Has anyone else's partner changed since first baby arrived?

[RoLoh]

It's been quite gradual but over the last few months since our dd was born dh has been getting angry over small stuff too easily. It's making life quite difficult especially as he's not the type to talk it out. It's not always me me's angry at, it's anything and everything!

I understand that he probably feels under pressure to do better in his career as well as being a dad but I'm going back to work myself soon and don't earn that much less than him. Plus I've paid half of all household expenses while on mat leave which I saved up for so he isn't having to support us all in one income.

I've mentioned the anger thing to him and said he should try and work out where it's coming from. Really I suppose I want to know if he is unhappy with things at home.

I just wondered if anyone else experienced similar thing with their partners and if so did it pass?

I don't have children so my advice might not be helpful, but could he not just be very tired? Or struggling to adjust to the big lifestyle change?

Try not to jump to the conclusion that he's unhappy too quickly, it's only been a few months as you said.

It could be that I guess but dd has always been a pretty good sleeper give or take teething/growth spurts so neither of us has been consistently tired. He also has taken to being a dad really well so I don't think he's worried about that.

Have you talked about this at length with him? Does he realise that unless it is dealt with now, it could end up causing your family to break apart?

At the moment, it sounds general - which is a good thing in some respects, because if he's angry at everything and everyone rather than just you, that at least suggests he's not mistreating you because he believes he's entitled to do so (a hallmark of abusive behaviour). However, unless he gets a handle on it, it will be just as destructive to your relationship as if he was an abuser, and could potentially backfire in his social and professional life too.

When you become a parent I thin it takes a while for you to 'get' the fact that this is IT. This isn't a few weeks of a new change in lifestyle, after which life returns to normal. You know it logically but it can take some time for the subconscious to catch up. Some people take longer to accept it than others. Your DP may not have reached that stage yet, whereas it sounds as though you have already.

I would read up a little on the dynamics of abusive relationships just so you know more about them (if you don't already). I'm not suggesting your DH is an abuser at all, but if you want to make the point about how his behaviour could easily cross a line in the future unless he gets a handle on it now, you will find it much easier to articulate that with forearmed with some knowledge.

In the meantime, try to encourage kindness and nice gestures with each other so that he doesn't feel got at, but don't stop picking him up on it each and every time he behaves badly. Part of preventing this from getting any worse is enforcing boundaries now.

Congratulations on your DD and hope things settle down again soon.

I agree with Tiffany - could it be tiredness?

Not that that makes it OK. I'm sure you are knackered too.

It's definitely not abusive or even on the way to being that, but I do worry that it might get worse.

I had a chat to him earlier as he just admitted to being angry with me over another minor thing. It seems to be money related and I get the impression that he feels he is shouldering all the financial burdens himself.

He basically got annoyed because he thought I bought my dad an iPad and that I shouldn't be spending money on frivolous stuff like that when we've got a baby and HE is putting all the money into our house move not me. So stupid since my dad bought the iPad himself and if dh had just said something two days ago he would have known that and wouldn't have had to be angry and stewing about it for all that time!

I'm trying to be understanding but it's annoying as I'm always the cautious one when it comes to spending money anyway and the whole thing is making me on edge

That makes things clearer. I think he's just struggling to adjust and it happens to be manifesting itself in this way. I think you've shown great insight into this already, recognising that he may be feeling overwhelmed by the responsibility he has to keep his career on track and your impending house move.

You may find that once you return to work it gets easier. Not only will you be contributing more financially, but simply being out of the house, acting in a role that isn't partner/mother, will also make him see you as more of an equal in terms of responsibility. Right now, he could be feeling 'responsible' for you if you're off work on maternity leave, despite the fact that you've been contributing financially throughout. The fact that you're not physically working in your job means he doesn't see you as working and so the responsibility is on him IYSWIM.

That's very much his problem to overcome, but having it acknowledged and offering some reassurance that you will deal with this as a team is probably a better response than getting confrontational. All that said, he needs to learn to express his concerns more effectively than quietly seething and only erupting once an atmosphere has been created, which is something only he can do.

