I'm in a really horrible situation.

[ThatBintAgain]

I just need to vent about this: at the start of the summer holidays DH and I were planning to take two weeks holiday but to stagger them so that we had 1 week together but covered 3 weeks of the childcare. My mother said that we should take the two weeks together and that she would help us out with the kids so that we could.

She helped us out for three days the first week they had off, we cobbled through the second week and are just back from two weeks camping together. I asked my mum if she could help us out this week and she was a bit vague, so I rang again because I was running out of time to book them into holiday club if not. She finally told me that she can't look after both my boys at the same time anymore as DS2 is quiet and lovely but DS1 is too difficult.

They are 5 and 7 and they are bloody hard work but this really saddens me as it feels like there's more to it. I've suspected for about a year that she has problems with my DS1 and I mentioned it to my DH a long time ago but he thought I was probably reading too much into it. But I've noticed when speaking to her that DS2 can't do a thing wrong and DS1 can't do a thing right; I don't think she's had anything positive to say about him in a very long time.

Plus now I can't get them into holiday club this week so I feel royally screwed over. This whole situation has made me feel really awful, but there's no point talking to her about it as she'd probably just go really odd and cut me out. (We previously had 8 years of no contact because she went in strop over something (I still don't know what).

I don't even know what anyone can say, I just needed to get this out.

I'm sorry you are going through this. It must be hard for you to have your Mother pretty much tell you that

I think you need to limit the time that your DC spend with your Mother. I don't think it is uncommon for an elder child to get the blame for everything and the younger one to be held up as the angel.

I also don't think you should worry about her possible going NC, if she is that easily put into a strop I really don't think it would be a great loss to you.

The main thing you need to remember is that this is not your son's fault. No child needs to be painted in a corner by an adult as 'the difficult one'. Plenty of adults here on MN will tell you how that worked out for them and how they felt about it.

I get that you're upset but it sounds to me you're more upset by potentially falling out with your mum and the resulting lack of childcare or a relationship with her or whatever. You should be angry about her attitude towards your precious son. So what if she didn't speak to you for 8 years? All that says is that she's emotionally immature. Do you want someone like that in charge of your kids?

Factor her out of the equation for future childcare and just put lots of work into find other, better, options for yourself. Also distance yourself and if she asks tell her why. You child is your no. 1 priority, not your mother.

Thanks Lemon. I've been thinking along those lines myself - having grown up in a family where very blatant and damaging favouring of one child over the others was the norm I never ever want to expose mine to that.

I'm just feeling a bit sorry for myself because that's the situation with my mother, she wasn't around when I was growing up and my father who I did grow up with was emotionally and physically abusive and when I was old enough to challenge this I was isolated from my "family" altogether. I think I got dealt a fairly shitty hand and it's hard not to blame myself, and I'm sorry for my kids as well. That conversation has just raised all these feelings again and even though I'm pushing 40 it never seems to get easier to take.

Helltotheno you're spot on and when I was growing up it I was "the difficult one". I'm really really pissed off on many levels about it but ultimately the whole thing just makes me very sad.

It isn't your fault OP. I'm sure you've gone the route of counselling, but if not, it might help you sort things out in your head.

After your update, I strongly suggest you stop leaving your DC in your DM's care.

I agree that you should consider cutting contact with your mother. Your DC are your priority. Her interference could get more malign when your boys get older. Teenagers are very self centred at times and the 'favourite' one could be easily manipulated by your mother to the detriment of your relationship with your boys. I have seen this happen to friends and it ended up pretty badly.

If you keep a relationship with her be extremely clear with her about her boundaries and ensure that she doesn't interfere with your parenting. Please don't blame yourself for your past. You definitely got a shitty deal but that's over now. Try to care less about her because sad as it is she wasn't exactly a great parent. Instead of feeling put out focus on enjoying the time with your boys.

I have had counselling a few times but it feels like I need it as on ongoing thing at the moment! (Which I sadly can't afford.) Thanks everyone for the replies, it helps to keep things in perspective as I start to doubt my own judgement in situations like this. x

Are there holiday clubs near where you work? Where your H works? Don't give up!

Lesson learned, your mum is not to be relied upon, and tbh sounds like she's not ideal to be looking after the dc anyway!

I think we'll be ok every day except today - DH has had to take unpaid leave.

I can get them into holiday club the rest of the days, just means I have to find the £45 per day it costs that I hadn't bargained for.