Mil and boundaries...

[okthen]

To cut a long story short, my mil is a complex and difficult person. She swings between being uber-nice (gifts, constant texts etc), wanting to be right at the centre of our family- and sudden dramas which cause us a great deal of stress (most notably screaming at me three days after our son was born).

Obviously you only have my 'side', and don't know the details. But, working on the basis that she IS fairly toxic at worst, unpredictable at best, I'd love some advice from those that have been there as to how to manage the relationship.

We are currently in a 'good' patch in which she is super-nice and affectionate. But this also means she is pushing for more and more contact. This month she is proposing to visit three out of four weekends. This isn't ok with us, as obviously we have other family and friends, things to do, and also want some family time (given that she believes DH 'adores' her- her words- she clearly thinks she is part of our nuclear family). We'd be ok with seeing her once every 3-4 weeks, and always make her welcome when she comes. She lives around an hour away so visits are for a whole day.

We don't know how to make this clear without provoking another drama.

Any tips?

Well you said it in your post...Boundaries

Set yours so there is no misunderstandings...Tell her you will only be free one of those weekends she has chosen as you have plans for the others.No need to elaborate , if you plan on sitting on your arse in front of the tele in your pjs , that is still your plan for the weekend.

I am a firm believer in saying what you mean and not letting others manipulate you. If she wants to create a drama because you are not falling all over yourselves to accommodate...whilst making you all miserable in the process..then that is her problem to deal with.

Toxic people will affect you if you let them. Whenever she says something you dont like, speak up straight away , dont over think things , if something doesnt feel right to you then stand up for yourself.

Thanks for reply. You are right of course- though in my case it will mean changing the doormat-esque habits of more than a decade....

My instinct is that DH needs to have all the difficult conversations with her about visits, boundaries etc, and I should just keep her at arm's length. He has already told her several times to go through him to make arrangements (she always contacts me, and DH thinks it's because se knows I'll say yes...). Do you think we should keep it that way or do I, directly, need to put my foot down?

Also it is so hard to be firm when she is on super-sweet form, I can only imagine the hurt way she would respond. She can be very manipulative, spiteful even, but often coated in an almost syrupy sweetness that it is difficult to kick back against....

Oh lordy, speaking as an as an old MIL, I agree with pawnstar. But I appreciate it's hard to say 'no', if you're not used to saying 'no', especially to someone who sounds, frankly, manipulative and devious and not especially nice, to be frank. To see her once rather than three times in a month is perfectly reasonable. Be very very firm - saying 'no' to her may cause sulks, tantrums, 'hurt feelings' etc. etc. on her part, but it has to be done, for your own sake and that of your family. THEY come first, not her.

Good advice so far. Also if she does act hurt and upset just ignore it and don't indulge her. Don't feel guilty either - you know she is being manipulative so don't rise to it - just move the conversation on to something else. Once a month is perfectly reasonable if it is going to be a whole day visit. Just don't feed her drama when she's acting up - I know it's hard but you just have to act like it doesn't bother you and don't give her the attention she is craving.

Plus an hour away is no time really. I drive 45mins to see friends for coffee and and don't feel the need to stay the whole day. So visits surely don't need to be all day, perhaps see if you could shorten them with plans in morning or afternoon?

Or you could visit her therefore you could decide when you leave.

People like this are only able to carry on if others let them.

You just need to be very clear about what is acceptable for you. And if she kicks off about it then you don't need to respond.

I detest manipulative people like this.

Thanks all, so the general concensus seems to be to be firm and stand firm in the face of any fall-out....

Stand firm and DON'T give in to stop any drama.

Was she ever tackled about her screams? I think she needs to know why she's not welcome whenever she wants - she just can't behave herself and is selfish to boot.

After the screaming incident she did not contact us for two weeks. Eventually we caved and DH contacted her. He told her she had to apologise- which she sort of did but without using the word 'sorry' or 'apologise' . But she clearly saw the incident differently, as a 2-sided thing (trust me it really wasn't- and in any case I was 3 days post-partum and could probably be excused even it was!), and also put her upset down to past traumas and poor health. She does that a lot and it's difficult to come back at. In some ways I'm glad she kicked off so unacceptably as it has put some very healthy distance between us. But now she seems to be trying to close that distance....
This was 10 months ago so maybe she feels it is time to forget. I never will.

Never ever cave in. Be firm, calm and distant.