Toxic families- your experiences of getting back in contact?

[pumpkinsweetie]

Just that really, i'm interested if anyone has had a positive outcome when getting back in contact with toxic inlaws or toxic families.

As i'm thinking of starting the long road up again after much discussion with dh.
Tbh i know deep down these people won't change, but i owe dh atleast one more shot before giving up completely.

And i would like to hear the negative to before i go through with this tia

Bump

Very timely for me, a relative has recently contacted me-he's the toxic one- and it's really rattled me. He's in a bad place and needs help but within three days he's been a bit rude and nasty. I want to help him but I really don't want to get drawn in to something toxic again.

Basically I have no help to offer-sorry but you are not alone in your dilemma.

Hello small horrible isn't it when we are compelled to help these people & we know at some point we will have it shoved back in our face.

Tbh i'm not sure that contact is for the best in my situation, i haven't even wrote the letter yet.

Erm, pumpkin, I thought the letter was to tell them to back off!

Meantime your home phone's off, the FB messages guilt tripping and your fear at deleting her fromyour FB.

you do know other people don't live like that, right?

This woman's riding roughshod over the ordinary bounds of normal behaviour, let alone you personal boundaries!

If you're hoping she's changed from the person she was when you cut her off before, consider that hope dashed.

Sorry!

small don't respond to his contact.

Funny how he's contacting you cos he's in the proverbial...

Detach!

Yes, what has surprised me is how much this contact has affected me-my anxiety levels shot up.

I spent hours, literally, this morning, drafting a response to try to be kind and reasonable but also setting boundaries. My first reaction was to tell him to go -you know what to himself but I know I have to be the better person and ignore the toxic, dysfunctional past or I risk a load more of the same landing in my inbox.

It's really hard cos even if you tell yourself to cut off contact you know (if you're like me) that the issue will be niggling away in the background.

Anyway, I was dreading opening my FB messages and to my great relief I got an apology and a thank you, I was very surprised, so far so good, I still wish it would all go away though. Life's too short.

Maybe write the letter and put it in a drawer for a few days-see how you feel then. Is it your in laws or your own family that you are thinking of contacting?

Hissy, oh yes I know exactly what you mean and I strongly do want to detach but I also know that this relative had a rotten childhood and adolescence and can't really cope.

He's mentally ill (so he says- he's agreed to let me speak to his GP so at least I'll find out the truth) but he's also massively entitled and self obsessed -I feel better for saying that! But unless I try to help him I'll feel guilty-if I try this once and if it doesn't work out well, I'll suggest he message one of our other many relatives!

Anyhow I am totally high jacking so I'll stop.

Don't do it. Last time I forgave I ended up being relieved of £10,000 - it wasn't even that they wanted or needed the money it was a punishment for having cut them off before. I've been no contact now for nearly ten years and it's bliss, I will never be tempted to renew contact again.

I moved back near my mother after living far away for 5 years - moved out as soon as I was 18 due to her abusive behaviour. We have been getting along okay when the contact has been very sporadic - a phonecall once a month and a visit 3-4 times a year, but now with me being near, it is hell on earth all over again. She has completely backtracked and it is just as bad as it was before I moved out of their house. I do not live with them, but close enough that she can come around uninvited. It's a nightmare unfortunately for me, so proceed with caution!

Littleline i thought as much tbh & the idea of putting the letter in the cupboard for a few days is a good one. That means i can really think about what i am doing thoroughly and gives me a chance to change my mind.

Hissy unfortunetly not re the letter, if i'm honest i'm restarting up contact with mil due to dh's constant pestering but i know for sure it will only end up badly. I am not even sure this is what dh wants, i think that he has a clouded vision of the harassment stopping if she sees us. Basically i think he wants me to do it for the easy life but quite frankly she will never be happy whether we do or don't

I have promised to write a letter to mil for a one off visit and explain all the reasons why i stopped contact. I have also told him if she doesn't stic to the rules surrounding the day or goes over boundries that is it i am done forever and he cannot tell me to try again. He agreed and i think he means it.

Deep down i know this won't work and i know for sure she will break atleast one of my rules so i know this one off visit will be the very last.

I long for the day my dh learns to deal with her.

If a stalker rings a hundred times and you answer.

They won't think that they've inconvenienced you enough!

They will know that to 'get you' they have to ring you AT LEAST 100 times before you may answer.

Have you spoken to H about what happens when if she fucks it all up again?

And the next time she harasses you all?

Cos she's learning that if she badgers him enough, she'll win.

She can sense blood.. she knows victory is close. :(

Thankyou Hissy and you are right it is harrassment.
I have posted in stately homes, the old one. This meeting with mil will no longer be going ahead due to last nights events.