Help - I feel torn between two lives

[waitingformychance]

Please if anyone can give me some advice I would be so grateful, I can't seem to see things clearly!

I've been with dp nearly 3yrs and lived together for 2yrs, before him I was with ex for 10yrs and we have a little dog whom we share custody :) dog lives with partner as I moved into a flat when we split up and there was no garden.

I still see ex due to fact of seeing my dog but he has lots of issues, he has always suffered from a psycological eating disorder and depression etc, ever since I met him. We always muddled through okay but when we moved in together all his problems became more hard work, he would punish himself and wouldn't let himself be happy or comfortable so he would make the house unbareably cold in the winter, or chuck the sofa away saying we would get another then wouldn't , and we would have to sit on the floor and so many other things too ! It all seems so strange to write but when your involved its just life, and there was no talking to him, I always said I would go and buy things, fix things etc but this always upset him .

I lived with him for 7 years but I gave in and could not live like that anymore, and about 6 months later met new dp.

We have been extremely rocky and up and down, which to be honest is more my fault than his, I don't seem to jump in with 2 feet , I want to desperatly move on, but I go pick my dog up and see ex and I feel awful.

I'm seeling my flat so I can feel like I'm properly commiting to my new relationship, but ex saw the advert in paper and when I went round he was shaking and nearly crying at this.

I then take it out on dp and pick holes in him and us. Ive caused so many arguements and its always after seeing ex!

Does it mean I want him back? I'm doubting my current relationship constantly!

Sorry its been so long :)

Are you selling your flat to move in with current partner? If so I'd seriously reconsider that ASAP. You are having major doubts by the sounds of it. I think you need decide how you feel about your dp and focus on that in the first instance. Once you are clearer in your head about that you will maybe be able to move forward. Why be with anyone, why not take some time on your own for a while? You sound very confused.

Your XP sounds very manipulative indeed. My advice would be for you to cut all ties with him, and make a firm decision about where the dog lives.

Gah - ruddy phone just deleted so many wise words. But basically, if your ex is happy to live in his own Emotional Excrement, you need to leave him to it. You don't really want to be with him, you're just fond of him and worried. That's a friendship at most. and if he's not seeking help for this, it's a toxic one. My DH would be like this if circumstances were different and my DS1 could very easily go that way. We have sought help for both and CBT and psycho therapy helped both of them.

If you are sabotaging your new relationship it is either because you don't love the guy or because you're so traumatised by your previous relationship you can't move on.

Either way, why not.....

Be single for a bit. It would remove a lot of stress from your life and allow you to recover properly from your traumatic relationship (6months a very short time before moving on IMHO)

Your XP sounds like a nightmare. Remember why you left! It doesn't sound like you having continuing contact with him is good for you tbh.

Having said that, it doesn't mean that being with your new partner is right for you either. It's not particularly fair on him if you can't commit.

Sounds to me like you could really do with some time on your own.

Don't sell your flat.

It sounds as if you are considering it in the hope it might kick start a feeling of commitment to new DP. It should however be the other way round - you move in together only when you are absolutely sure you are committed. Keep your assets until you are 100% sure.

Can you arrange doorstep handovers for the dog? You need to minimise contact with XP, and certainly eliminate contact with emotional content.

As a prelude to this, I should say that I am not a dog owner and have never had one...

First of all, enough of the nonsense with your ex and the dog. Either give him the dog permanantly or take it back yourself. He sounds like a big ball of trouble and I don't understand why your relationship needs to be dragged on forever over a pet! Time to move on with your life, don't you think?

Secondly, I wouldn't be selling my property for a relationship that I'm not properly committed to. If you are having doubts about your new partner then you need to deal with that. You can always take a few steps back before going forwards again.

I think you do need some time on your own to figure out what you want for yourself.

I agree about the dog......you have to let the past go. No contact with your ex. Then decide if you want to be with your dp.