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Original poster

He wants another baby and I really don't

47 replies

Licketysplit123 · 22/08/2013 22:28

Hi everyone,

DD is two in October and she is brilliant. OH and I have had some serious marital difficulties since my pregnancy. I don't think it's too one-sided to say there was some pretty unreasonable behaviour on his behalf for a long time, he would admit that too and is sorry. He didn't cheat or anything but he wasn't supportive at all to me during pregnancy and the first year after she was born and there were a lot of arguments and I was very unhappy.

Sex started to go downhill before I fell pregnant. He didn't want it at all while I was pregnant or for a year after the birth and I was very hurt by this.

A few months ago, I was convinced we would split soon but he has done a serious u-turn and is now being ridiculously nice. He wants another baby and he is regularly trying to have sex. He is stepping up the new baby campaign because he has just turned 38 (I am 30) and he says he wants to prove to me he can behave properly this time.

We are getting along a lot better but to be honest, the thought of sex with him actually upsets me. I feel like it is just weighed down with issues. I would love another baby but I don't want to DTD for that to happen.

I haven't found him attractive for a long time either which doesn't help. We are actually very friendly at the moment and as a family we are spending some nice time together, so I am wondering if this can improve?

he is making me feel a bit guilty, saying our daughter needs a sibling, he needs to get cracking because of his age.

I suppose my question is, is it selfish to not try? How can I get over this sex thing? Do you think you can find someone attractive again after you had got to the point of not loving them anymore? I am reluctant to ask to go to counselling as we are getting along ok at the moment and I fear asking will make it worse again.

please advise or tell me your similar experience. Sorry for the long post xx

OP posts:
Jux · 22/08/2013 23:47

I don't understand his thing about his age. Does he think he's not going to want to play football with a son when he's in his 40s?

I'm not surprised you're not that keen atm. He was unsupportive and unhelpful for a long time, about a year and a half? A few months ago, you were convinced you would soon split up, so it can't have been to great then. Sex was going off before you became pg. Sounds like things have been going wrong/wrong for a good 3 years?

So, things have improved a bit over the last few months, and he's decided that another baby would be great. And that things are so great between you, that he feels confident enough to guilt trip you into doing what he wants.

Are you surprised you're not quite so trustful?

I would imagine that you will need a good few years to trust him enough to have another baby with him. I certainly would.

postmanpatscat · 23/08/2013 07:07

His age is irrelevant, my ex was 38 when we had our first baby and DP had a child at 44! There are far more issues here and your reluctance is justified. I resisted a third with exH for similar reasons and know it would have been much harder to get away from him with three DC than two.

Original poster
Licketysplit123 · 23/08/2013 08:13

Thanks for your replies, really appreciate it.

It's nice to feel a little understood, I've been reading a lot of marriage forums and although I haven't posted, I've been getting really worried because a lot of them say things like; love is a choice; and ;you should just have sex regardless of how you feel and you will start to feel differently in time; I made myself do it about six weeks ago and he had two negative comments to make afterwards, so I've decided I'm not doing it again.

Jux I am not sure what the age thing is, age always bothers him a lot. I knew him for years before we got together and when he turned 30 he got panic attacks!

Postmanpatscat - what happened with your ex and why did you eventually leave? I am asking because I wondering if there needs to be a reason or is it just about how you feel?

I had got used to the idea of a nice new life, just me and DD. I was just waiting for the next big row really but it never came. He decided he needed to get his act together instead. And now I feel a bit trapped and like I can't break it off without a good reason. I feel as if I can't just say to DD that I broke up with her dad because I stopped wanting to try.

But now I don't know how to want to try. Grrrrrrrrrrr - I am annoying myself by sounding so pathetic. I'm not always so pathetic honestly!

OP posts:
HappyJustToBe · 23/08/2013 08:18

Having sex when you don't want to will just make you miserable. It is different from having a go when you're not in the mood/a bit tired to see if things do perk up with no recourse if you don't get in the mood, if you know what I mean?

