It feels I am testing my Friendship out, am I right to be doing this?

[sweetpud]

I have been here a couple of times before and always had sound support, and this morning I would appreciate any further advice or suggestions.
I have a pal who I've know for 16 years now but over the last 18 months it appears like she has moved on to other "friends".
I will fill in the gaps, but just to explain about how I'm feeling today, I just need to go back to the weekend before last!

I messaged and told her something a couple of weeks ago which i think made my pal think of our friendship a little, and I know she had been thinking of all our good times in the past and some of our old friends and she messaged me to say about meeting up for lunch that Tues or Weds. I replied back and said yes that it would be great, and thought to myself that it was about time we did, she told me she would be in touch on the Monday.
No contact at all by the Weds morning and I kind of knew that I wasn't going to hear anything, so I messaged to ask if she had forgot about our lunch date! I received a text back saying she had been really busy ( no apology) at home etc, and that could we do it this Tues instead, said she would ring or text me!

I love my old pal, but here I am sitting and waiting, and in a way I am hoping that she lets me down again because that will prove me right, and it will feel a bit more final this time. Like i've had enought!
Does that sound wrong?

I am so tempted to message her to ask whats happening but I am trying to wait it out till at least lunchtime, then I know that I will have a choice to either let it go again or confront her with the truth this time. We used to be so close, but then she "found " a new circle of friends and contact with me got less and less.

I've been let down so many times lately, including no longer getting in touch with me on Mothers day, which she always used to in the past, because I lost my mum a couple of years ago. Sadly I also lost my dad a short while after that, and though she was around for me then, it doesn't seem to matter any longer now time has passed.

About a month ago I decided that i would start to sit back a bit and not let all this get to me anymore, and so days turned to weeks before I would be contacted, most annoyingly it was usually because a favour was needed. If I was away for a few days or on holiday, then I would get a message saying "why didn't you tell me you were away, I had no idea".
Well I just thought to myself that its probably because you don't bother with me anymore, its like out of sight, out of mind!

My Birthday was almost forgotten too, with my DS and DH's completely forgotten about this year.
Its her Birthday soon and I have sent a personalised card with some old pictures of the two of us, maybe that will make her think, but probably only briefly.

So do I sit this out till later today then message her to ask whats happened, or do I message and give her the chance now to make yet another excuse?
Please let me know your thoughts on this and any advice please.

I think you're over-thinking this!

Let it go. Get on with your life. If she calls, she calls - if she doesn't then so be it. Friendships are not static. They're often fluid and go in cycles.

Honestly, the level of navel-gazing going on in your posts screams that this means more to you than is healthy.

Sorry, but I think you're expecting a great deal from your friend. I would never dream of sending a friend's DH a birthday card, and I'd probably only remember their kids if mine were going to the party. Equally, a mothers' day card is a nice touch the year after your bereavement, but to expect her to do it year in year out???? Your grief is your own, it doesn't linger for other people in the same way - it doesn't seem to matter any longer now time has passed - yes, and that's normal.

Basically, stop feeling so sorry for yourself! If you're as mopey and drippy as you come across in this post, harking back to Happy Past Tymes then I can see why she's drawing away. Why not see if she wants to go to the pictures or something with you? A fun, current activity that means you can hang out together without any pressure, rather than a recriminatory lunch.

I can see it from both sides, as there have been times I have felt as you do, and times where I have been the flakey, distant, other-things-going-on friend.

My overall conclusion is that friends are nice to have, but seldom few people can really be relied upon. You hold this friendship as meaning a lot to you, wjereas it is clear she does not share your intensity of feeling about it.
It doesn't read like she has any animosity towards you, or that she is actively avoiding you - just that she has other things taking up her time as well and the time runs away with her.

Perhaps it's a good opportunity for you to become more self sufficient yourself, and likewise fill up your own schedule. Then when you and your friend DO get together, you will have plenty to talk about, and you will certainly feel less dejected.

"Love a lot. Trust a few. But always paddle your own canoe!"

I agree with bolshie.
I think your expectations are very high . That would be a lot of pressure on a spouse even, never mind a friend.

The old saying is true, the only folk you can trust is family. I think you are over analysing and expecting too much from her, you know what she is like, of course if she cancels on you then that's out of order but if I was you, I'd forget about her, she's clearly unreliable and has made it clear she has a new circle of friends, you need to do the same, see her as a friend you see now and again, nothing else, I have friends I don't see for months but we just pick up from where we left off - I think you are looking for a best pal, you aint gonna get it from her anymore, look for someone else and keep her as an acquaintance.

I do not acknowledge the birthdays of my friend's husbands or partners by the way, or their kids...and vice vera - I don't look for it. Doesn't occur to me unless they are having a do and we are going.
Same with the Mother's Day thought. It was a kind thing to do, but I doubt she ever thought she would be beholden to it.

New circles of friends are another natural progression...it's called having a social life, and she is perfectly reasonable in enjoying hers. My good friends all have other friends that they spend time with, and sometimes it can be months between contact. In the meanwhile I'm doing the very same. Atm I hang out with my local mum pals crew far more than my oldies, because that's where my life is at just now.
I don't think of my longer standing friends are feeling neglected.

I know that you can only put so much down on here but basically I just wondered if its time to give up and get on with my own thing, as hard as that will be.
She is/was my best friend and yes I didn't expect her to forget our Birthdays because we never have, its something we have always done, so is it wrong of me to feel a little sad that it doesn't seem to matter anymore for some reason!

I never used to, or expected to get, a Mothers day card from her, but I always heard from her around that time, just to say she was thinking of me, and yes I agree time does fade things and people forget.
It is not just Today though, In the past 18 months she has let me down over and over again, making plans to go for lunch or a drink ( including the cinema), but then letting me down or not bothering. I have always let this go and remained a loyal friend, but its just that today I feel like I have had enough, and wondered if I needed to loosen the ties now.

I don't think I am a "drip", yes maybe a "moper" sometimes, but I don't live in the past all the time. I'm a caring person who finds it easy to forgive, and will help anyone out if I can, but I am easily hurt aswell.

I do think you need to loosen the ties and do your own thing...certainly.

You say you lost your mum a couple of years ago (and I relate, I lost mine 8 years ago and think of her often) and go on to say she 'always' gets in touch around that time. A couple of years means she has done it twice? It would be normal for that to tail off after that time period. That's what I mean when I say beholden. You were expecting it to continue, and take the fact that it hasn't, as a bad sign.

Btw - one of my friends is always suggesting lunch/breakfast/night out/night in etc...and rarely follows through.
I just smile and nod and never set the time aside if something else comes up.
She's the same to everyone.

I think I would feel uncomfortable if I were your friend, you do seem to be trying to get a message across to her in a way that is a little underhand - I have sent a personalised card with some old pictures of the two of us, maybe that will make her think, but probably only briefly - this stands out to me from your OP. Why not just talk to her, rather than try and force her to recall how your friendship was? If you feel that she knows little about your life right now, is it possible that you know little about hers? Her responsibilities and interests may have changed. Her relationship and her own DC may be taking up more of her time.

Friendships wax and wane, it's normal. It sounds like she has been a very good friend to you in times of need, but that instead of valuing that, you're focusing on the fact that you haven't remained such a high priority. My best friend from my younger years and I often go through long periods of not seeing each other at all, then pick up as if we'd never left off.