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Original poster

4 people, a day out - your dp and 3 women - is that odd?

71 replies

Balancinglife · 20/08/2013 19:28

I don't quite know what to make of this.

My dp told me he had been invited to an outdoor activity.
Fine. Though he didn't say much about it and usually he wants to show me photos and tell me all about it which he didn't this time.. He left before 8am, I checked and it was an hour away. Text me 12noon to say he had finished his activity and got home at 4pm, saying he had lunch.

It was only after he posted photos online that I realised he was the only male along with 3 women (not work colleagues)

And I'm not altogether happy as we have boundaries in place, supposed to be open and all that after a past infidelity on his part.

OP posts:
Original poster
Balancinglife · 21/08/2013 09:34

I cant remember what its called. You roll down a hill in a plastic ball

OP posts:
Looksgoodingravy · 21/08/2013 09:46

He should have talked to you before the event especially with the past infidelity and the fact that you've talked about boundaries.

FWIW I'd feel exactly the same, dp and I also have boundaries due to past infidelities and if he did something like this without mentioning anything and then let me find out through photos I'd be mighty pissed off tbh.

Communication - it doesn't take much!

Looksgoodingravy · 21/08/2013 09:51

It's like he's trivialising the pain he caused you in the past.

Infidelity changes relationships, it takes time to heal and build up the trust that has been shattered.

How long ago was the infidelity?

AnyFucker · 21/08/2013 09:57

Roll down the hill in a plastic ball ?

Gosh, do grown ups do that ?

That probably wasn't very helpful, sorry

Were you invited ? Is it four to a ball (as it were) or is it individual balls ?

InternationalPower · 21/08/2013 10:00

What's the club? - surely it's not a rolling down the hill in a plastic ball club?!

Original poster
Balancinglife · 21/08/2013 10:03

I found out the full extent 18 months ago. Saying that he has been on 3 weekends away this year where its been mixed male/ female and I have been fine but he has told me first and shown me all the photos. This time he was too quiet. I had to ask him about it.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 21/08/2013 10:06

I am guessing you are very upset, but with your stilted posting style and having to keep asking for relevant information you are difficult to help.

What is this "group" they are all members of and were you invited ?

Feelingworried67 · 21/08/2013 10:07

Hmmm, I'd be suspicious... Have you confronted him, what is his response?

I feel your drip feeding a bit Hmm

Looksgoodingravy · 21/08/2013 10:09

It's called Zorbing when you roll inside a huge inflatable ball type thing.

I don't know if I'd be suspicious, I'd just feel pissed off that he hasn't mentioned anything, which tells me he probably knew what your response would be.

Think you need to talk about boundaries again with him.

Looksgoodingravy · 21/08/2013 10:11

And yes, I'd want to know why I hadn't been invited along.

TwoStepsBeyond · 21/08/2013 10:27

But surely the 'zorbing' is not something you do as part of a club on a regular basis, its something you do for a laugh with your friends as a one-off or the type of thing you do on a date .

Its a bit different from the OP, which made it sound like they went climbing or playing tennis etc where you are part of a club and you all go and do your chosen activity together on a weekly basis, its more like he was invited to the pub with 3 female friends and they went zorbing too.

If you trust him, then fair enough, but obviously - and with good reason - you don't, so in my book, he was out of order for not explaining who he was going with and for not being more transparent about it when he got back. The fact that you've had to do some digging to see photos doesn't sound like he's being up front about it. You need to ask why.

DottyDot · 21/08/2013 10:27

obviously you've got reason to be apprehensive about this, given the previous infidelity, but just to say that I used to go out relatively regularly with 2 - 3 men as the only woman and it wasn't strange at all - we shared a love of pub crawling in Chorlton and dp wasn't at all interested/bothered about coming along. It's more or less stopped now due to most of them partnering up and having small babies, so more limited social lives but it used to be good fun and not at all 'dodgy'.

So it could be completely innocent and just your dp having fun with friends.

TwoStepsBeyond · 21/08/2013 10:31

and wasting family money on rolling down a hill in a ball would piss me off too.

2rebecca · 21/08/2013 10:41

If there were 3 women it sounds innocent, I've been out in groups of blokes in activities and my husband does music related things where it's often him and a group of women.
The lack of discussion about who was going would bother me though, plus were you invited to go along to watch/ take photos/ for the kids to watch their dad rolling down a hill in a ball?

