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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Would this make you suspicious?

26 replies

fluffycar · 21/08/2013 09:30

My DP left for work this morning and left his phone on the side in the kitchen. He is very protective over his phone, but this doesn't really bother me as he has been like this since we first met, so it's not as if it is a new development IYKWIM. I know I shouldn't of looked, but I did. All his messages,both inbox and sent box were deleted, which again is something he does every few days,so again,this didn't make me overly worried. However, the call log shows when a text has been sent as well as when a call has been made.

On here, it showed that during a hour period last night, he and a girl from work text each other 42 times (19 her, 23 him). Now, I know he texts this girl from work sometimes,about work gossip and things like that,but I never knew it was to this extent. He nipped out to get something eat last night then went to visit his mum, and it seems these texts happened whilst he was out. I just think that 42 texts in the space of a hour is way too much. When the girl texts him when I'm with him, he says that she is a weirdo and that he only texts back now and again. He has shown me some of the texts she has sent before (when I've asked) and the texts she sent seemed quite flirty, but as he assured me she was a bit strange, i just took them with a pinch of salt.

So that I don't drip feed, we have been together for over 3 years and have a baby. We have had trust issues in the past (him lying about little things, like girls he's slept with and who he has text) but I thought these were past us. However, just this weekend we had a massive fallout over him lying about something, which I think has brought back all my trust issues.

I just don't know what to do, I am sitting here in tears, my baby is having a nap. I have felt like a mug so many times in this relationship when he has lied and I have found out (he never lies about major things, just little things but they all add up). Reading this back to myself now, I just feel like I have been way too trusting. I feel stupid. It may be innocent, I actually don't think he would cheat on me, but again its lies, I can't stand lying.

This probably makes no sense at all to anyone, so thanks a lot if you have read this far, I just feel like this is the final straw. He is an amazing BF 99% of the time, he really is so caring, romantic and such a good dad, but I just think that i can't live the rest of my life living in fear of the next lie.

OP posts:

Original poster

fluffycar · 21/08/2013 09:30

bump

OP posts:

Original poster

fluffycar · 21/08/2013 09:32

oh and another thing is I checked his facebook as he leaves it logged in on his phone but there was nothing suspicious on there.

OP posts:

mynameisslimshady · 21/08/2013 09:34

The amount of texts isn't unusual. I can send 20 texts about general chit chat without noticing its that much.

The fact he did it while out and deleted the messages is more worrying.

Who sent the first text?

flumperoo · 21/08/2013 09:35

Yes, it's very suspicious. You need to talk to him about it. I wonder what he'll do when he realises he's left this phone at home?

TallyGrenshall · 21/08/2013 09:38

All the talk of her being "a bit strange" a "weirdo" sounds like him trying to feed you a load of bullshit to throw you off imo

He's probably shown you a few of the tame texts, again to throw you off so you don't think you have any reason/right to be suspicious but it sounds wrong to me. 42 times in an hour?! Completely inappropriate

Original poster

fluffycar · 21/08/2013 09:41

mynameis
I have just checked the log and it looks to me ( if i am reading the little arrows right) that he text 4 times before she text him Why would he need to do that? That has just made things worse :(

and flumperoo, I am surprised he even left without it, he would of realised by now, by money is that he will drive home on his lunchbreak to get it.

I feel devastated, but at the same time, I don't want to get angry if it is innocent then I look like the untrustworthy one by going through his phone.

OP posts:

Original poster

fluffycar · 21/08/2013 09:42

That's what I'm thinking now Tally, I feel like such a dickhead

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/08/2013 09:43

I am very sorry but it seems very likely he is conducting an emotional affair with this work colleague of his. Your senses acted the way they did for good reason. He's called her when he went out on some pretext to get something to eat and visiting his mother. He likely did neither and spent all that time calling her instead. He also has form for lying to you as well about lying about ex's and he is likely lying here now re this girl he's calling.

He has covered his tracks well but not well enough.

And no he is not an amazing bf but a liar and cheat. This relationship is based on quicksand. He is devious and holds all the cards here.

Why are you together at all?.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. Honestly, you'd be better off apart, calling him an amazing BF 99% (?) of the time is you in denial and only fooling your own self. You need to face up to the very real possibility that your whole relationship is a sham. He is a rubbish role model for your child to look up to as well.