Jux · 23/08/2013 12:25

Not wanting to be in a relationship is a good enough reason to not be in it. It sounds like you have been taken advantage of and taken for granted for a long time. He's tried a bit harder for a couple of months and now expects his reward. What is in it for you? What are you getting out of it?

Fairenuff · 23/08/2013 12:36

No, no, no, do not have sex unless you 100% want to.

Right now, I think another child with this man would not be a sensible choice. His reasoning is skewed - he wants another chance to prove himself a better partner, your dd would benefit from a sibling, etc. What about you OP? Has he thought about your needs? Nope.

I think you need to have a good look at your relationship and how it is enriching your life. So far, he sounds selfish and immature.

CharlotteCollinsismovingon · 23/08/2013 13:37

he had two negative comments to make afterwards

Shock What a charmer.

Original poster
Licketysplit123 · 23/08/2013 18:35

Yeah, charmer indeed!!

I'm not actually sure what is in it for me. It certainly feels like not a lot. He also works a ridiculous amount so basically 6/7 nights a week I am at home with DS alone and have no freedom so it is like I am a single mum anyway in that respect.

There's a lot of layers to it all, but another argument today has left me remembering what it feels like when its bad, I just feel tired and heavy and like I just want to go to sleep. That's how I feel when I am aroun him a lot.

He says that is normal for parents of young children and things will be better in a cou

OP posts:
Original poster
Licketysplit123 · 23/08/2013 18:36

Oops posted too soon ....cou

OP posts:
Original poster
Licketysplit123 · 23/08/2013 18:38

...sorry phone is going nuts!!!

I meant to say...couple of years. My mum thinks if I stick it out it will get better. But it's been nearly two years. I suppose I just need to make a decision to get happy. I'm not good at all at these things. The thought of telling him I don't love him makes me feel sick. For him, it'll come completely out of the blue as he never "gets" it when I try and tell him our marriage is in a bad way.

OP posts:
AnythingNotEverything · 23/08/2013 18:40

I don't think this is about whether you should have another baby or not. There are some more fundamental issues here - I'm not sure you want to be with him at all.

I definitely wouldn't be having a baby, or even having sex, with this man until I worked out what I wanted long term. And this has to be about what YOU want.

TheDoctrineOfPositivityYes · 23/08/2013 18:41

Tell him that there is no chance of you saying yes right now and you will think about another child in 6 months or 12 months if you prefer.

You need time to see if this is going to work out and he needs to leave the idea for a bit. Biologically there's no rush at your current ages.

TheDoctrineOfPositivityYes · 23/08/2013 18:42

Oh, cross post.

When does he spend time with the child you have? I'd have another child if someone else was doing all the work...

Bogeyface · 23/08/2013 18:47

My own ex was blown away when I left him, he said that he genuinely hadnt seen it coming despite me trying to tell him for a few years and begging him to come to counselling. He was gutted and really wanted to try again but for me it was too late :(

Bogeyface · 23/08/2013 18:48

oops, sorry....

.....dont let concern for his reaction stop you from claiming a better life for you and your DD. And I will say it as no one else has, are you sure he wasnt having an affair? Going off sex, being distant etc would point to it and if the affair has now finished that might explain his sudden resurgence of interest in you and your family.

RenterNomad · 23/08/2013 19:00

God, no, don't have another child with someone you clearly don't trust! If he's being "ridiculously nice", that doesn't sound sustainable, especially given past form!

There was a series of threads a while ago, which emerged from the OP's wondering whether she was being unreasonable to not want another baby, when her H nagged and joked and talked over her in public about it, as a "done deal". Chillingly, she seemed unaware that women could use contraception secretly. More and more emerged, and it would be crazy to project any of that on you, but it just underlined how worth it is underlining:

  • no-one should be obliged/forced to have a child s/he doesn't want, especially if all the shitwork with any existing DC falls to the one who doesn't want one.
  • having sex with someone because s/he will be unpleasant, and nag if not, equals coerced sex, especially if the coercing partner is financially dominant (and the partner left with the baby and all the shitwork is not going to be financially dominant...)
TheDoctrineOfPositivityYes · 23/08/2013 19:06

Yy renter, that bell was rung for me too with the "baby campaign" phrase.

