Any advice/ help re access arrangements -stbex acting up!

[feelingvunerable]

Hi,

I have posted before how my h is being unreasonable.
It is a very recent split.
He left without answering why. said he wanted us to have a trial seperation. I was gutted.Found out there was ow, debt, deceipt-none of this admitted by h. In fact he vehemently denied any wrong doing.
He sits in local pubs with ow rubbing it in my and dcs face.
Hasn't paid any money, cancelled mortgage standing order and is generally acting like a total penis.

I was the one who did the majority of childcare, in fact I was the one who put the majority of effort into our marriage.
H seems to think he can now lead a "single" life and have no responsibilities including making concrete plans re access to dcs.

I have been told by solicitor that:
My dcs can decide whether to see him or not
He has now to put in writing his proposals for contact
He cannot come and go on an "ad-hoc" basis.
Due to his and ow handling of the split dcs are adamant that they do not want to see ow.
Solicitor has written ststing that he must see them alone.
Ow has several children and at least one of them has a social worker and tells her class mates that her mother hits her.
Ow dd used to spit in my sons face many years ago, she lives round the corner from me.
Ow has told lies about my dd1 to h and he took ow side.
H has told the dcs that I am preventing him from seeing the dcs-not true but I have told them that he must suggest a plan and stick to it.

One of the first things I suggested to him was contact arrangements which he refused outright.

The latest is that he is going to move in with ow (and her kids) and that my dd1 can either see him at her house along with her 5 kids, or not at all.

Dd1 was hysterical after this. She has told him she wants to see him ALONE with her brother and sisiter.

My solicitor has suggested that I could get a court order preventing him from seeing the dcs for various reasons but I am trying to ensure they don't loose contact with him.

Both my dds have asked if their dad has mental health issues.

All my friends say he is just a totally selfish twat and always has been.

My gut instinct is that he doesn not want to commit to the dcs as there are more important things in life.

I have been in tears tonight this whole situation is awful.

Thanks for reading.

All advice grateful.

Dcs are 11, 14 and 16.

That's a lot to get your head round and sort out

What is he actually asking for?

This is such a tough time while the details are all getting sorted. Sorry he's being such a tool.

He is not behaving in the way to make access possible, and that is a choice he is making. It is sad for your kids if they end up losing contact with him, but it is because he is being unreasonable, and there is nothing you can do to stop that. Start getting used to the idea that it is NOT up to you to facilitate HIS contact.

It's bullshit that contact with a father must be preserved at all costs. Your solicitor has advised you to stop contact, so please stop feeling that you have to upset yourself and your DC for the sake of this man. Just freeze him out. DC are old enough to refuse contact so it will not be forced on you.

Yes Frax all my close friends have said this.

The trouble is they have said that throughout our married life I have always been there for the dcs and he is so used to this.

Hey- he isn't asking for anything that is the thing. He has told them that i don't respond to his texts- true as all he talks about is that I will get nothing and what a bitch I am.

I even showed dd1 the latest text, he never, mentions the dcs!!!

Btw I have changed my number because of him.
The only thing he has said about contact is that he cannot have them overnight, he wouldn't come to our house to see them, he won't take them to his parents but when he moves in with ow they will have to go there. There won't be room to sleep though, but none of them want to go there.

Yet he has apparently been told that he cannot afford to contribute to our mortgage because he said he needs to get his own place!

I feel really sorry for dcs.

He has gone away for several days, telling dd1 that he is skint.

Should I just leave things as they are, and continue to await his response to my solicitor?

Thanks solid.

My friends have told me that he has always controlled me. sometimes I feel strong and can see this, other times I feel helpless.

I even asked him to consider what he is doing to the dcs everytime he does something bad to me, such as sitting in the local pub with her.
He turned it into an argument over who they love the most!

I am consumed by guilt. Even though I try and tell myself I have done nothing wrong.