once we sit down to eat dinner, everything that has to be done is finished and we can relax for the rest of the evening. So when I am cooking, I try and get dh to do other things (like bill paying).

Oh! the clothes dilemma, I know it's a matter of principles and that I shouldn't have given up on that battle but... since I prepare the clothes before leaving, my life is far easier, it takes 5 minutes and I can have a "peaceful" morning, no phonecalls, and rest asured that my baby is not out looking like a little orphan/street child and DH is wearing socks that match in colour!

Wot Chandra,you put socks out for your dh???

You know men can do all those things they just know that if they do it badly you will do it for them.

Yes, but I force him to pair them together under my careful supervision . I have one of those husbands that are highly respected in the academic workd by the inovative characteristics of his ideas and remembered by the ability of wearing two ties at the same time. Anything to save me the embarrasement! now, this is not a one sided releationship, he does 70% of the cooking and 60% of the cleaning and... 95.5% of the ironing! So, it works for us!

Carmenere, he tried to avoid cleaning the kitchen by breaking a few glasses and plates, but it back fired on him, I went out and bought a new nicer more expensive set using his money

fair enough!

Yes that is fair enough, sometimes even I take pity on dp and iron the odd shirt (if dss isn't around that is!)

i do all womanly stuff.i like it and dh does the paid work and manly stuff.

You say he works 5 days from home - so actually he is doing a full time paid job 5 days a week and you are doing a paid job 3 days a week? So on the days you both work, shouldn't allocation of household things really be equal?

I'm not saying he shouldn't think about laying clothes out the night before but as someone who works from home themselves, I know how annoying it is when things are expected to be done the way they would be if I was at home all day with no 'job'.

It sounds like you could do with sitting him down and working out exactly who does what so you delegate things more equally - but I wouldn't underestimate how hard it is to work from home and 'juggle' household and kids stuff - it's no easier than if you are out at work.

Well I do all the home stuff too but that's because he is always out working. I just hate ironing with a passion and don't see why I should do it. My motto is that ironing is a favour not a duty, I buy non-iron shirts for dp to minimise feelings of guilt.

Ermh... DH also does the manly stuff if that means having the higher salary of the household, ruining the house with his DIY and teaching DS to play football. Up to a couple of months ago I was a sahm... Gawd. I'm a lazy cow! but what a cow!

Hmmm ... this isn't so much about who does what domestic chores, but that he wants you to make up for his disorganisation. Whilst I think that GDG makes a good point re. the amount of work you both do, I also think that this could be the start of a slippery slope and before you know it he'll be asking you to ring him to remind him to pick up ds ... tbh I would stick to your guns on this one. Don't turn it into an "I do more than you do" argument - turn it into a "You need to be more organised" conversation.

Thanks guys. Yes he does do a full day of work at home and I understand that there are disadvantages. He does drop off in the morning otherwise I would not be able to do enough hours to make working worthwhile. He is back home and ready to work by 09.30 and goes completely uninterupted untill he collect DS from school. The school is 5 mins away and he himself says that DS is no trouble while he continues working.

One of the big problems with him working at home is that he won't quit till maybe 7pm or later. I explain that there are many things at my work that I don't get done but I have no choice but to pack everything away at the end of the day and try and put it out of my mind. I think his reluctance to log off his PC is a lot of the problem I am dealing with the kids in the evening and trying to cook and while he could be helping or getting things ready for next day he is logged on PC.

Interestingly he has managed to watch football during the day while he should have been working. This probably impacts later on cos he then has to try and catch up.