X-MIL keeps banging on about private schools to DD

[BeCool]

XP's Mother is always banging on about private schools. Several of her GC go to private schools. My DD1 -5yo- is clever and bright - she goes to a lovely state school - about to start Y1.

ExMIL used to say to me "you have to send DD to private school' over and over. I made it very clear to her, on each occasion she raised the subject, that I didn't earn though to send her (or/and DD2) private, her DS certainly doesn't earn enough to pay for it, so unless she was going to pay for it (there's no way she could) it's a mute point and wasn't going to happen.

FF a few years, Ex & I split. DD1 sees her GM when she is with X. Now DD is always coming home from her Dads going on about private school. We went to a party at a school hall on the weekend and DD asked 'is this a private school?' and was thrilled to discover it was.

I'm very cross as DD loves school but I think her GM is filling her head with 'private school is essential/much better' and DD is not going to private school. We love DD's school and even if I could afford it, I'm happy where she is.

Relationship with X is a bit fraught still. Friends commented yesterday that X & co are building this up so it can be used to paint me in a bad light later on - the failure of a mother who doesn't send her kids to private school. I'm not that cynical but am beginning to think my friends may have a point.

I no longer see xMIL - I'm going to have to raise this with XP aren't I?

Yea.

I don't think it's a moot point at all. It is clear. No-one can afford the fees, therefore she cannot go.

Unless of course EX and XMIL have come into some money and are offering to pay. Perhaps that is what you need to be asking him?

I'm 100% sure they haven't but Ill ask

How ridiculous of them to be going on about private schools when neither of them can afford it! As you say, even if you could manage it you are happy where you are.

I would raise it with your ex as it is not fair in DD. Or say "I hear from DD you have been talking about private schools. Is this something you are proposing to pay for? If not then please don't mention it to her again".

I have 2 DD's also but the youngest is 2 so she's not received the treatment - although DD1 is always telling me DD2 should be going to nursery now as she's 2 and gets a place. I know where that comes from too.

it is ridiculous.

Please don't bother with private schools if you're happy with the state school she's currently at. I don't particularly see it as the State's business to educate our kids; however, (and I'm speaking as someone who pays a decent amount of money to put his two kids through private school) it's rare that the private sector could offer significant added value over s good state school.

It was only the last few weeks of the last term that our daughter (Yr 2) realised that she went to a private school. We'd always gone to great lengths to keep it from her - and she'd never really questioned it.

In conclusion: Don't bother! (Unless you're unhappy with the State provision and have no other choices).

I really, really don't see social services swooping in and carrying off your DDs because you have failed to earn enough to send them both to a private school. Note to XP and XMIL: must try harder. I'm sure they can find something more damning to get you on.

Contrarian, how can it not be the business of a state to educate it's people?!

OP - what a bizarre situation! It makes no sense at all, if you can't afford it and neither can they. Are they thinking you should be putting in for scholarships? Anyway, it's not MIL's business! Definitely raise it with XP.

Cabrinha: Why should it be?

Sure, an educated society benefits everyone, but it's not necessarily the State's responsibility.

Contrarian - before the state got involved in education we didn't have an educated society. We had an educated elite.

How very annoying for you that she does this. If i were you I would have a talk with your dd about the grass being greener but that she wouldn't necessarily like a private school more.

Are they trying to suggest you should apply for a bursary or something?

I've no idea - they no longer talk to me about it. Just to 5yo DD.
I think they are very selfish stupid people and this is a fantastic example of their selfishness and stupidity.

Its purely because XMIL wants to tell people her GC are "all in private school". The woman lives on a council estate (nothing wrong with that but she doesn't have a penny to pay for these private schools - we are in London so would be supremely expensive) and is a first class snob. She thinks she deserves sooo much better and her GC going to private school somehow 'elevates' her.

She is now drawing my DD's into her twisted world. She doesn't think about what the impact on my DD might be - it's not important to her.

Grrrrr!

Well, if Gove gets his way then before long her 'state' school might become a privately-sponsored academy anyway!

I wouldn't worry about it. You (nor they) have the means to send her. She won't be going.

The only thing that would bother me slightly I guess is that your daugter will somehow think that a private education (and more worryingly people who have had one) are in some way superior.

the reason I worry about it, is they are building DD up with some weird expectation re public schools, which might lead to quite unnecessary disappointment on her part in 5 or so years time. Or sooner than that she may feel her school education, isn't as good as her cousins as her cousin went private.

All this for no reason at all. She is very happy at her lovely lovely school. Why can't they respect that?

I spoke very frankly with X today about it, and he has assured me he will speak with his Mum.

Fingers crossed

That's pretty much what I said. The only advice I'd give (and I'm speaking from experience here as my Nieces go to a state school) beware inverted snobbery.

It's important that you're daughter isn't left feeling that one form of education or another is better or worse. Resist the temptation to talk down the idependent sector. It's just different.

Ah, I see. This sort of thing almost always comes down to insecurity and a need to prove oneself. The annoying thing for you is that her issues are being projected onto your dd.

I'm not even tempted to talk down the private sector. I'm sure it's fantastic. There's no actual need for a 5yo to even know about it though is there?

I have no huge feelings about private schools one way of the other. We are fortunate that our local school is fantastic. DD loves it b

Spot on lottie

Your MIL is a loon and you are right to challenge her. But it sounds as though you believe that private schools ARE better and if you had the money you would send the DDs to one. That isn't true!

A good state school gives a more rounded view of life and teaches self motivation. My 3DC have all been through state schools even though we could have paid fees but chose not to. Two have got into to Oxbridge and the other is at medical school. (happy boasting mother).

SunnyIntervals - I know. There's a lovely description of a home-style private school in Richard Llewlleyn's 'How Green Was My Valley'. (and Huw's transition to a board school after)
Times change though, and our economy has changed.
I think that the state has a responsibility to the people of which it is formed, and that the vast majority of those people (and our economy) benefit from education for all.
Institution led education catches more children and allows the possibility for developing minimum standards than that old style schooling ever could.

Ignore, ignore, ignore your xmil but DO talk her views down to your daughter. Say "I am very surprised at Granny. She is usually so sensible and lovely" (white lies are acceptable!) "but she obviously hasn't been to your school and doesn't know it is the best! Oh well, she loves you so we must forgive her and just be happy that you are at the most fantastic school EVER!" I would say this like a broken record.

Re inverted snobbery, it's definitely rife and quite shocking as children get older. My teens and their friends feel genuine pity for kids at private schools and their default view is that private school kids are "moist" and over-privileged. I'm quite surprised at the strength of negative feeling. I constantly have to remind my two that parents, not children, choose schools and that the school you attend reflects neither credit nor discredit on you as a person. (And that they are super-privileged as they have the great me as a mother!) And that they'd better pull their fingers out and do some work and get some GCSEs or their private school contemporaries will have the last laugh and serve them right.