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Original poster

How do you improve respect?

25 replies

Flossbert · 20/08/2013 08:12

After giving me the silent treatment for 36 hours, DH has told me that, amongst other things, he doesn't feel respected. Thinking about it, I do speak to him roughly at times, but I feel the reason for that is that I/ my views are not respected by him. Bit of a vicious circle.

I'm desperate to make things better. Does anyone have any tips, for both of us? I'm having to pop out now but will be back later.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/08/2013 08:26

You may be desperate to make things better but you cannot achieve that on your own. He has to want to do this as well but I do not think that he wants to. He has you where he wants you; in the hole that he has partially dug for you.

Was going to ask you what his parents relationship is like, this all came from somewhere with regards to him.

He really has you on the backfoot hasn't he?. I would be describing all his behaviours towards you as emotionally abusive ones. After 36 hours of not talking to you he has the barefaced cheek to tell you that he does not feel respected!. What about you in all this, well you to he do not matter at all. This man just wants you to be his slave and emotional punchbag, he does not want an equal partner or wife at all.

I would think very carefully about whether this actually has any future in it at all and if you have children what they will learn from the two of you about relationships if you were to remain within such a situation.

Original poster
Flossbert · 20/08/2013 20:03

Sorry for not coming back sooner, Atilla - this is the first chance I've had.

His parental role models are atrocious, and he is one of many siblings, half-siblings and step-siblings so it's not difficult to figure that maybe at some point he decided there was no point in communicating in 'stressful situations' if you just get drowned out by all the other noise.

The other things he said were that he feels sad, tired, burdened, unloved and other things. Now a number of these I'm sure I can address - some of them are just kind of situational and will pass I think. But the 'not respected' one is the difficult one.

I wonder if he's depressed. He does this every so often. It's always a massive over reaction to something quite trivial.

We still haven't actually spoken. The list of how he is feeling was sent by text this morning, and I haven't heard from him since. He's normally home at 1730.

OP posts:
MadBusLady · 20/08/2013 20:24

He sent you a list of HIS feelings after massively over-reacting to something trivial and not speaking to you for 36 hours? And now you're fretting about how to address the faults he has identified?

It does sound rather as if he's saying jump and you're asking how high. Unless there's other evidence of depression it sounds more like gittishness, TBH.

In what ways is he disrespectful to you?

Dearjackie · 20/08/2013 20:30

Sounds very similar to my ex and he wasn't depressed he was emotionally abusive. The massive over reactions, the silences, the turning everything round and blaming it all on me YUK!

He also did the phone thing and verbally attacked me for not trusting him! I wonder why I didn't?

Dearjackie · 20/08/2013 20:32

Oops sorry just realised I posted on the wrong thread [embarrassed]

Original poster
Flossbert · 20/08/2013 20:52

I find it disrespectful that he does nothing to contribute to the running of the household. I'm on mat leave at the moment, so kind of accept it, but know full well nothing will change when I'm back at work. Cf also the standard "nagging" argument.

He doesn't engage with me. He'll, most of the time he doesn't even listen to me and I have to repeat every fucking thing. Sometimes, when I say something to him, he'll repeat the last couple of words to me, but add a couple of nonsense syllables, whilst not taking his eyes of his fucking iPhone.

Sometimes he'll do something like lift my skirt up. He used to grope me, but has at least stopped with that. I know it's meant to be playful, but on top of everything else, I am rarely in a playful mood.

And then there's this. Stonewalling me whenever he feels like it. We have 2 small DC and I am very aware of setting a bad example to them of how two people, supposedly in love, communicate and interact.

He's home, and has gone straight to bed.

OP posts:
CailinDana · 20/08/2013 21:39

Sounds like his version of "respect" is you shutting up and putting up with his shitty treatment.

SolidGoldBrass · 20/08/2013 21:53

FFS get rid of him. This is a man who doesn't respect WOMEN - he thinks of you as something between a domestic appliance and a pet in need of training. And it will not get any better.

pictish · 20/08/2013 21:57

What cailin said.

