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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

am i justified in feeling angry with my dh? i have no idea.

6 replies

Fairylea · 21/08/2013 15:28

Dh and I usually have a very strong relationship. I am a sahm and he works full time in a retail type job. We have dd aged 10 (from my previous relationship) and ds 14 months.

Dh suffers with acute anxiety for which he takes daily medication, as do I. I also have thyroid problems and a pituitary problem which often leave me feeling exhausted (I am on medication for these too).

The last few weeks dh has been getting slowly more and more stressed with work, various issues and I have tried to be supportive, listening and offering advice. I can feel he is slipping back into depression and deep anxiety. He revealed he hadn't been taking his pills as he'd run out. So to try and help him I organised a new prescription via the gp for him. However he is extremely snappy with me and I feel like whatever I say to him it just isn't what he wants me to say re work. I feel he thinks I don't understand when in many ways I do - until 2 years ago I used to have quite a senior role in sales and marketing.

I am now at the point where I feel like I don't want to say anything about his work as he is just so negative and snappy back. I am helping him look for other work (I am good at doing his cv etc). I am sympathetic but I just can't seem to say or do the right thing.

Along with this he seems to have cut off emotionally from us at home really. He isn't interacting with the dc as much as usual and is leaving much of it to me. This is out of character for him. He is usually very hands on.

This last week I haven't been feeling well and I have hurt my foot quite badly and finding it hard to get about. He is still leaving most things to me and will randomly announce on a day off he is going for a walk to Tesco or whatever, not offering to take ds with him so it ends up being me looking after the dc again.

Last night he got in from work and said he was going out with his friend from work for the day on Monday. I don't know why this has really annoyed me. We never used to really go out on our own with friends and he's doing it more now. This should be ok as its infrequent but I think coupled with his general mood at home I feel annoyed. He doesn't drink at all by the way so it's not a drinking thing. He will just be looking round the shops.

We don't have any family support from either side. Neither of us speak to our families much. Long story.

I'm feeling really angry with dh now and yet sad at the same time as I really don't know how to help him. I feel unsupported at home.

This will pass won't it? :( am I being horrible? Maybe I should just be picking up the crap and smiling and carrying on. That's what I'm doing at the moment.

OP posts:
Ahhhcrap · 21/08/2013 15:31

Didn't want to read and run...

I think you are justified in feeling the way you do.. You also need support, love and friendship. Whilst I appreciate he's having a hard time if it, due to his behaviour, so are you

Mabelface · 21/08/2013 15:31

I'd be quite blunt with him actually. Along the lines of "I realise that you are struggling at work, but I refuse to be your whipping boy and will only help you if you make the effort to help yourself. You also don't seem to have noticed that I've struggled this week and have left me to get on with it. How can this change?"

Fairylea · 21/08/2013 15:40

Thank you for the quick replies.

I do feel like he's taking things out on me because it's safe, he can't really let rip at work.

I'm quite worried about his mental state when he is like this. I meant to add the other night he woke me up at 1am in tears because he'd decided to put a ring on that I'd brought him when we first got together and he couldn't get it off. Normally that would be funny wouldn't it? But because he was stressed he ended up in tears, waking me up (which I felt angry about though I didn't show it) and trying everything to get it off. I cuddled him and said not to worry and he went to the jewellers to have it cut off the next day.

He is that bad at the moment.

I have tried telling him I am tired but he just doesn't seem to get it. We have a constant row about getting up with ds (who always gets up at 6am).. I don't expect dh to get up as sometimes he doesn't finish work till 10 but I do expect him to get up about 8.30ish to give me a hand and to get up without me having to go and wake him 10 times before he gets up.

Today I'd been amusing ds for 3 hours to give dh a good sleep and then took dh a tea and despite a gentle wake up he had another hour in bed. I then went up to put some washing away and dh was sitting up in bed long finished his tea listening to you tube! Ffs! When I was downstairs hardly even had a cup of tea.

That sort of thing is really pissing me off.

Sorry. I'm ranting.

OP posts:
Ifcatshadthumbs · 21/08/2013 15:46

If he stopped taking his medication suddenly and then missed it for a few weeks before starting to take it again I would imagine this has messed him up quite a bit. I remember coming of citalapram very gradually and I still had side effects.

That said he still has to take responsibility for his medical condition. He should be taking his medication regularly and if he's struggling he needs to go back to the DR ASAP it is not ok for you to suffer because of this.

I think you need to tell him very firmly how he is making you feel.

Jan45 · 21/08/2013 16:46

Regardless of his condition and medication he is treating you like crap, pull him up before it becomes the norm, it's not.

Fairylea · 21/08/2013 18:42

Thank you. I think I just needed people to say I'm not being daft or overreacting... because I do think he's being rude to me at the moment. We've always had a very open and emotional relationship and at the moment it's almost as if he cuts me off mid sentence, as if he totally dismisses what I'm saying. It's making me feel very lonely.

I took the dc out for the day yesterday, which is a big deal for me as a lot of my anxiety is agoraphobia, and he didn't once ask if we had a nice day or even what we did! He "liked" a photo I posted of the kids on my (very private) facebook but that was it! Today he didn't start work until late this afternoon and he spent the whole morning moaning incessantly about his work. He didn't once ask me about my day yesterday or even really talk to ds! (Dd was at her friends).

I guess the fact I feel this is out of character is making me cut him a lot of slack. And you may be right about the medication. I am on citalopram myself and he is on sertraline. Both 10mg. I had terrible pnd after my dd ten years ago and was on 60mg so I know what is like to cut down. Admittedly I never stopped suddenly.

I just feel so unable to cope when he's like this. It's like I'm living with two different men.

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