Help! He's turning into his lousy father.

[m1m1rie]

I seem to be at loggerheads with my DH over the upbringing of our children. Whilst I was brought up in a respectful and loving household, he was practically raised by wolves!! We were always encouraged along by my parents, with plenty of constructive criticism/advice when making decisions. Admittedly, my childhood was pretty charmed whilst his was pretty rough, but we are now in the advantageous position of being able to offer our girls an upbringing more similar to my own than to his (he even admits that without my support he would have probably never done anything constructive with his life). However his father died 2 years ago aged just 59. This was a man who drunk away his earnings, womanised (actually fathering a child by another woman in a different part of the country), fought just about anybody who spoke to him with the wrong tone and eventually left his wife for a much younger woman. Even when he died, his will (which was a typed note about 5 lines long with his signature on the bottom) left EVERYTHING to his girlfriend, with no mention at all of any of his 5 granddaughters, and only mentioning his 4 sons by saying that should the girlfriend not survive him by more than 28 days, the estate would be divided equally between them. He was handsomely insured, so the sums concerned were not insubstantial, confirming (if confirmation were needed) that this thoroughly selfish individual did not care enough about anybody to even give them consideration - that would have required an effort on his part which he could never be bothered to do. However, since his death, the man who I have listened to much criticism about over many years, from both my MIL and my DH, has suddenly become some kind of saint they all talk so fondly of. Not only that, but it is as though he has suddenly become my husband's role model, and I am worried. I have noticed so many of his father's mannerisms recently and I just want him to realise that as far as role models go, his father was a truly lousy one, and the fact that he died from a heart attack at 59 after a life of high tension and aggression should be warning enough, but there are no words to say it to a man who has lost his father, however bad a father he may have been. He is now treating our girls in more of this rough way, although he loves them a great deal more than his dad showed he loved him, he still swears and blows his top in front of them when all I want is a civilised, respectful household where we all can talk out our problems without shouting, banging and crashing. Can this be achieved?

In answer to your last question yes it can but he's going to have to put a lot of hard emotional work in. It will be difficult for him and you also. Any will to change behaviour needs to come from within the person themselves; asking him to change for instance will not work.

Your childhood was good. His childhood memories though got sullied by toxic parents and as such their legacy of toxicity will be hard to overcome. Change though can be achieved.

It goes without saying he cannot swear and get overtly angry in front of your daughters - they could grow up thinking that such behaviour in men is the norm and subconsciously seek men just like this.

Not really surprised to see that the formerly bad person has now become some kind of a saint - this behaviour is commonly seen in dysfunctional families when such people who treated others badly in their own lives die.

If he won't go to Relate I would suggest you go on your own and talk these issues through.

Would also suggest you (and he) read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward.

I hope I am not misrepresenting my DH with my comments. Regardless of how poorly I regard his upbringing, he is not by any stretch a bad or abusive father. I am just concerned at the apparent hero-worship of his father, and the emulating of certain characteristics. He is not helped by the fact that, rather than helping to guide him during this time after his father's death, his mother has retained her laissez-faire attitude, possibly even adding to the confusion by always remembering his father with some kind of rose-tinted view. She actually seems to do more harm than good by ignoring any of his many faults, and talking so nostalgically about their (rather inadequate) upbringing, kind of in the manner of.."You don't seem to be sad enough today; let's talk about all the fun you had with your dad, and how he has now tragically been taken from us..." Luckily for me, I have a marvellous and intelligent SIL who sees right through all this quietly manipulative behaviour, and we can have a good old bitch between us!!!