Feel so alone, not sure if I can do anything though :(

[Gonnabmummy]

Hmm well I could garble on loads but I will try keep it short.
I'm currently 38+6 preg with our first! :) DP and I met at work, a really busy hotel. I was a full time waitress and he was a chef.
As a couple we get on brilliantly, I love him with everything in me and I know he does the same. This is where my problem lies.

After agreeing to TTC we spoke about work and the shifts we had to do, he said he didn't want to carry on in that job or profession long term as he would never see ds. I agreed but he obviously can't just leave his job with nothing else.
So now we've got close to the time he's started applying for lots of other jobs. None will pay as well as this but we'll make ends meet, money isn't everything I would rather he spent some nights at home etc.

Our work is incredibly busy beyond belief and DP only get one straight shift a week the rest are splits. A typical week day involves leaving at 8am then getting home at 2:50pm, eating. Setting off again at 4:20pm and not returning to around 11pm.
A weekend more often than not involves leaving at 8 and returning at around midnight, because he finishes later in afternoon so by the time he would get home it would be around 3:45/4pm and he has to go back at 4:20pm so there no point.

My problem is he can't do anything about this apart from finding a new job which he is trying to do but he has only ever done chefing so I'm not holding my breath.

Thursday to Sunday this week he hasn't made it home in the afternoon due to huge marquee event, it all got the better of me and I cried for ages telling DP I feel so alone and I feel single. He was very upset also and got rather teary. But atm there's nothing we can do, he's absolutely knackered when he comes home so we have about 30/45 mins before we go to bed. That's it a day :(

Don't really know what I'm asking for here, support, similar stories or something. What can I do while he looks for other work? Am I just being a silly preg lady and should I suck it up as he's working hard to support us and is powerless to do anything else until he get a job offer?

I'm sure someone wiser will be here soon, but maybe a positive you can think about is that he cares too. It doesn't sound like he's working all hours and not worried about how it affects you.

It sounds really tough for you but knowing you are sharing that toughness (emotionally) with your DP might be a help?

PS will he get paternity leave? That might be a really helpful week or two to reconnect as a family (of three )

I understand your upset, but I also really respect your partner for working his ass off. There's nothing he can do about his hours until he finds a new job. Perhaps you could connect with other women in your area at antenatal classes? What about family?

My husband works long hours & he doesn't like being away from the family, but you can be strong & self-reliant.

I know he is but it's so hard to find time together. Yes he is getting 2 weeks paternity then 2 weeks hol so 4 weeks off :)
I can't wait for this time together but I'm also thinking about when it comes to an end before we know Xmas parties will have started and ill be alone with baby. This will push him also as this is what he dreads happening.
It's an awful situation and we both feel so helpless and at a loss.
We tried to speak with boss re flexitime all we asked was that one day a week he could do a 9-5 instead of the 2pm start shift, still the same hours but we were shot down in flames.
I have family in area, dad doesn't get in from work til 7 sometimes 8 pm so don't often see him much. Even if I do to out I will just have a tea and an hour or so there then the rest of the day alone.
Once LO rocks up I plan on filling a lot of time at mother baby type groups but its the time as a 3 I want the most :( we have a small aquarium right by us and the Season pass prices are fantastic only about £20 so we can go on his days off.

But it's just while he's still there it's every bathtime every bedtime apart from his 2 days off he will miss. Every thread says about keeping close with partner once LO a bed take time together say from 8pm watch a film eat together etc, I can't have this luxury because he won't be here at night :(

I also worry for him coming home so late means we to to bed every night around 12/12:30 am and he is up at 7am. Which is only just enough sleep but combine that with several awakenings in the night I dread him not being able to manage or really hurting himself at work/travelling.
I can only hope he gets a job offer ASAP but like I say he only has chefing exp and its all pretty much the same hours.
Other jobs in retail pop up but are in huge demand and with no exp at all he won't be high in rankings hopefully we'll get lucky

My friends husband was a chef and when their baby came along he became an NVQ assessor for a local college so there are options for him. My friends husband now works office type hours but he does occasional speciality evenings and events as a top up.

With regards to the sleeping thing, you do get used to sleep deprivation and some babies are not that bad, none of mine have been up all night unless they've been ill after about 6 weeks.

To be honest, my childrens Dad never did bed/bath time. He is not a chef but self-employed. Women with partners in the forces don't get this luxury either. We are all fed this ideal of perfect living but for the majority it is far from the truth.

Try not to worry about this too much as it might not be the issue yu think it will be. Remember that the early days are hard but that they pass and we all find our own rhythm and what works for us.

Thanks saggy I've just been looking on our local council site and they have a lot of apprenticeships available some he would be really interested in. However the drop in income is immense would cover rent just, so I have emailed to see if we would be entitled to any other benefits not sure we would as its training not employment I think? Just a way of getting a foot on the ladder.
I eagerly await their reply.

The Benefits Agency will not want to know. Their line is, your partner is already trained to do a job that earns him the minimum wage so retraining is not a priority. With regards to Housing Benefit etc/Income Support, they usually stipulate that you have to be actively seeking work, so if you are retraining this is not the case :(

However there is a box on the form that says you will make yourself available for work i.e. leave your training course if they find you work. In reality, the Job Centre are about as likely to find someone suitable work as I am of winning the lottery tonight If you are returning to your job then you can say that whatever they do find won't work because of your shifts, childcare etc....

Another thought is, and this depends on the sort of person your DP is, are courses whereby you receive a bursary (such as NHS courses like nursing etc)?

This was perhaps a plan the wrong way around. Hindsight is a beautiful thing, change job then TTC being a better plan. Sounds like you are both on the same page howerver, so may be ok struggling on till things improve. Make sure your future plans are well thought through, perhaps options for your DP and yourself to both retrain, as neither of your careers have family friendly hours. Then actively work towards change, there will be light at the end of the tunnel.

The hours are crappy but we are financially stable I'm very happy with how things are just not when he's busy. Hopefully it will get better because when he took the job he had to opt out of the working time directive so he would do more than 48 hours which goes unpaid every week! he's now opted back in but there's a three month cooling off period. Which will mean after his leave he has one month left before it comes into effect.
He knows he might be waiting a while for a decent job but at least we are sensible enough to not do anything rash. It's just the way it is unfortunately there's more chef jobs than you can shake a stick at here but all want full time split shifts. If we could find one with straights or splits with less hours it would be great.
I doubt he will ever get a shop based job as 100s are applying and I bet a few have retail exp.