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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How do you tell the children?

13 replies

Tottie24 · 20/08/2013 21:22

So my husband and I have decided it best to go our seperate ways, we havent yet discussed custody though i am pretty certain DC's will be staying with me. How do you tell them? they are 5,4 and 2
Would really appreciate some advice as I want them to be as undamaged as possible by this, thanks.

OP posts:

SomerzetMun · 20/08/2013 23:40

Mine are a little older so when we broke the news it was easier, what I would suggest both of you are there and reinforce this is nothing to do with them and you are both still their parents and still love them dearly.

The damage is normally done with how this is dealt with post separation, my mother spent the years after my father left telling me he left us not just her, and that he did this because he is a loser and does not love us etc. this has made me more determined after me and my H split last month to play a neutral face for them and bite my lip! ( despite my own feelings)

With the very little ones I know there are books out there which might help them process the information, my two are teenagers and are still in shock and I know it will take time for the decision to process.

Good luck on your journey, let them now you both love them no matter what, remember kids are tougher than we think :)

pleaseleave · 21/08/2013 00:25

I'd like to hear more advice on this please.
mine are young teens

Bonsoir · 21/08/2013 00:34

It is much easier for small DC to adapt to divorce than it is for older DC. Be factual about their new living and care arrangements and make sure these are consistent. Try not to apportion blame.

Bonsoir · 21/08/2013 00:45

Teens are usually much more resistant to change imposed by parents and grieve their old life in a two parent family. They need their new one parent families to be hyper sensitive to their needs and real havens of attention and love for a long time.

Lweji · 21/08/2013 07:28

If you can, sort out custody first, broadly, so that you can answer any questions.

Young children respond to your mood, so be as factual and unemotional as possible.
Don't be nervous. If you are calm they will be too.

Make sure to remind them that they are still loved by both of you and that both still work together as parents, just won't be living in the same house.

pleaseleave · 21/08/2013 17:30

any more advice ?
I am doing this tomorrow

KissMeHardy · 21/08/2013 17:37

My son was only 4. We just told him Daddy was buying another house and he (son) could have his own bedroom there as well when he went to stay. He didn't ask any questions and just accepted the 2 houses.

More difficult with older ones, though.

Original poster

Tottie24 · 22/08/2013 00:04

Thanks for the advice, Im still not feeling clear enough in my head to deal with telling the DC'S yet. H true to form hasn't brought up custody, just what shall I do , where shall I go - affirming the right decision has been made, soon I will ask him if he has any thoughts on the matter.
pleaseleave I hope it went ok, what ages are your kids, and their reactions? hope you are ok and feeling some relief for getting it over with

OP posts:

SomerzetMun · 22/08/2013 20:56

Relate can help with this, we have recently been to relate as we are separating after 19 years. As long as the children no matter what age they are understand it is nothing to do with them and nothing they have done has caused this you are doing okay.

Original poster

Tottie24 · 22/08/2013 21:29

Thanks, I shall make certain that that is very clear for them.

OP posts:

sttressedmum · 22/08/2013 21:38

hi all I had to do this a few weeks ago but ibhad to do it on my own my dcs r 5 and 7 what I said was daddy isnt coming home its not that he doesnt love u we just cant stay together anymore we love u just the same and u will sti see ur dad he is staying with nan just now but wont be back living here it was the hardest thing to do mu ds 5 took it in his stride but dd7 is struggleing as shes a daddys girl x

Original poster

Tottie24 · 23/08/2013 22:02

thanks sttressedmum I suspect that I will have to do it on my own too, my ex is far more concerned about how this is going to effect him and busy finding solicitors than worry about telling the DC's. I hope your daughter comes round soon xx

OP posts:

skat73 · 23/08/2013 22:12

I had to tell my 5 year old on Sunday. We just said daddy getting new house and she will still see him loads and will have sleep overs etc. Tried to keep it matter of fact she has had a few wobbles this week I think she accepts it but she is bright and I think she gets it really. It's been heartbreaking and hard and im fully accepting that its gonna be hard for a lot longer yet.

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