Just as an aside, he's not having any problems at work is he? That could be making him worry more unduly, though a new baby and a house move is pretty stressful as it is.

Thanks, I think you may be right and he does feel responsible even though he doesn't have to.

He's been working from home a lot since dd was born so maybe he's worried he is out of the loop at work and there are political manoeuvres going on behind his back. How does he think I'll feel having been off for a year!

Hopefully you're right and things will get better once we've moved and I'm at work too. Until then I'll just have to suck it up I guess

Sadly yes my stbexh changed for the worse when our children came along. Before then it had been just the 2 of us for 12 years. We went on holiday every year together, we did everything together.

When the children came along (they're now 11 & 6) the dynamics of the family changed. We now had other people to be responsible for. I could no longer give him my full attention as I had children to feed/entertain etc.

Rather than embracing our new situation & taking part in the care of the children, he became distant. By his own admission he didn't like having to 'share' me. In effect he was jealous of his own children.

He's never been a hands-on dad. He never wants to do anything as a family, and after a while he stopped wanting to do anything with me either. I've tried everything I can think of to show him I do love him & I want him as part of our family. But ultimately he's decided he doesn't want to be, and I've stopped trying to change his mind.

We've decided to separate & I can see that he's made up his mind. There's nothing I can do to change anything so I'm going to do my best to bring up the children by myself.

Sorry it's not a happier story, but it might be something to think about (jealousy etc) as it does happen.

RoLoh - no, don't suck it up. Why should you put up with this? Next time it happens, explain that you know he's tired and feels under pressure but that's no excuse for going around like a bear with a sore head and blaming you for things you haven't done (I hope he apologised profusely over the mistake about the ipad...)

Tell him he's to stop treating you like shit because you're not going to put up with it. Not many women save and save so they can pay their way while on maternity leave - he's bloody lucky to have you.

I am an arsehole when it's time to move house. It really unsettles me and makes me anxious and bad-tempered. It could be a big dose of that.

About nine years ago we had our DD and my DH took an emotional step back from me. Loving DD cost him nothing whilst loving me cost him a lot in terms of energy and expectations. I have watched him get angrier and angrier over the years and he has become more and more stressed/ distant. I am currently separated from him and am still trying to explain to him where it all went wrong (he's not a talker either). I am a sad, angry and rather bitter woman as a result of all the changes and the inability I had to make him see how much his changes hurt me. It's a disaster. If you can get through to him them do- it has the potential to not end well otherwise.

Sorry to hear that Roller, how awful for you. I hope you find someone new who appreciates you and the kids.

Shootfromthehip, sorry things went to shit for you too. Now I'm worried, I know that anger issues don't get better on their own.

Nagoo that made me laff

shootfromthehip my situation is exactly the same as yours. I am also separated now. Agree the OP's situation has the potential to deteriorate and she is right to flag it up now. I was in a particularly vulnerable place when my first child was born. It was the beginning of the end for our marriage.

I'll never ever regret having our children, and if I could go back in time the only thing I'd have done differently would have been to recognise that I couldn't change dh earlier. Instead we've limped on for years longer than we should have & our eldest child in particular is now quite upset by our separation.

I don't think it's something that will go away by itself so if you can address your issues now then it'll help.

Good luck! I'm sure you'll sort things out.

I can relate to this, although it's mostly me (the mum) who's been getting annoyed and snappy over trifles . What has helped is when DH and I are in the midst of some stupid argument about who didn't do some task or did it wrong, I say 'you know we're both beginners at this, it's not surprising that we don't always know what to do or disagree. We need to be nicer to ourselves'. I also think he doesn't 'get' yet what it's like when you look after DC all day and have the urge to thrust them at your partner when he walks in through the door! (he has looked after DC on his own but obviously I do most of it as I'm on leave).

The money thing is also an issue here -- I have had to ask DH to contribute more to bills while on SMP and he has been grumpy about it.

Being a dad has definitely brought DH's control freakery & anxiety to the fore - I don't know if something similar is going on with your DH. As women generally have more contact with babies before one comes along, I think we may be more prepared for the complete lack of control one has over many aspects of having a new baby?