I would work on rebuilding your own self esteem and worth because he will trash that even further if you were to stay with such a person. You need legal advice as well, who owns the property that you are living in for instance?. I sincerely hope that if it is mortgaged, you are also named on it.

mynameisslimshady · 21/08/2013 10:29

Him texting her 4 times before she replied makes me think it was a pre arranged conversation. Like him telling her he would get away for a while and text her when he did and then sending repeated texts to get her attention.

Have you had a bit more time to think about things, has there been any other odd behaviour?

Jan45 · 21/08/2013 12:43

No, sorry, 42 texts in an hour is just plain suspicious, what the hell can they be talking about if it's work related???

3 years and you've already in the past had trust issues with him, 3 years I'd expect to still be in the honeymoon period with no issues re trust at all; it kinda bodes bad for the future doesn't it.

She's a weirdo but he can't help texting her, even four times before she even answered - again, that doesn't make much sense either.

Smerlin · 21/08/2013 13:09

Very suspicious- sorry.

fifi669 · 21/08/2013 13:20

Doesn't sound great, but I've text a work colleague/friend prob as much within an hour.... Even whilst sat across from one another. Nothing going on, we just moan about the boss, talk about clients, arse about. No affair, no emotional affair, nowt.

The texts in all likelihood aren't sonnets but short sentences. The thing is you don't know because he deletes everything all the time. He may have done that forever but I find that more suspicious than anything else.

Is there anything else to make you doubt him?

Fairenuff · 21/08/2013 13:30

I would hide his phone, pretend you don't know anything about it if he asks, and then see what texts come through.

I'm sure you'll have proof within 24 hours.

WeGotTheKrunk · 21/08/2013 13:43

Save your number under her name in his phone?

WeGotTheKrunk · 21/08/2013 13:46

That way you'll know for sure what kind of thing he's texting her.

And yes, that amount of texting a work colleague would bother me. No way would you text someone 42 times in an hour if you genuinely thought they were a bit weird.

I think you have been way too trusting, like you say in your OP. But that's an easy enough mistake to make. We all want to be able to trust our other halves. Don't beat yourself up about this. Remember, it's him who's been the dickhead, not you. x

sweetpud · 21/08/2013 14:10

You defo need a little more evidence before you decide how you are going to tackle this. I would make a note of her number and the suggestion by WeGotTheKrunk, is a very clever idea too, just make sure your phone is on silent, just incase he is in earshot if he does send a text and it goes to your phone.
It may be hard to hang on and keep tight lipped but I would wait it out, but only until you are sure though, I wouldn't wait for weeks because it will slowly eat away at you, and that is no good.
TBH I would not be happy to let him continue in this way, he shouldn't be texting her about "work" or whatever whilst he is you, and If texts are flirty, then she should back off! How would he feel if you were messaging another bloke, not happy, I bet!

WhiteandGreen · 21/08/2013 14:23

What if the other woman texts him though, wouldn't he then wonder why it's not coming up with her name?

Ahhhcrap · 21/08/2013 15:39

That amount if texts in an hour doesn't sound much..

But sounds like he's keeping it from you as it happened when he nipped out, and he's said he only responds to her now and again.

My DH used to lie about stuff he didn't have, used to drive me insane, he'd say it was because he didn't want to upset me. Trouble was the lying upset me way more than what he was covering up. Sometimes they just need to mtfu and be truthful

StellarLights · 21/08/2013 15:44

I'd hide his phone somewhere for a day and see what texts he got through, if he didn't get any then I would assume that he maybe instigates more conversations than she does and I'd consider saving my number under her name.

If anything dodgy was going on then chances are you'd see for yourself before she text him and he found out.

KatieScarlett2833 · 21/08/2013 15:52

Isn't there a way of retrieving deleted text on a phone ( whistles innocently) I'm sure I read this on another thread.

bestsonever · 21/08/2013 16:02

You don't have trust issues, you have lying DP issues. Think of the future stretching out like this, then think how nice it would be to not have to live that way. This is your choice to fix in whatever way you see you can or live a long time with unease and worry.

MrsWelly · 21/08/2013 17:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhiteandGreen · 21/08/2013 20:56

That many text messages between good friends at work would seem a bit excessive, but could be innocent if they were really good friends. Not feasable if he claims to not really like her.

AcidNails · 21/08/2013 21:28

I don't think the level of texts is a big deal really. I text some of my friends at work that much - obviously not every hour! But it isn't unusual to exchange a lot of texts between us. I also often delete messages as I go, just because I don't like my phone getting clogged up.

But I agree with PP - the lying is a huge deal!

LemonPeculiarJones · 21/08/2013 21:32

Sorry OP. something s definitely going on.

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