Mum's 60th- what to do

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My mum is 60 later this year and plans to have a party. My mum doesn't do a lot practically to help us and our 2 under 2's. She sometimes helps financially.
Anyway she's quite high maintenance and puts a lot of pressure on me, often telling me I'm not a very nice person.

She lives about 4 hrs drive away. Her birthday falls at a time when my husband works nights, can't swap shifts etc. I am also very nervous driving on my own at moment because of sleep deprivation and recent car accident.
I feel that I would find travelling on train on my own with a 7 month old, 2.5 yr old and all the cot, pushchair, sterliser etc too much. I know some people may not but I'm quite an anxious person and find the thought of it very stressful.
So I'm planning to tell them that with a heavy heart I am no able to make it unless I can get someone to travel with me.
Do you think that is a terrible thing to do? I am just so worried that I will be perceived as being selfish and not bothered.

Your mum sounds as if she will see you as selfish. So get in her good books and go. Lets go thru all ways to go. As party is later this year, are you sure your husband couldn't get night off or switch shifts. Lots of notice, surely somebody will swap, or he can take a days holiday. If not.

Are you staying at parents house after party? surely family can all muck in. My mil gets lend of travel cot and buggy from family. We just make do for a day or so. can hubby drop you off for overnight stay. Can he take you to station and family meet you other end? You must ask your family for help.You don't have to do this on your own. If you are visiting parents or they are visiting you before party, get all necessary into their house before you arrive. Don't ask if they'll have it, just give it to them and thank them profusely, bunch of flowers too. Where there's a will there's a way. Talk with hubby or pal the ways to get there, not the reasons not to go. Just do it. You will be proud of what you achieved.

Thanks taffy. My DH doesn't drive and my mum won't and never has picked me up. She won't and never has changed a nappy and none of my family will help. Again wont and never have. If I go it will be me on my own and no help when I arrive.

Quite honestly, given what you've said about your mum and the way she belittles/criticises you, I wouldn't go.

She might be your mum but if she tells you that you're not a very nice person, she can't be surprised if you don't want to be around her!

Sorry, this sounds shit for you quite frankly.

Sounds like too much of a struggle with such little ones only to have your mother insulting you at the end of it.

Don't go. Kill her with kindness, apologise profusely and gushingly to every family member you can though, and arrange for champagne or flowers to be delivered during the party. That way at least everyone else will be on your side and she'll find it much harder to put you down.

Would you be staying at your mums or with another member of the family or would you be expected to do 2 x 4 hour journeys in one day? If the latter, then its a straight 'no'. Otherwise if I were you I'd think about it just to keep the peace.

However, its your choice and you shouldn't feel obliged to go if its going to be a misery for your children and stressful for you.

It might be an idea to celebrate with her at another time when your husband can come with you, or get her a really lovely gift. Make sure you phone everyone for advice on the gift so that if she bad-mouths you they know you have been thoughtful.

Thanks everyone for this. I'm not too worried what other family members think because it's unlikely any will be there, except my brother who understands my situation completely.
My mum's family are overseas and her husband doesn't have an extended family. I don't want to upset her.
I'm going to write to her partner to explain. The other thing is, I sat my mum down a couple of months ago and explained I was not likely to make it. She seemed okay with it. However as usual she's blanked the conversation and asked her DP to write to me asking me if I'm coming.
I feel pretty shitty, but think it s maybe et to decline but send flowers etc and take her or lunch when she visits next.