Why can't I let this go?

[Fizog]

I know I am stupid and I know it's irrational but I just can't seem to let go of an old friend.

We used to have an on/off casual relationship that I tried to end a number of times when he met his now longterm girlfriend... over the last couple of years we have slept together on occassion (but it's been so long now I can't remember when the last time was). I won't deny that I loved him with all my heart and I wanted him to be with me.

I always feel completely over it until something happens and then all the feelings come flooding back and I just feel sick - today's trigger is that they are going away for valentines weekend. Last weeks trigger was that he had bought a new house - I know that she's going to move in with him sooner or later. I know that one day he will tell me that they're getting married and I know that one day I'll be at their wedding wishing them all the luck in the world and I know inside I'll just be dying.

I have got to the point where I feel that I can't go on being 'friends' as I have different feelings but on the other hand he is my friend and I want to keep in touch and see him get married and be happy. I just feel so contradictive of myself, I feel like Jackel and Hyde.

Fantastic - he's just called to go on and on about how much he's looking forward to the weekend and what a great time they're gonna have etc Why don't men have any tact? even my subtle "I'm not doing anything" said in a really glum voice didn't ebb his flow! Just ended up mumbling "I'm sure you'll have a great time" "it'll be lovely" "Never been there before - you'll have fun"

What does he feel about you??

Have ou ever told him how you feel??

We've had endless conversations about it, he knwos how I feel. I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm over it now though (I am most of the time) and I don't want to give him the satisfaction of him knowing I'm not. He know's what he's done to me and how much he's hurt me in the past.

He loves me but not in the same way I loved him.

You're driving yourself mad aren't you??

What about all the other men that you have been seeing??

If I were you I would cut myself off from him completely at least till your life is sorted and you have a bigger (), better model that is all yours!!

I agree with Twinkie on this one. Stop torturing yourself. You need to let him go to let someone else in.

That's the annoying thing. I try to not have any contact but I feel so childish. I'm a twat.

He doesn't bother me when I think about seeing other men I 'know' in my head that there will never be anything between us and I can't remember the last time I saw him in the flesh let alone slept with him but it's still there - the thought of him telling me she's pregnant or they're getting married. It's the inevitability (word?) of it all. I know I don't have any control over it and I know that I would never do anything to jeopardise what they have. In the past I would have liked to I can tell you! but why would I want someone who doesn't want me?!?!?! stupid stupid stupid, he's an @rse, he's treated me like sh1t and still I don't want to hear about what a fab time they're gonna have. AAAAAAAARRRGGHHH just don't want to think about it anymore, so why can't I stop myself. Possibly because there's no closure but what is there to close - there never was anything to close!!! right that's! it I'm a freak.