I'm so concerned about my friends behaviour and her lies, would you confront, or leave alone?

[embarrassedforher]

I've named changed for this one. Bit of background first, my friend is in her early 40's and was sadly widowed just under 2 years ago. Her husband was a wonderful man and they were happily married.

In all the time I've known her (20+ years) she's never ever been single. She would go out of her way to find a man and she admits she chose some real bad eggs. She met her husband and finally found the one and they were together for over 10 years.

Within a couple of months of his death, she went on a drastic diet a very low calorie milkshake crap one and shed stones. She became obsessed with it and now literally starves herself to keep the weight off as once off the shakes the weight creeps back on. I've tried to reason with her that she will make herself ill, but I know she thinks she has to be slim to find a man.

The weight loss also links in with dating websites. Within 4 months of him passing she was on several sites. Now I appreciate its 'different strokes for different folks' but her parents weren't impressed with the 'quickness' of her moving on and made it known to her, she also made a big deal of showing off her dating history on facebook and I heard through the grapevine there were raised eyebrows.

I'll admit myself I felt it was too soon and told her this. Not in a horrible way, but as soon as she was dateless, she would become very distressed about losing her DH and it was so sad. I don't think she was ready and she was still grieving. I gave her all the support I could and was always there for her, even though were not local to each other.

Anyway, we've just spent sometime together. She has just ended a relationship a couple of weeks ago as he wasn't giving her what she wanted. But then in the next breath she says she doesn't want a relationship but then gets the hump if they don't go straight into texting several times a day, emailing and phoning everyday. She then becomes a diva and says they are not giving her enough attention.

We spoke at length over a bottle of wine why she needs to be with someone. She admitted she feels the need to make men find her attractive. I gently told her doesn't need a man to tell her this and she is lovely as she is and any decent man would take her as she is.

We had a chat about her forthcoming dates (she says she has four lined up) and she told me some details. But her stories don't add up and I find it embarrassing when she says one thing, then forgets and says another.

She told me two of these guys approached her while she was shopping and asked her out does that really happen? One of them apparently came and sat next to her in a cafe and asked her out. Then the next day she told me her sister had set her up with him, then the next time we spoke about it, he was a friend of her brother.

While we were away, she constantly checked her phone and one night spent an hour and half talking to one of these guys, which I found rude to be honest as we don't get to see each other that often. She also insisted on speaking to him while we were out for the day and went off on her own to speak to him. During the hour and half conversation, I was sat in another room but could hear everything as it was only a glass door separating us. I'll also admit I was ear-wigging

I was so shocked at some of the things she was telling him, they were just blatant lies. She told him she has two houses and has recently moved back to her house as it had been rented out and the tenants had trashed it. She has lived in her house for years, does not have two houses and it hasn't been rented out!

She also lies about things she likes to do to make it seem she has something in common with them. She puts a posh voice on over the phone and had a discussion with him about being on a dating website, yet says she was set up with him. I don't have a problem with dating websites, I've used them myself, so why lie?

There are too many lies to list on here, but its cringeworthy when another one trips off her tongue. We have been friends for years and can tell each other anything, but I just feel embarrassed about bringing this up with her.

So should I leave it and let her carry on, or say something, especially about the eating problems? Why do you think she's doing this, and why do some people have to have a man/woman in their life all the time?

Personally I would have to say something. I can't stand lies and if I didn't discuss it then it would seriously damage my friendship with the liar.

I think most people who need to be in a relationship are very insecure and feel they are only able to validate themselves by knowing they are desired/ loved/ needed by a partner. Does she generally have low self esteem? Is she overly confident, which could also be a front to cover up the insecurity?

embarassedforher, I read your post yesterday and just don't know what to say. I also have a low, ok, zero, tolerance for lies, so if she lied to me, I would call her on it. If she lied to me again, I would have to distance myself from her.

As for lieing to others...would not other people do the same thing? Eventually enough with the lies and dump her? Perhaps the thing to point out is that the lies make a foundation of sand and no relationship will survive on that. Or is she one who is in for the chase/conquest, and not interested in an actual relationship?

She is attention seeking, no doubt. I do not quite understand why you will sit in the background while she ignores you to talk on the phone for an hour and a half. Does she need an audience to talk on the phone?

Sorry my thouhts are rather scattered and this isn't much help to you.

she sounds sad and desperate yes but given she is a friend perhaps you could help her find what she really wants - a life partner. Why not fix her up with someone you know or your hubby know. I don't think shes going to stop all these shenanigans with these guys. You may want to have a word with her about keeping herself safe - in particular if she is appearing 'rich' to these guys she may be putting herself in danger if someone wants to latch onto her for that reason. I suspect she is desperately lonely and doesn't feel complete without a partner in her life; good or bad. Treat her gently since, who knows, she may still be grieving. Until one has lost their husband/ partner one cannot truly know what the other is going through. So ... if I could and she was my friend I would be looking through my phone book with my hubby and looking to see if we can set her up. If then, more lies come out you can 'naturally' discuss this with her as she has then put it your social domain. If you get me. Good luck.

Apart from everything else, that is indescribably rude to be talking on the phone for an hour and a half while in your company.

It would have been a good "window" into having a chat about it all.

can tell each other anything, but I just feel embarrassed about bringing this up with her.

You are not doing her any favours by pretending all is well and going along in her fantasy.

Sorry if that sounds harsh.

She sounds desperately sad and lonely and definitely still grieving.
Does she have any grief counselling?
When such a big change happens we can all act out our emotions in different ways.
I truly would not "confront" in a "you were rude" way, but I would certainly talk to her about how worried you are.

I know lots of people who on divorcing have gone a bit, erm, promiscuous...and struggle to know who they are (hence the lies) and I'd say being widowed is an extreme version of this. BUT she does need to address these feelings of being nothing without a man...otherwise who knows where it will end.

It must be awful to see her like this, I sympathise OP, the self-destruct button is seriously on. But if she was previously a good person, it is possible she can come out of this with the right support - and I mean external professional support.

I don't think it's a good idea to fix her up with anyone but a counsellor

Agree with mooncup.

My husband died five years ago. It takes a long time to work through grief like that. You do not realise how vulnerable you are in the early days, and may make bad decisions. Two years is actually not very long. Everyone varies in the way they deal with bereavement, but personally I did not start to feel more "normal" again for at least three years.

You don't get over it, you learn to live with it, and make a new life, which is hard and takes time. It sounds as if your friend is using these men as an escape to avoid dealing with what has happened/

Losing your partner can take you back to year zero emotionally, and if you have major issues (your friend feels as if she is nothing without a partner) they can come up and smack you hard in the face. It sounds as if she really needs some professional help.

The best thing to do would be to gently suggest this to her.

In the end though, she has to come through it herself, no-one can do it for her.