CharlotteCollinsismovingon · 23/08/2013 19:14

The "not getting it"... does he take you seriously when you raise a concern? Or does he laugh it off?

RenterNomad · 23/08/2013 19:19

Nice to see your new movingon "surname", charlotte! Smile

CharlotteCollinsismovingon · 23/08/2013 19:21

:) Nice to be moving on!

Squitten · 23/08/2013 19:41

You don't love him. That's the most important thing you have said in all this. You should not be even contemplating expanding a family with someone that you don't love.

I would advise you to tell him the truth - very honestly - so that he fully understands what is at stake here. Counselling would be the next step to see if there's anything to salvage. You need to be in an entirely different place in your relationship before you think about more babies.

Bogeyface · 23/08/2013 23:48

The "not getting it"... does he take you seriously when you raise a concern? Or does he laugh it off?

My H loved me and wasnt abusive at all, but we had drifted apart and when I tried to talk to him he basically said that everything was fine and that I was looking for problems, "borrowing trouble" was his phrase. I think that because we werent arguing then he thought everything was fine, of course we werent having sex or fun either but I think he accepted that as part of marriage.

It killed our marriage and I regret that very very much :(

Bogeyface · 23/08/2013 23:49

Sorry, submitted too soon again!

I meant to say that the OPs DH could be the same. Not being horrible or abusive but just not seeing that, because he is happy, the OP isnt happy.

Fairenuff · 24/08/2013 00:00

I suppose I just need to make a decision to get happy

You can't just decide to be happy. It's your circumstances which will dictate how you feel.

If you are in a loving, equal, trusting relationship with a person who supports you, listens to you, laughs with you, you are likely to be happy with them.

If you are in a relationship with someone who is selfish, demanding, lazy, emotionally distant, disrespectful, etc. then you are likely to be unhappy.

Being on your own is better than being in an unhappy relationship. It also gives you the chance to meet someone else who will treat you properly. Don't waste your life.

Original poster
Licketysplit123 · 24/08/2013 07:52

Thanks everyone, it's been really helpful reading all the comments...

TheDoctrineOfPositivityYes - to be fair to him he does make sure he spends time with our daughter. Even if he is working a lot for several days or on nights, he'll get up for half an hour before she goes to nursery to spend time with her and he tries to take her swimming for an hour every week. They have a good relationship, but that doesn't mean another one is a good idea.

bogeyface - I really don't think he was having an affair. About a year ago, after a huge row I moved out for a few days and was seriously considering ending it all then. he got very upset and told me the reason we hadn't had sex in about 18 months was because he had been unable to perform once shortly before we got married and he had been so troubled by it he had started masturbating instead. He said he was afraid he was addicted to wanking and had a mental problem. Anyway, i dont think he was addicted at all, it turns out he only did it a couple of times a week which to me was just replacing a normal sex life, not an addiction. In the end, it was a bit of a ploy to deflect things and make it all about him, poor him. And it worked, I went back because he said he thought the reason we rowed all the time was because there was no intimacy and he hadn't even let me cuddle or kiss him because he didnt want me to want sex.

everyone is right, we shouldn't be having another child, at the moment that isn't an option. I think the issue is I am waiting for it to get better because everyone tells you not to give up, to keep working at it, marriage is hard etc.

Everyone says having a toddler is hard, puts such a strain on relationship etc, but honestly I dont think its that bad. She's brilliant and easy and we have fun, she isn't a problem at all!,

I know I need to talk to him but whenever I do, He plays the victim and says I can't keep throwing the past back in his face, and what am I doing to change? Which confuses me because the things I do are not ruining the relationship. He means things like leaving the iron on, not filling the car up with petrol as soon as the red light comes on etc.

Renternomad, thanks for the info but although I have been a bit daft and had sex when I didn't really want to, I'm not being dominated financially or anything. Well he probably would like to, but I run my own business and I'm quite independent so I am not staying because I think I couldn't cope financially or anything.

Thanks everyone
Xx

OP posts:
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