His idea of you 'respecting' him, is letting him walk all over you without a murmer of complaint is it not?

MadBusLady · 20/08/2013 21:58

Oh, I had one of those who did the repeating words thing. Other times he would do a thing of not listening when I asked him a question (and I mean questions like "Do you want a cup of tea?") so that I had to repeat and repeat it, and then on about the fourth time my tone would be getting irate and suddenly he'd be all WOUNDED. Sound familiar? They don't get better. I dumped.

I presume you've tried to tell him you feel like he doesn't listen, doesn't engage with you, doesn't contribute to the household etc?

pictish · 20/08/2013 22:02

He sent you a list of HIS feelings after massively over-reacting to something trivial and not speaking to you for 36 hours? And now you're fretting about how to address the faults he has identified?

And this.

foolonthehill · 20/08/2013 22:15

Ah yes...respect...that would be the thing you EARN by your willingness to engage, take responsibility and work alongside your life partner.

when he does this (Hmm)then you can address his feelings...since he doesn't I think you need to look at the rest of your relationship. In particular the model of respect, love and care that he is presenting to your DC.

Original poster
Flossbert · 21/08/2013 06:36

So I know there's lots of work to do, and I'm not suggesting it's all down to me. I know he's being a twat, and I'm going to suggest counselling.

I wondered if anyone had successfully worked through a similar situation. It's not as straightforward as LTB, is it? There's too much invested in this.

OP posts:
CailinDana · 21/08/2013 07:43

The problem is that he has to be as willing as you are. Is that likely?

Original poster
Flossbert · 21/08/2013 08:14

I don't know Hmm I mentioned counselling this morning, but got no response. I'm going to look into it anyway. Still ignoring me. It's been two and a half days. I'm alternating between anger and indifference.

OP posts:
pictish · 21/08/2013 09:59

I understand, but unless he's willing to put the work in himself, it's never going to go anywhere other than where it is.

You can't make him change, no matter how committed, loving or supportive you are, or how many ideas for him you come up with. It's all down to him and what he is prepared to do. If he's not interested in addressing it directly and accepting responsibility for his own behaviour, then that's that.

The only thing YOU have in your power to change, is what you are prepared to tolerate.

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 21/08/2013 10:33

It is as simple as LTB, ultimately, when one party displays unacceptable behaviour and doesn't want to change.

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 21/08/2013 10:37

He's an abusive arse, by the way.

I am really aghast that he lifts your skirt up. WTF - you are not a human being to him. Add to that the fact that you do all the housework, he gives you the silent treatment, and the repeating your words thing to show you just how much contempt he has for you when you speak to him... abusive. arse.

pictish · 21/08/2013 10:40

Two and a half days of ignoring you is emotional abuse. It's torture and he knows it. Why do you think he does it? Because he's so greviously upset and so deep? Because you are so awful to live with? Please!
It's a common control tactic, and what's more - it works! After two and half days you'll do anything to remove the black cloud that has descended upon your household, including placating, appeasing and apologising. This will be you showing him 'respect'.

Tell us, what prompted the two and a half day sulk in the first place? What is it he is punishing you for?

AnyFucker · 21/08/2013 10:42

I would assume that a man that ignored me for 2 days wants out of the relationship.

I would expect his bags packed and out he goes.

pictish · 21/08/2013 10:52

How do you improve respect?
You expect it, and won't have anything less.

AnyFucker · 21/08/2013 10:54

I would "speak roughly" to a grown man that acted like a spoilt child. Something along the lines of "fuck right off" should cover it.

pictish · 21/08/2013 10:56

Yup.

MadBusLady · 21/08/2013 11:03

Counselling sounds like a good idea but I think you'll probably find it will be just you on your own.

AnyFucker · 21/08/2013 11:05

christ no, don't consider joint counselling with a man like this

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