ExitPursuedByABear · 21/08/2013 10:46

So is there a zorbing club?

I was trying to imagine if I did my hobby and went out horse riding with three men whether DH would think it odd. Or if he went out bike riding with three women. Hang on, wasn't there a thread a while ago about a man and a woman cycling together?

Sorry, but I would find it suspicious that it took all day. And I also find it odd that this is done as a hobby rather than a one off bit of fun.

BalloonSlayer · 21/08/2013 10:49

Hamster club?

worldcitizen · 21/08/2013 10:53

OP, I only know men who do this activity as part of a fun afternoon/evening including pub crawl etc.
Either all men OR mixed group, but everyone is sort of involved in the planning activity.

I only know men planning something like this in a group with females only, if there is ONE woman he is interested in.
Why being secretive, why being cagey about it, they're not even co-workers or friends you know as well????
And posting photos afterwards doesn't mean that there is not ONE particular woman some flirting and some getting-to-know-better was going on with.

And spending money and (precious) time like this would be a dealbreaker for me, especially since there is a back story to this.

I used to have a male co-worker, late 50's, who fancied another co-worker (female late 20's). We all didn't know.
All I have noticed is how often he was the initiator of group outings, let's go have lunch sort of thing, organising free theatre tickets for ALL of us, wanting to organise a long weekend trip to another country etc.

Turned out he was so madly in love with her. He is 31 years married with 3 children ( between 23 and 27) and after almost one year he started making passes as in sending texts, trying to call her etc.
That's when the penny dropped and it all went ugly. She reported him and she invloved all of us and asked for support etc. and he had to leave to a different department and all that.

I don't know, if this story highlights anything. But all I wanted to say is, that in my experience men can have a long breath and disguise their doings, so it seems to look all so innocent.

Original poster
Balancinglife · 21/08/2013 11:02

Sorry, not meaning to drip feed. Was working 11 hours yesterday, 12 today prob as its busy. And my replies are just quickly on my phone as Im working.

OP posts:
JustinBsMum · 21/08/2013 11:33

Well, it sounds a great idea, what fun, you would like to join them next time, wouldn't you.

AnyFucker · 21/08/2013 11:40

Ugh it sounds utterly grim to me. But yes, why weren't you invited. ?

SarahBumBarer · 21/08/2013 11:54

I'm a grown up and I would LOVE to do zorbing!!!

OP was the caginess just about not wanting to cause a ruckus because he was spending money on this activity rather than hiding anything about it being with 3 women? I'm not saying that is OK just that it seems to me that is more likely to be what the caginess is about - the situation is not screaming infidelity to me.

Were the photos posted somewhere that he would know that you were likely to see them?

Floggingmolly · 21/08/2013 11:56

Social network friends Hmm. So he met them on Facebook? Do they even know about you? Because if they do, it's extremely odd that the invitation wasn't extended to you as well.

Looksgoodingravy · 21/08/2013 12:09

Ds (aged 6) has had a go at Zorbing many times.

The child in me would like to try it!

Dp wouldn't dream of doing this. If he wanted to go out with mutual friends fine, he now knows however that to do as your dh did with friends outside of the relationship (in particular those on social networking sites (fb)) is a big no no! Not unless I was included.

I think he's been completely disrespectful to your feelings!

Fairenuff · 21/08/2013 13:22

He left before 8 and was home by 4 (8 hours)
The activity was an hour away so 2 hours travelling (leaves 6 hours)
The activity itself lasted an hour (leaving 5 hours)
Lunch could take two hours.

That still leaves 3 hours unaccounted for.

Why don't you ask him:

What time did the activity start
What time did it end
What did he do for the other three hours

And why is he spending money you can't afford?

Original poster
Balancinglife · 21/08/2013 13:35

Thank you all for your input.

It seems he was asked by someone who is a member of a club he goes to, the other 2 women were her friends. Lunch took place at some point.

8 hours away, activities 2 hours max, 2 hours travel, so lunch obviously took 4 hours.

I'm not interested in rolling down a hill in a plastic ball especially when we had a huge car repair bill this month which was not much off 1k :-( I could add another 1k including the roof repair, of which he has no money to pay towards.

And I wasn't asked because He didn't think it was my type of thing....

Big sigh

OP posts:
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