Separated but married man - his wife suddenly having a change of heart

[Paulina321]

I am not sure how to cope with this one (sorry name changed just in case).

Have been seeing new dp for around 9-12 months. He has been separated for a while and had been in the process of finalising the divorce. Their house on the market etc. He has 2 boys.

His wife appeared fully signed up to splitting up. Had gone along to see the divorce lawyers, agreed with the house going on the market but has suddenly started backpedalling.

The only reason I am writing about this is I am concerned about the impact on her, their children, dp and my children (I also have 2). She has started threatening to kill herself, threatening to kill me (I have not heard her say this, but dp came back ashen after one meeting with her telling me this), she has threatened me personally in the street, she has told me she will ruin my life, that at one point she took dp's phone when they had a meeting and she pretended hers was out of battery and copied every message we had sent each other (dp and me) and forwarded it to herself so she can publish any lewd messages publicly so people can see what I am like (this included one ahem naughty photo which I happened to send dp when I was away for a few weeks :(. She has copied this and is threatening to post it on facebook). She has gone to her children's school and has told them any reason for bad behaviour (one of them has been suspended 3 times, this started before I was involved) is because their father has been seeing a whore etc. etc. She turned up at the house recently screaming obscenities out the window at me (like slag, whore, bitch). Luckily my children happened to be out but they could have been in...

This is, of course, dp's issue but being his partner and having been threatened myself and with her behaving like this in front of the children, I am now at a loss as to what to do.

I can understand that you may think you want to divorce and then when your partner starts seeing someone else, it all becomes a bit too real but even I am gobsmacked by the complete turn around. Dp is trying to deal with it but tbh, is so concerned about the impact on his ds's that I think is giving in to her blackmailing a bit too quickly (having said that, it is v difficult if you think someone is that unstable). I am sure dp won't go back to her but she is now making him dance a merry tune and ultimately, it is driving him almost to the point of depression as he does not know how to 'fix' the situation. He told me yesterday he is feeling physically ill from all the stress of her behaviour.

I think you need to leave him to sort it out and just try to avoid having anything to do with her.

You need space away from each other ,he needs to do what he needs to do without the added stress of trying to maintain another relationship ,which also sounds like it is triggering more of his ex's bad and unstable behaviour. Doesn't sound like he is any condition for your relationship.

" She has gone to her children's school and has told them any reason for bad behaviour (one of them has been suspended 3 times, this started before I was involved) is because their father has been seeing a whore etc. etc"

I'm sure she wouldn't have worded it quite like that, the school would have been a bit

Agree with the previous posters, leave them to sort it out.

Sounds like she's harassing you, which is a criminal offence. Your DP can't fix the situation, and she needs reporting to the police.

If someone threatens you then the police should be involved (and they can act to keep you, him and the children safe), if you do this then the solicitor needs to have the case reference number, with regards to contact between him and his ex that should only be about child care arrangements any thing else i would screen shot (copy) and send straight to the solicitor. The solicitor should be informed of all the issues going on. Copy and note down all communication with her, times and dates etc. he needs to stop his ex from spilling over into the now, protect his children as well as you, by being proactive and disengage from her manipulations.
He needs to inform the children's school, Dr's etc. you would do well in logging how this is effecting you with your gp too (may be needed in court, to show abusive behaviour).
Your dp may also like to look into counselling for his children, either through their school (which is what I would do) or gp. I would suggest counselling for him before he gets dragged down with depression.

Good luck op, please see that there are things that can be done, she can not go around behaving like this, poor children!

sadly she did say that at the school as one of my friend's children is also at the school (it's a small private school so not many in his year group) and the ex went in one morning and spoke to the other parents and then had a meeting with the school. Apparently the school want the boys to leave - the ex suspects this (I think they are often in trouble there) - and is coming up with reasons that aren't to do with her and dp to try and get them to keep them. I honestly try and keep out of that but heard via other people.

I am giving him space to sort it out. I don't particularly want to 'leave him' physically - we are a team now and we do support each other and I do love him. I don't think he is stressed by our relationship but I think he would certainly be stressed if I said i was going to leave because his ex was causing trouble.

If I call the police, and I was tempted after she came round to the house shouting at me, then I am getting myself squarely involved but I don't think I should for now. On the otherhand, I am not sure at what point I have to decide I've had enough and do take a step to try and stop her coming after me/the children.

