Normal married life?

[dejectedgull]

I don't really know where to start. I've been reading through threads and some seem so familiar and there's been some really good advice but I wonder if perhaps writing everything down will help me make some sense of my relationship issues.

DH and I have been together 10 years, married 6. We have 2 DC aged 6 and 4. We've had lots of issues. He is quite a negative person and has in the past been angry and miserable a lot. We split for 6 months last year but moved back in together 6 months ago. For the most part we get along well, have a nice life and are happy. I feel guilty after everything we've been through for feeling doubtful about stuff again.

Being apart was horrible. Not actually being apart from DH but having to pass the DC backwards and forwards was awful, utterly truely awful. We all missed our family life SO much. We went to counselling and sorted through a lot of the resentments we (and I in particular) had built up. I really did feel like we had a fresh start. We agreed to put some things into place and DH agreed to stop with the general shouting and chill out about stuff.

These things have slipped a bit but nothing like they were before. I wish I could just enjoy all the good parts. One of our big issues is our sex life and he struggles with it a lot. He really would happily have lots of sex but reluctantly agrees on less as I am not so keen. My problem is that I just don't feel like having sex with him. I haven't lost my sex drive, I still want it a lot but just not with him. He would be heartbroken if he knew I felt that way. Not that I want to go elsewhere, it's not like I'm desperate for it, I can live without it. I just think how nice it would feel to have sex with someone I really fancied.

I can see the other side to this. I know he deserves to have someone really really fancy and want him. I enjoy sex if we have it once a week or so but it's more about the sex and less about the fact that it's with him.

I just feel shite about the whole thing. I wish I could just suck it up and enjoy all the good bits. I feel like I need a kick up the arse and to tell me that marriage is all about compromise and it's normal to feel like this. I mean, honestly actually do people still really fancy their DH after years and years? Do they really? Am I just being self indulgent? When I stop thinking about things too much and let myself just get carried along I'm happy enough, it's only when I stop and actually look at things properly I start doubting. Am I over analysing? I don't know. Sorry it's so long and rambling. Thank you for reading if you have.

Hey dejected- read your post with empathy and understanding- I feel a lot like you do for the most part- been married 11 years in a few weeks and with him for 14 years... Have 3 boys (9, 6 and 3) .life is busy, we both work- stressed to the eyeballs and I feel a bit blah when it comes to sex tbh- just don't fancy him like I did in the early days--- but as u say- how can you? You've been with them for years.
We've also gone thru some shite times too - he wanted to leave us when I was 7 months pregnant with 3rd ds......it was tough but I do believe marriage IS a compromise --- .should we expect to fancy someone for the rest of our lives??? Isn't it expectation vs reality?

I keep having to remind myself that he's a kind , loving , funny man, and i do love him- and he's not that much different since we got married.... It's just me- I'm bored of him - to look at him and have sex with him- i miss the newness and the unknown ....but you know the expression - better the devil you know!

Hey Sarah, thanks for replying. Yes I agree that DH can be kind and funny and we get along well. My problem is that at times he can be really quite mean and self centered. He worries about everything, its as though even if there's nothing to worry about he'll find something. Then he uses that as an excuse when he's horrible.

Every time I try to tell him about how I feel he turns it round on me. In his head it always comes back to not getting good enough sex which puts him in a bad mood. But I've told him I'm happy with once a week and if we keep roughly to that we generally have good sex. He always says its the lack of sex that puts him in a bad mood but in my head him being generally shitty is the cause of me not wanting to have sex with him.

If I tell him this his general answer is 'you know what I'm like I can't change it this is who I am.' But I know that's not the case. When we were separated he worked really hard on how he behaved towards me and was back to his original lovely self. I know he can do it so I know he is choosing not to. Which just doesn't make sense to me.