I have wasted 4yrs of mine and dcs lives!!! Why couldnt i see it?!

[Goinggreytoosoon]

Me and dp have split again but this time hes gone a step futher and changed his number so i have no contact details for him. Any arrangements re our ds have to go through a member of his family.

I had 2dcs when we got together, we already knew each other so he knew ex had been an arse (dv ea fa stalking harrassmemt etc). We took things slowy and i eventually introduced him to dcs who liked him. Bonus i thought i have now got a lovely dp and happy kids.

Then it started going wrong, arguments, cutting me off from friends. He convinced me he was looking out for me making me and the dcs and i believed.

Over the last 4yrs we have probably split every 4 to 6 weeks all his doing hes always been the one to walk. But cos im soft ive always taken him back. I found out i was pregnant with his dc i told him he changed his number and didnt contact me for 3week and then when he did it was from a private number.

To cut a very long story short, hes cheated on me, shoved me dragged me grabbed me by the throat and smashed my head into the wall, smashed my stuff up .
Hes also held my head under water for a laugh ( i wasnt laughing) gives me dead arms and legs nips me twists my arms back these are things he does messing about.
He would buy me things then take them off me when he decided to split with me.

I waited on him hand and foot, i did everything for him short of wiping his arse!!
He speaks to me like total shite realy disrespectful! No compliments his way off showing affection was to rub my head like you would a dog!!

It all came to a head last week when my ds overheard exdp talking about him badly my ds got upset. I had enough and i flipped. After everything he has put me through ive always been there for him. He was nowhere to be seen when a close family member of mine died. But i made excuses for him like a mug

Ive made a list of the pros and cons of being in a relationship with him and all the things hes done and i ashamed of myself for dragging my kids through the last
4yrs all the shit and arguments.

Why didnt i take the blinkers off and finish it sooner? I am so ashamed im hurt and so confused did he ever love me or was i as he once told me rebound off his ex

Sorry this turned into an essay!!!

Blimey he sounds like a immature bullying twat. You are well off out of it. how old is the child you have with him?

Hes 2.

Exdp has gave my number to his family member who contacts me to make arrangements. I dont need to contact him but hes making look like a stalker by changing his number.

I feel shit and i look in the mirror and theres nothing there nothing behined my eyes. Im just existing. Ive got all the things going round in my head that hes told me i am. It hurts i loved him.

You are none of those things he's told you you are. Don't let this man back in your life, he sounds like an abusive monster.
Goingreytoosoon-you only have one life to live, and you deserve so much than that man in this life, and your children need to either see you on your own and managing without him, or with someone who gives you the love, respect and affection you truly deserve. He is your dc's biological father better to be without him than have that as a role model. ((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))) Stay strong

Also don't look at those years as a waste. You have a beautiful child-and your eyes are open now. Just keep them that way.

Poor you
You overlooked all his many many shit points because he abused you, not because you are a mug. But you are right that your children can't be involved in this any longer. Please contact WA about the freedom programme, it will help to strengthen your resolve and lift the fog that he planted in your brain so you never contemplate taking him back.