You are involved already. Her threatening you is enough to make you take steps.

yes god I feel sorry for those children :(

it is so tempting to slag off your ex/new partner in front of your kids. I have dcs myself and I know what it feels like but for their sake, you have to try so hard not to :(.

His ds's, who I have met, are now refusing to see dp and have told him, when he went round to try and get them, that he is sleeping with a 'slag' (this is what his ex calls me) and they want nothing to do with him (they are 12, 13).

it is the way his kids are that is affecting him so badly, it is really hurting him because he loves his boys tbh.

The ex is behaving in a very explosive and destructive way, boundaries need to be put around this behaviour. The police and solicitor can do this, but they need input from him and you. The school must be informed in s none judgemental way the situation that the children are in. The mother does not seem very stable right now, this needs to be dealt with carefully and respectfully.

The court can order that each parent does not speak badly of the other, I have had to do this with my abusive arse of an ex.
I would try to get cafcass involved as they are there to act within the child's best interest, but your dp needs to log everything with his solicitor.

yes, I too think someone needs to talk to the school, probably dp without his ex. His ds's miss a lot of school as the ex doesn't make them go in so I imagine they are on some sort of watch list for attendance (if they were at state school, I am guessing the early intervention for non attendance that we have round here would have kicked in already).

The eldest one came round to see me on his own a few weeks ago in floods of tears. Started off very angry with me but ended up sobbing in my arms saying how much he loved his dad and he wished everything was normal :(. I don't really think he has anyone to talk to who isn't biased - I know that sounds odd but his mum is very anti his dad and me, his dad tells him how much he loves him but doesn't really talk about his mum and he seemed to think he could speak to me about it all but it's very hard for me to comment :( as I have to be careful what I say other than reiterating that both his parents love him very much and it isn't his fault.

thanks face, I will do that. I think cafcass is actually a good idea.

I am sure that delivering threats in this way is a criminal offence. She should be reported to the police for her threats against you re the publishing of texts and photographs. How your DP deals with her is up to him. But if it was me I'd be thinking about making a formal complaint.

Yes, those threats and behaviour towards you need reporting. Phone 101.

My dp (now of 4 years) had same bunny boiler experience with his ex; we started seeing each other after she had walked out, she then had change of heart and went beserk after she found she was no longer welcome. This included moving back into his house for over a year and waging a campaign of hatred and violence against him, me and my ds, all with their dc present. Included attacking my ds at school bus stop, vindicative gossip campaign (inc fb), threatening dp and me with knife, false allegations of abuse etc etc.
So advice; Call the police. They don't care about circumstances only if crime commited ("I see women like that all the time" said one to me). Dps ex got caution and they called social services who threatened to remove dc from her care. This appeared on cafcass records.

Another thought - I also started injunction to protect my son and her solicitor then gave written assurances that she would keep away from my ds. I would do this if needed.
All this quietened her down and at least protected us from her.
Longer term things will settle down but with repercussions. My dp ex of course tried to prevent contact between dp and dc. He got court order for contact and you will need one too I expect. Good news is my ds fine and dps ds came through ok but shaken and now sends a lot of time with us or friends, in fact anyone but bitter twisted mum. But sadly Dps dd is complete mess and won't see him. We became a much stronger couple for having stuck together through this crap and now laugh about it and are happy getting on with our new life together.

Ps frgot to say, as op suggests, keep a diary of events. Police and solicitors will find this very useful inc for any injunction

thanks very much, that's very useful advice. I will start keeping a diary immediately. Thankfully we are going away for a few days now so I am hoping we get some peace and quiet from it all just for a little while! When I get back, I will speak to the solicitor straight away.

Poor you, I thought I had it bad with DP's ex, but I've nothing on you!!

Of course you want to be there for him but please be aware that this can take a big toll on you if you're not careful. I found myself suffering the symptoms of stress and anxiety when things were at their worst.

I second speaking to school and the police. We also tried Relate so DP could find out how best to talk about everything with the kids but he found it hard to open up (he thought the counsellor was one of his ex's friend's mum). I thought it was quite useful though.

Make sure DP keeps copies of correspondence and does; delete it for whatever reason.

Good luck x