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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Ridiculous middle-aged crush- need to get over it.

49 replies

MiddleAgedCrush · 22/08/2013 05:37

First of all, I know how ridiculous this is going to sound. (It's also similar to a recent thread on here, which was very helpful to read.)

At 44, I have developed a huge crush on someone who works at a place that my son and myself attend every week. I think that the feeling was pretty much mutual- meaningful eye contact, chats etc.

I hardly know him- almost certainly married & children. But I got totally carried away with him in my head. It was just nice that someone looked at me like a woman and not just X's mother. I don't think I imagined it- deeply sexual eye contact, makes an effort every week to talk to me etc. And the conversations were longer and longer- he was digging a bit for details about me etc. Of course, this then developed in my head into a whole full-blown thing.

I hardly know him but much to my mortification I sent an FB message this week (very innocent, ostensibly- he did something nice for my son.) (But of course you don't need to be a genius to see the intent behind the message.)

I am praying it went into the 'Other' folder because essentially it means: I found out who you are, I like you.

Honestly, I know I'm over-reacting a bit but I feel mortified. I don't even know why I did I- I can't handle a FB message, never mind an affair.

No reply, of course (thankfully).

I just want to not feel like this. I know I need to work on my current (long-standing) relationship (sex life not good; my SO appears to not have any emotions :( ). I don't know what I'm asking, really- how to get over this, I guess?

Obviously I won't be attending this place again (for a long, long time) and so the chances of me running into him are nil.

I feel dreadful- stupid, embarrassed, idiotic. But i did/do like him. Ugh. Any tips/hints on how to deal with this would be helpful. (I do have a history of silly little crushes in the last two years or so; I think I am just coming out of a post-natal haze and realising there is a woman here, not just a mother.)

Sorry to ramble. I can't blame him, really. Yes, he encouraged me a bit but I'm sure it was all harmless to him and he didn't give it a thought.

I want to:
i. Not feel like this about him;
ii. Stop acting like an idiot; and
iii. Not do this again.

Thanks if you got this far.

OP posts:

Original poster

MiddleAgedCrush · 22/08/2013 17:44

blueshoes, yes, it is a dangerous age....50 is round the corner.It is hard, to know that there will be a day (pretty soon) when the looks and slimness really will go and with it one of my main sources of self-esteem. Sad, but true.

saferniche Eipcurean, ah, how nice. I actually think I should also read some of the Stoics- lots of wisdom there. :)

OP posts:

kerstina · 22/08/2013 19:27

I can identify this too but I try to see the positive side of being attracted to other people. I would rather have someone i am attracted to be around than not at all. I t just reminds us we are alive! My DP has admitted he finds another school mom attractive but oddly I don't mind. I trust him. I find other people attractive too but what stops me going any further is how i would feel if my partner cheated on me. Plus i would probably have a breakdown as could not live with the guilt.
You are right about the danger zone 40's, though have been shocked at so many couples splitting up in the final years of my sons primary school.

saferniche · 22/08/2013 20:14

Oh, I think being attracted to other people is fine - entirely human. And a good thing if you can share it with your spouse too - this has a tendency to neutralise the flutters. Doesn't protect you though from mid-life crushes or the sort of fantasising which would embarrass a teenager. Especially your own teenager.

delilah89 · 22/08/2013 20:22

Hello MiddleAgedCrush. Your messages remind me of how I felt before breaking up my last relationship (no DC thankfully). I felt sexually unsatisfied and had loads of crushes. My partner now things are completely different, and I never would get these crushes. It IS to do with unfulfilled sex drive, or at least un-noticed erotic aspects.

Original poster

MiddleAgedCrush · 23/08/2013 07:41

Thanks kerstina and delilah. Interestingly my partner does know a bit about the OM (I did discuss his attraction to me in a jokey way) and this did take the sting out of it , a little. But no, the fantasising hasn't protected me from falling in a fairly embarrassing manner.

Anyway...interestingly (to me, anyway) I spent a lot of last night and early this morning having conversations in my head with the OM about how it couldn't happen, was a bad idea etc. etc. for all the reasons we have discussed above. Which makes me sound like a lunatic but actually shows that I have moved from thinking this might happen to knowing it won't. Which is a healthy development, I think.

Obviously, this isn't anything I would ever actually say to the OM but it's helping me to get a sense of [cliche alert] closure.

OP posts:

saferniche · 23/08/2013 09:48

If I were you - don't put yourselves in a situation where you're alone with the OM whatever you're telling yourself now. Which you know anyway. Good luck!

Original poster

MiddleAgedCrush · 23/08/2013 10:01

Thanks- yup, I just can't see him anymore, at least not for a very long time. I know I would be back to square one if I did.

BTW upthread, I meant that you should be a counsellor, not be in counselling- hope that was clear! Sorry if not. And thanks for all the advice- much, much appreciated. You are very wise.

OP posts:

saferniche · 23/08/2013 11:11

I knew this - don't worry! I wish I were: wise instead of just wiser.

MexicanHat · 23/08/2013 15:52

Hi again OP. Yes, you would be back at square one. I went NC for well over a month and then OM contacted me via email on my birthday. This resulted in us being back in contact for a month as friends. For the first time I thought about his OH and how she would feel if she knew and what a total rat and game player he really was.

I had already deleted his text number so I then deleted and blocked him on Outlook. It put me right back to square one and I was so low I felt physical pain. I've now been NC for well over a month again and have put plans into place which means I'll never have to see him again. I finally feel strong and empowered and tbh I pity him because I know he will never be truly happy or satisfied. I also pity his OH because she obviously has no idea about our 5 month EA and of the kind of man he really is.

Btw I had conversations in my head too but it didn't stop me I hope your stronger than me x

Original poster

MiddleAgedCrush · 23/08/2013 16:13

Thanks MH. I am sorry for your pain. It comes through in every line. :(

I am reading the Baggage Reclaim NC book and it is very helpful and makes a lot of sense. I need to stay strong, though.

Emotionally unavailable men, eh? Ugh. But perhaps I was doing the same thing.

OP posts:

Original poster

MiddleAgedCrush · 23/08/2013 16:14

I know what you mean about physical pain though. Now I know I can't see him again my stomach clenches.

OP posts:

Original poster

MiddleAgedCrush · 27/08/2013 22:01

Just to update:

One week with no contact. It's hard, but getting easier. Today has been tough- I would normally see him. But I have been OK. Sad, disappointed, but OK.

Natalie Lue's 'No Contact' book and the fantasy one (forgot the title) have been invaluable- essential reading. :)

Thanks for all the advice and hand-holding. Nowhere near 'there' yet (still having fantasy meet-ups in my head) but I am trying hard to limit the mental space I give this.

Hope all who are reading and who contributed to this thread are doing OK. Thanks again. xxx

I'll try and update if I have anything else of use to add (and to stop myself from backsliding).

OP posts:

blueshoes · 27/08/2013 22:11

OP, thanks for the update. Hang in there!

Viking1 · 27/08/2013 22:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

MiddleAgedCrush · 28/08/2013 06:29

Thanks, guys.

Yup, over-thinking and over-analysing is what I do....but it's getting easier. :)

OP posts:

saferniche · 28/08/2013 15:44

well done :) Big hug.

Original poster

MiddleAgedCrush · 28/08/2013 16:28

Thank you. I feel like a better person, at least. Or a bit better, anyway. :)

OP posts:

Original poster

MiddleAgedCrush · 09/09/2013 16:33

Quick update (mainly for myself, but thanks to anyone who reads!)

Three week no contact. I really miss him at the moment. Obviously I'm not going to go and see him but God, it's bad today. Don't know why today, particularly. Got a lot of general work/life stress so maybe I'm fixating on him to distract myself....dunno. Wish I knew when I would stop feeling like this.

I suppose it's just disappointment; disappointment about something that was never going to happen anyway. Or disappointment about an idealised situation and the loss of that ever happening, probably ever again?

I think I am mourning the thing that never happened and might have been; but also it's like a break-up. It's like when you end a relationship/freindship and you REALLY know you mustn't /shouldn't contact them but you kind of want to....to see if they still like you, or think about you....I know he doesn't though.

I still keep wondering what was going on in his head which I know is futile. I will never know, and the answer appears to be 'not much'. So it's a silly question to ask. But I still wonder.

I live very near where he works and keep thinking I might bump into him (possible but unlikely and I sure as hell won't go there! Obv.). Can't quite let it go, even though I know I have to.

Will very probably see him in 6/7 weeks or so....yikes. I'm sure it will be fine (he is unfailingly polite) but I hope to be almost over it by then. Hopefully.

I am very busy which helps, but I feel like a big emotional hole has been left, which again is silly because it was all of my own fantasy creation anyway. Well, I'm sure he liked me/found me attractive but all the rest was in my head.

Read Natalie Leu's book about dreamers and fantasists (forgot the name) and it was really good- it helps to see it in black and white. This thread also helps enormously and I keep coming back and reading it- so thanks. :)

Oh, and I'm in counselling. :) Keep repeating patterns with my emotionally unavailable father-- keep picking the same kind of man- either literally unavailable or emotionally withdrawn.

OP posts:

saferniche · 10/09/2013 08:36

it's taking a long time, isn't it? What a headf**k. But you're not picking this man, it's all a fantasy. You're picking the fantasy. How exhausting your imagination must be! It will fade, honestly, and look very silly in a year's time (in fact you'll forget it). AS LONG AS YOU STAY CLEAR. Boundaries, my girl, boundaries ;)

Original poster

MiddleAgedCrush · 11/09/2013 16:34

Absolutely. Boundaries.

TBH it all looks a bit silly now, and me a grown woman and all! :)

Yes, it's the fantasy I pick; I need to keep telling myself that. Interestingly it's kind of running its course; there was so little to go on that it's getting quite boring to go over the old events; without any fresh meetings, it quite literally goes nowhere so there is no new fuel.

One of the lessons is to not repeat this pattern again.

OP posts:

Palls · 15/01/2018 04:22

Hi Middle-aged crush....I just discovered this thread and just wanted to ask you how did things turn out....did he contact you at all? Or where you able to get over it? I'm not sure you are still around or you'll see this message but if you do....your perspective and experience and help a lot of us ladies! Pinning all my hopes that you will reply......

Olikingcharles · 15/01/2018 05:01

Please muster all the strength you have to cut this of now. I have been where you are sadly i didn't take my own advise and it's ended in one hell of a mess. SO hurt so badly. i'm alone hurt and a mess too. Stop it now before it goes any further take it from someone who knows it's not worth it all in the end. So wish i had someone who could've slapped me back to reality a year or so ago.

Olikingcharles · 15/01/2018 05:09

Silly me i've just realized this thread is pretty old.

Lalimerente · 15/01/2018 15:49

Hello darling
Ah well I know this one only too well

I met me perfect close to eleven years ago and similar everything to you. I went nc because the limerence took over my life for a Long time and it was such a distraction!

I have been now nc for 3 years and mr perfect is remaining perfectly focused on
His own family, as it should...

I still feel limerence but it is less invasive. I only get triggered by mr perfect rocking up on to talking about something perfectly marvellous he has just done. Mr perfect is also perfectly accomplished in his work life....

Still, that s better than the crumbs of an affair that blows two families and a whole community apart....

I wish all the best and please do the right thing for yourself and
Your own me perfect. May he stay like that in your mind forever

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